Have any of you ever experienced that feeling of hopelessness, cowering deep, within your soul, ready to devour all hope and faith in the midst of a trial?
Well, let me see if I can explain this in comprehensible words. In my own experience, it came as a freight train, running down the tracks and having no where else to go, but towards the deep, dark, pit, that is laying in wait for it to fall into, and no matter how many times you are warned about the danger, you keep on wanting to go on, no matter what, and before you know it, everything that you knew to be good and to be real, is taken in the blink of an eye, and all that is left, is this hollow, empty, feeling of uncertainty and fear of the unknown.
This past year and a half, my daughter and I were pushed into circumstances which put us in a very dangerous position, not only society wise, but morally and spiritually.
Whether you believe in God, ghosts, dead coming back to life, good and evil, there will always be this inner battle of good and evil. After a huge mistake, on my part, and having gone to a house, in which, I allowed myself to be used, in order to have a shelter over our heads, we were forced into becoming, what I'd call the modern version of homelessness.
Did I want to be homeless and be without a job? Absolutely not! Yet it happened, once I lost my job, and landed another job, which I ended losing do to health issues, I had to admit that I was losing hold of all I had come to believe not just in myself as a human being but in God as well. Since July of last year, we have moved at least 10 times. From one home to a townhouse, and eventually a shelter in which we stayed at for 3 months, we have seen, and heard things, and been told things, that made us aware that in spite of how our situation looked like, there are people, out there, that have it far worse than we did.
Having to admit that I was homeless, was not easy at all; at times, I wanted to hide my face, and shame kept on coming from every direction.
I felt like a total loser, and failure as a mother to my only child, and try as I did to hold down a job, the stress, and burden that I had became so overwhelming, that in the end, it almost cost me, my own life. I have been to the hospital at least 5 to 8 times, this year. From diverticulitis, to pneumonia and now I even got the measles.
Believe me, there have been many instances, where I almost gave up and wanted to just rest and go home to my parents house and let them get their way towards the end, but deep within my heart, I found this inner strength, that kept on pushing me, to not look back but forward, and to press on, no matter how I felt or what I saw, because, not all was meant to be bad, but it was a way to prepare me for what is to come in the near future of my life. What that is, I cannot say, but I do know that each time, I felt like throwing in the towel, somewhere within my soul a part of me kept on saying," Don't Give Up!"; I know that it was God all along, reminding me of His promises for those that believe in Him.
I withstood the stares, gossip, rumors and judgement that was passed on me by certain people at church and elsewhere. During the time we were in this shelter, my eyes were opened, to how much families are suffering to make ends meet and such, and in spite of being U.S. Citizens, and such, if they were making a certain amount of money the government would deny any help to them.
As I have stated before, I am no saint and have had thoughts of suicide, and of giving up from time to time, and at certain times, I kept on feeling as if I was losing my own mind, trying to survive on a day by day basis and making sure we did not end up on the streets. I kept on pushing hard to find a place to call our own, but that never worked out and I pretty much could not depend on my adoptive family, so in the end, I had to place my full trust in God, whom some believe does not exist, and such, yet, I know His hand was on us, and made sure we never ended up living on the streets as others have had to do.
I have seen families ripped apart, mothers struggling with her children, and so much pain, that we could have ended up like them, but I chose to put my trust in God alone.
So, the main reason I have not been able to blog at all, has been due to the fact that we have been moving around and in the last few places, I did not have access to internet as well.
I will continue to tell all about what we have gone through some other time, but for now, I do want to say that we have found our resting place and are safe and sound.
Best of luck to all whom are facing other struggles..
Peace.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Monday, August 6, 2012
Ramblings
Been a while, since I have posted on here. Life has brought about changes, in my life.
This past month, I was semi homeless, as I had no place to officially stay at for long, and in search of a new place to live. Which I ended finding before the 1st of August.
This past Friday, I was terminated from my job of 2 1/2 yrs, and so now, I am in search of a new job.
Now, I have two choices:
Sit down, and cry my eyes out and do nothing else.
Get up, stop feeling sorry myself and become active in looking for new positions and new agency's that I could work with.
Life will always throw big waves at us, and in the end, I am not going to victimize myself nor expect always someone else to come and rescue me, humanly speaking, yet all in all, God has never left me, under either circumstance and as someone told me, this just means a new look in life and new beginnings, so I am going to stick to this.
Ok, well peace to all.
Angel4 Eternity
This past month, I was semi homeless, as I had no place to officially stay at for long, and in search of a new place to live. Which I ended finding before the 1st of August.
