At times, we get so wound up with stress and worrying,
that by the end of each day, instead of looking at what we have,
we tend to view what we lack.
that does not make it any better, nor does it help reduce your stress.
What's more, it simply makes your day end on a bad note, and you
get grumpy with your loved ones, and at times tend to shun people out.
At least I am guilty of doing this often, and once I realize why I am
so down, I start remembering to thank God for the things I do have and not
so much in regards to materials things, more to do with those around you.
The ones that constantly love you and care for you in one way or another and give you a reason to smile or laugh.
Laughter does everyone some good. At times I laugh for no reason, but it feels good and makes me forget about the troubles surrounding my life, and remind me to not take life so lightly.
The best is when you step outside your home, and look at the sky and stare at the clouds, as they pass by, and or stars if by night, and take in nature as it is, in its own pace.
You see the birds working hard to get food for their babies, and insects crawling here and there. EAch flower that comes out of the ground, and the leaves of the tree; if for one minute, you stand still and take it all in, believe me, it helps you feel much better and realize that there is Someone out there taking care of the birds, squirrels, ect,,,and more so taking care of us.
We might not see Him or Feel Him or HEar Him, but He is there.
Take a minute of your day, and go outside, and just take in whatever surroundings might be close to your home.
Peace,
Angel 4 Eternity
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Solution to problem
Well, after much searching and losing my mind about having to leave this place I have called home for at least two months now and worrying about not finding a place, great news!
I met a guy, who has offered to let me and my daughter stay in the master bedroom in his big and I mean huge house!
And we reached an agreement in order for me to pay him half the price for what he is currently asking for at this time.
We will be moving on the 12th of May to his home....and moving from one county to the next...
All in all I am happy that I have found a place, but am sad of having to leave R's place....
I surely am crazy aren't I ?
Angel 4 Eternity
I met a guy, who has offered to let me and my daughter stay in the master bedroom in his big and I mean huge house!
And we reached an agreement in order for me to pay him half the price for what he is currently asking for at this time.
We will be moving on the 12th of May to his home....and moving from one county to the next...
All in all I am happy that I have found a place, but am sad of having to leave R's place....
I surely am crazy aren't I ?
Angel 4 Eternity
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I have a new blog
That has more to do with my being a mother and my lovely daughter,
if anyone is interested in reading about our interactions and mother-daughter bonding ;)
Angel 4 Eternity
if anyone is interested in reading about our interactions and mother-daughter bonding ;)
Angel 4 Eternity
Learning to forgive.
At times, I wonder, what if I had a second chance to go back and change
certain events, decisions, and or choices, I've made along my road, that had
a negative effect on my life overall. If I did, what would I change?
Is there really a way, in which we can truly exert total control over our mind, soul,
spirit, and body, without losing our minds?
Each hateful thing that has left my mouth, hurtful thing, offensive thing, disgusting thing,
to take it all back, would truly require my life to be exposed to all.
What if our lives were posted on facebook, and everyone could see, all our bad moments verses
the good ones?
Like the time you took a dollar each day from your mom's purse, or the time you sprayed some perfume on
yourself after being told, not to? Yes, these might seem insignificant to some degree, but what about the secrets,
you rarely disclose to anyone, but those you trust, to not divulge any damaging information about yourself?
Isn't it funny, how in the political world, of reigning Kings, Presidents, Ministers, and all whom are regarded as high authority, play each other out by digging your worst hidden secrets, to blackmail you into playing a part in their plan of dominating certain things, that might cause humanity to become more lost. How do we keep our lives, private, if the
FBI, CIA and all these other government agencies, have means of looking up anything they want, by just entering your Social Security Number, or name?
Imagine, your life being an open book, to all you know, how would you stand before your family, and explain, why, you lied about this occasion and that?
Do you think, you could be forgiven for each wrong doing, you have done or even just thought of against any person?
This past weekend, I was let down by those I had deemed close friends, and as a second family to my daughter and I...
yet, when no one showed up for her party, I felt downright mad, and angry, I wanted to scream at them, to bang my fists against something, and in the end, broke down in tears and wondered, where did I go wrong?
It hurt so much, I almost gave in to just leaving the church all together, but in the end, I knew that I sort of jumped into planning this party too fast, and in the end, some people were apologetic, and I cannot harbor anger within my heart, and have decided to forgive every single person, family whom did not show up.
Yet, if my life is an open book, which literally our lives are not hidden from God, and even for those who deny God yet believe in Aliens, ghosts and such, well whatever you believe, you should believe that Someone or Something can see every little thing you do, in hiding and in secret, and even our governments seem to have an eye on us....in the end, if i were to be put on trial, I would not hesitate to list all my wrongdoings and sins, because man judges by what he sees, God judges by what man cannot see, and its what we have within our hearts.
