Have any of you ever experienced that feeling of hopelessness, cowering deep, within your soul, ready to devour all hope and faith in the midst of a trial?
Well, let me see if I can explain this in comprehensible words. In my own experience, it came as a freight train, running down the tracks and having no where else to go, but towards the deep, dark, pit, that is laying in wait for it to fall into, and no matter how many times you are warned about the danger, you keep on wanting to go on, no matter what, and before you know it, everything that you knew to be good and to be real, is taken in the blink of an eye, and all that is left, is this hollow, empty, feeling of uncertainty and fear of the unknown.
This past year and a half, my daughter and I were pushed into circumstances which put us in a very dangerous position, not only society wise, but morally and spiritually.
Whether you believe in God, ghosts, dead coming back to life, good and evil, there will always be this inner battle of good and evil. After a huge mistake, on my part, and having gone to a house, in which, I allowed myself to be used, in order to have a shelter over our heads, we were forced into becoming, what I'd call the modern version of homelessness.
Did I want to be homeless and be without a job? Absolutely not! Yet it happened, once I lost my job, and landed another job, which I ended losing do to health issues, I had to admit that I was losing hold of all I had come to believe not just in myself as a human being but in God as well. Since July of last year, we have moved at least 10 times. From one home to a townhouse, and eventually a shelter in which we stayed at for 3 months, we have seen, and heard things, and been told things, that made us aware that in spite of how our situation looked like, there are people, out there, that have it far worse than we did.
Having to admit that I was homeless, was not easy at all; at times, I wanted to hide my face, and shame kept on coming from every direction.
I felt like a total loser, and failure as a mother to my only child, and try as I did to hold down a job, the stress, and burden that I had became so overwhelming, that in the end, it almost cost me, my own life. I have been to the hospital at least 5 to 8 times, this year. From diverticulitis, to pneumonia and now I even got the measles.
Believe me, there have been many instances, where I almost gave up and wanted to just rest and go home to my parents house and let them get their way towards the end, but deep within my heart, I found this inner strength, that kept on pushing me, to not look back but forward, and to press on, no matter how I felt or what I saw, because, not all was meant to be bad, but it was a way to prepare me for what is to come in the near future of my life. What that is, I cannot say, but I do know that each time, I felt like throwing in the towel, somewhere within my soul a part of me kept on saying," Don't Give Up!"; I know that it was God all along, reminding me of His promises for those that believe in Him.
I withstood the stares, gossip, rumors and judgement that was passed on me by certain people at church and elsewhere. During the time we were in this shelter, my eyes were opened, to how much families are suffering to make ends meet and such, and in spite of being U.S. Citizens, and such, if they were making a certain amount of money the government would deny any help to them.
As I have stated before, I am no saint and have had thoughts of suicide, and of giving up from time to time, and at certain times, I kept on feeling as if I was losing my own mind, trying to survive on a day by day basis and making sure we did not end up on the streets. I kept on pushing hard to find a place to call our own, but that never worked out and I pretty much could not depend on my adoptive family, so in the end, I had to place my full trust in God, whom some believe does not exist, and such, yet, I know His hand was on us, and made sure we never ended up living on the streets as others have had to do.
I have seen families ripped apart, mothers struggling with her children, and so much pain, that we could have ended up like them, but I chose to put my trust in God alone.
So, the main reason I have not been able to blog at all, has been due to the fact that we have been moving around and in the last few places, I did not have access to internet as well.
I will continue to tell all about what we have gone through some other time, but for now, I do want to say that we have found our resting place and are safe and sound.
Best of luck to all whom are facing other struggles..
Peace.
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