This past Friday, I was terminated from my job of 2 1/2 yrs, and so now, I am in search of a new job.
Now, I have two choices:
Sit down, and cry my eyes out and do nothing else.
Get up, stop feeling sorry myself and become active in looking for new positions and new agency's that I could work with.
Life will always throw big waves at us, and in the end, I am not going to victimize myself nor expect always someone else to come and rescue me, humanly speaking, yet all in all, God has never left me, under either circumstance and as someone told me, this just means a new look in life and new beginnings, so I am going to stick to this.
Ok, well peace to all.
Angel4 Eternity
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
There is no room....
There is no room for you. Sorry, but we are full.
Where have I heard these words before? In the bible, of course, when Mary and Joseph were seeking room in an INN as she was about to give birth, and in the end, the only place they could find was a stinking, old barn.
This is the most common story known to most. Each christmas, this story is retold many times. As a kid I would enjoy seeing the drama unfold, in the skits put on by the youth group, and choir. Well, in the end, at times, that message does not really hit home to those that have never experienced that.
So, as of this week, my child and I have been able to encounter the same exact problem, as His parents did, in trying to find a shelter that will take us in, as my landlord, got upset over a carpet stain, and wanted my child and I to live in his basement which is not suited for any human being to live or sleep in. He pretty much was calling us trash and treating us so, even though there were two rooms upstairs for us to use. He then gave me the choice of either that or the door, I chose the door. In the end there were other factors, like the fact that he loved having his 50 something lady over and have rough sex, and enjoyed knowing that everyone could hear them. He did not care that my child overheard their noises and that was not something she needed to hear or even know that they were doing. The funny thing was that, the first question he asked me was if I had a boyfriend, and I was like," NO." He was like good, cause I do not want you bringing men over to have sex and I was like, what like, I am not going around sleeping with just about every guy plus my daughter is with me, and I would never do that, in front of her either; I mean imagine my telling her: " Honey, can you go outside and play while Tom and I have some privacy..." And no, I am in no way, going down that road, and am doing all I can to not fall for that same old trap again, by staying focused on God and my child.
In the end, We have been sleeping in a motel, the first night someone else paid for our room and last night and tonight I was able to pay for another room. MY daughter got scared last night, while we were on the road, and I was trying to figure out what to do, and she started crying cause of the thunder and the lightning. It broke my heart to hear her cry. But all in all, I am not sitting down idly, I have been to the police department, and I have called shelters myself, and up to now, most are already full. The police have done the same. as well. They even told me I could take my ex landlord to court and make him give me my money back! And that I should not pay any utility bills or rent to him anymore.
I have already replied to 5 postings on Craigslist and am waiting to hear back from someone. Am actively searching and am still employed, thank God! Am tired. too. And Scared, but who wouldn't. As any mother, worries, I am worried, yet I am also in survival mode and more importantly, I am doing what I can to provide my child with all she needs more importantly, Love.
Also, I am learning to lean more on God, for His guidance, and am learning that pride takes you no where. I am not wise enough, strong enough, but I will do what I can to find a new home for my child and myself.
Peace to all,
Angel4Eternity
Where have I heard these words before? In the bible, of course, when Mary and Joseph were seeking room in an INN as she was about to give birth, and in the end, the only place they could find was a stinking, old barn.
This is the most common story known to most. Each christmas, this story is retold many times. As a kid I would enjoy seeing the drama unfold, in the skits put on by the youth group, and choir. Well, in the end, at times, that message does not really hit home to those that have never experienced that.
So, as of this week, my child and I have been able to encounter the same exact problem, as His parents did, in trying to find a shelter that will take us in, as my landlord, got upset over a carpet stain, and wanted my child and I to live in his basement which is not suited for any human being to live or sleep in. He pretty much was calling us trash and treating us so, even though there were two rooms upstairs for us to use. He then gave me the choice of either that or the door, I chose the door. In the end there were other factors, like the fact that he loved having his 50 something lady over and have rough sex, and enjoyed knowing that everyone could hear them. He did not care that my child overheard their noises and that was not something she needed to hear or even know that they were doing. The funny thing was that, the first question he asked me was if I had a boyfriend, and I was like," NO." He was like good, cause I do not want you bringing men over to have sex and I was like, what like, I am not going around sleeping with just about every guy plus my daughter is with me, and I would never do that, in front of her either; I mean imagine my telling her: " Honey, can you go outside and play while Tom and I have some privacy..." And no, I am in no way, going down that road, and am doing all I can to not fall for that same old trap again, by staying focused on God and my child.
In the end, We have been sleeping in a motel, the first night someone else paid for our room and last night and tonight I was able to pay for another room. MY daughter got scared last night, while we were on the road, and I was trying to figure out what to do, and she started crying cause of the thunder and the lightning. It broke my heart to hear her cry. But all in all, I am not sitting down idly, I have been to the police department, and I have called shelters myself, and up to now, most are already full. The police have done the same. as well. They even told me I could take my ex landlord to court and make him give me my money back! And that I should not pay any utility bills or rent to him anymore.
I have already replied to 5 postings on Craigslist and am waiting to hear back from someone. Am actively searching and am still employed, thank God! Am tired. too. And Scared, but who wouldn't. As any mother, worries, I am worried, yet I am also in survival mode and more importantly, I am doing what I can to provide my child with all she needs more importantly, Love.
Also, I am learning to lean more on God, for His guidance, and am learning that pride takes you no where. I am not wise enough, strong enough, but I will do what I can to find a new home for my child and myself.
Peace to all,
Angel4Eternity
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Fear
Fear has paralyzed me;
it makes my heart turn cold.
Fear stops me;
from moving onward and seems to push me back!
Fear grabs me from behind and does not let go
so easily.
Fear puts doubt in my heart and mind;
making me make poor choices.
Fear makes me tumble and fall;
yet I keep on getting back on my feet.
Even though, it might seem, that
it keeps on paralyzing me and crushing me;
I am not going to give up; Even if my faith falters
a bit, its not that I doubt God, its more that I keep
on relying on my own strengths which is not much.
I have come to the conclusion that fear is part of living and
taking risks, so I have decided to do just that.
Except not on my own, but relying on God, to give me
what I need to get up from the floor and back on my feet,
as I continue to face trials ad tribulations as I continue to seek Him.
Fear is real, and is part of everyone's life, but we cannot let fear paralyze us, or we will miss out on living.
it makes my heart turn cold.
Fear stops me;
from moving onward and seems to push me back!
Fear grabs me from behind and does not let go
so easily.
Fear puts doubt in my heart and mind;
making me make poor choices.
Fear makes me tumble and fall;
yet I keep on getting back on my feet.
Even though, it might seem, that
it keeps on paralyzing me and crushing me;
I am not going to give up; Even if my faith falters
a bit, its not that I doubt God, its more that I keep
on relying on my own strengths which is not much.
I have come to the conclusion that fear is part of living and
taking risks, so I have decided to do just that.
Except not on my own, but relying on God, to give me
what I need to get up from the floor and back on my feet,
as I continue to face trials ad tribulations as I continue to seek Him.
Fear is real, and is part of everyone's life, but we cannot let fear paralyze us, or we will miss out on living.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Totally Losing my Mind!
Who said, I cannot get angry, mad or upset? Who can tell me in my face, that I am not allowed to feel or have any type of negative emotion? WEll, guess, what ?
I am just as every other human being in this world, and its no different that my life, be full of highs and lows, and at this time I am in between. It seems, that I have to start accepting several things, that up to now, I have not been able to do, and or deny. Yet, in the end, its either that or I end up groping around blindly, looking for other ways to not face the truth, but I cannot escape the truth!
This past Monday, a friend had invited another friend of mine to a church event, somewhat close by to my new home. Now, what was not told, or foreseen, was that this event was more directed towards latin people. Now, yes, I am latin myself, wether I like it or not is besides the point! I was conceived and born in El Salvador, yet I came to the states legally. And in the end, I cannot say, I know how hard it is to become a US citizen, since I grew up here and all that, yet, in the end, what I hate about my roots, is the fact that any person sees me on the street, a shopping center, or grocery store, and will assume, that I am just like the rest of Illegals invading and coming to this country, for a better life? And the funny thing, is when I have people come up to me, and start talking in some broken spanish english mixture. I just laugh, in their faces, cause, its ridiculous that I am judged by the color of my skin and or general appearance. Then, once I start talking, they do a double take, or even jump in surprise and look at me, as if I were some alien, type person, haha!
Yes, I know english, I can read, write, and speak and have full understanding of it! Then, to see them turn pink, red, purple and blue, just makes my day....But I get frustrated, and I am more americanized than who knows what. Anyway, this event was directed towards those whom have come seeking a better life, and all that, and in the end, I will never forget one thing my mom always told us," Never go to any latin event, at any church, cause you will not be able to get any food!"
Well, we were informed that food was going to be served from 12 noon-3pm...After getting lost ect..we made it there before 2pm...Got that before 2pm!!!!
So, once my daugas hter and I saw them, we were like,:" oh no!", and as we were waiting for my friend this red car pulled up and three latin guys were ogling at the both of us, as if they have never seen a woman and her child before!!! I got so pissed, I almost ran and kicked their car! So they pull up, and this guy gets out and hands me a card, and was talking but I ignored him and made damn sure he did not look or touch my kid! I gave him the stare and he ran to the car, and as they pulled away I got the stupid card, and ripped it in front of their faces!!!
Yeah, I was mad as hell! I wanted to make them scream in pain and bleed ....I know, that is not what someone like myself should say or think, but hey, I am allowed to do so, yet, in the end, I did not go through with my thoughts. Even then, I prayed and asked God to forgive my actions, and my thoughts and words, and I cooled down later on....In the end, as we got to the tables, we could see people eating and no food! All they had was a plate of sushi!!!!
I have never been to any church event in which they run out food! I was like really!!!
I was more mad at the people there than anything else. but not my friend, mind you she was innocent of all this, I love her to death, and I am not mad at her at all, she had no idea, what we were walking into, so I am not holding her to blame in all this.
I am mad at myself for not asking more questions. and am just mad at those three jerks that almost made me do something stupid!!!!!
Btw, God has gotten mad before and even now, so, just saying.
Ok, well peace out!
I am just as every other human being in this world, and its no different that my life, be full of highs and lows, and at this time I am in between. It seems, that I have to start accepting several things, that up to now, I have not been able to do, and or deny. Yet, in the end, its either that or I end up groping around blindly, looking for other ways to not face the truth, but I cannot escape the truth!
This past Monday, a friend had invited another friend of mine to a church event, somewhat close by to my new home. Now, what was not told, or foreseen, was that this event was more directed towards latin people. Now, yes, I am latin myself, wether I like it or not is besides the point! I was conceived and born in El Salvador, yet I came to the states legally. And in the end, I cannot say, I know how hard it is to become a US citizen, since I grew up here and all that, yet, in the end, what I hate about my roots, is the fact that any person sees me on the street, a shopping center, or grocery store, and will assume, that I am just like the rest of Illegals invading and coming to this country, for a better life? And the funny thing, is when I have people come up to me, and start talking in some broken spanish english mixture. I just laugh, in their faces, cause, its ridiculous that I am judged by the color of my skin and or general appearance. Then, once I start talking, they do a double take, or even jump in surprise and look at me, as if I were some alien, type person, haha!
Yes, I know english, I can read, write, and speak and have full understanding of it! Then, to see them turn pink, red, purple and blue, just makes my day....But I get frustrated, and I am more americanized than who knows what. Anyway, this event was directed towards those whom have come seeking a better life, and all that, and in the end, I will never forget one thing my mom always told us," Never go to any latin event, at any church, cause you will not be able to get any food!"
Well, we were informed that food was going to be served from 12 noon-3pm...After getting lost ect..we made it there before 2pm...Got that before 2pm!!!!
So, once my daugas hter and I saw them, we were like,:" oh no!", and as we were waiting for my friend this red car pulled up and three latin guys were ogling at the both of us, as if they have never seen a woman and her child before!!! I got so pissed, I almost ran and kicked their car! So they pull up, and this guy gets out and hands me a card, and was talking but I ignored him and made damn sure he did not look or touch my kid! I gave him the stare and he ran to the car, and as they pulled away I got the stupid card, and ripped it in front of their faces!!!
Yeah, I was mad as hell! I wanted to make them scream in pain and bleed ....I know, that is not what someone like myself should say or think, but hey, I am allowed to do so, yet, in the end, I did not go through with my thoughts. Even then, I prayed and asked God to forgive my actions, and my thoughts and words, and I cooled down later on....In the end, as we got to the tables, we could see people eating and no food! All they had was a plate of sushi!!!!
I have never been to any church event in which they run out food! I was like really!!!
I was more mad at the people there than anything else. but not my friend, mind you she was innocent of all this, I love her to death, and I am not mad at her at all, she had no idea, what we were walking into, so I am not holding her to blame in all this.
I am mad at myself for not asking more questions. and am just mad at those three jerks that almost made me do something stupid!!!!!
Btw, God has gotten mad before and even now, so, just saying.
Ok, well peace out!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Screw up!
Have you ever done something, that afterwards, gets you thinking,
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
Monday, May 14, 2012
Learning about Forgiveness
Good day to all:
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
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