Angel 4 Eternity
certain events, decisions, and or choices, I've made along my road, that had
a negative effect on my life overall. If I did, what would I change?
Is there really a way, in which we can truly exert total control over our mind, soul,
spirit, and body, without losing our minds?
Each hateful thing that has left my mouth, hurtful thing, offensive thing, disgusting thing,
to take it all back, would truly require my life to be exposed to all.
What if our lives were posted on facebook, and everyone could see, all our bad moments verses
the good ones?
Like the time you took a dollar each day from your mom's purse, or the time you sprayed some perfume on
yourself after being told, not to? Yes, these might seem insignificant to some degree, but what about the secrets,
you rarely disclose to anyone, but those you trust, to not divulge any damaging information about yourself?
Isn't it funny, how in the political world, of reigning Kings, Presidents, Ministers, and all whom are regarded as high authority, play each other out by digging your worst hidden secrets, to blackmail you into playing a part in their plan of dominating certain things, that might cause humanity to become more lost. How do we keep our lives, private, if the
FBI, CIA and all these other government agencies, have means of looking up anything they want, by just entering your Social Security Number, or name?
Imagine, your life being an open book, to all you know, how would you stand before your family, and explain, why, you lied about this occasion and that?
Do you think, you could be forgiven for each wrong doing, you have done or even just thought of against any person?
This past weekend, I was let down by those I had deemed close friends, and as a second family to my daughter and I...
yet, when no one showed up for her party, I felt downright mad, and angry, I wanted to scream at them, to bang my fists against something, and in the end, broke down in tears and wondered, where did I go wrong?
It hurt so much, I almost gave in to just leaving the church all together, but in the end, I knew that I sort of jumped into planning this party too fast, and in the end, some people were apologetic, and I cannot harbor anger within my heart, and have decided to forgive every single person, family whom did not show up.
Yet, if my life is an open book, which literally our lives are not hidden from God, and even for those who deny God yet believe in Aliens, ghosts and such, well whatever you believe, you should believe that Someone or Something can see every little thing you do, in hiding and in secret, and even our governments seem to have an eye on us....in the end, if i were to be put on trial, I would not hesitate to list all my wrongdoings and sins, because man judges by what he sees, God judges by what man cannot see, and its what we have within our hearts.
Angel 4 Eternity
Monday, April 23, 2012
When things do not go your way...
Here we were sitting inside the gym, waiting for our guests to arrive;
mainly silence overcame from time to time, which would be interrupted by the occasional voice
of a very frustrated 10 almost 11 yr old girl. " At what time is everyone supposed to come, Mom?";"Where are they?"
To which I would say, " I am not sure, and they were supposed to be by 4:30pm....or 5pmish..." I refused to look into her eyes, in order to not see the pain, that was so visible; what to do, when after inviting those you thought would come out, did not because they had other things to do, or had totally forgotten about the invitation, or simply did not care about it. I did my best to hold myself together. We had plenty of food to feed anyone that came through that door, after an hour and a half later and many requests to just pack everything and go home, my baby girl finally came and told me," At least I have you here, Mom. So lets eat."
We got a piece of cake and drink and sat down. I looked at her, and then like a fountain it all came out. I just broke down and cried and said," I'm sorry baby. I am so sorry." To which my now 11 yr old baby girl, got up and wrapped her arms around me, and held me and said," Its ok Mom, you tried."
Just as she was comforting me, alas, what did I see coming through that door, two people?
Why, yes indeed, my best friend and another friend, both walked in and saw that terrible scene and rushed over to comfort the both of us, and persuaded us to stay a bit longer, so we did.
Today, everyone kept on asking," How was the party?" : I just wanted to yell," Why do you care??? Why do you even care!!!!!"
I punched a friend of mine i his tummy, to vent. I tried figuring out what did I do wrong?
Yet, my daughter at least appreciated my efforts and was just glad that she and i were together for her birthday.
and now to continue looking for a new home.
Angel 4 Eternity
mainly silence overcame from time to time, which would be interrupted by the occasional voice
of a very frustrated 10 almost 11 yr old girl. " At what time is everyone supposed to come, Mom?";"Where are they?"
To which I would say, " I am not sure, and they were supposed to be by 4:30pm....or 5pmish..." I refused to look into her eyes, in order to not see the pain, that was so visible; what to do, when after inviting those you thought would come out, did not because they had other things to do, or had totally forgotten about the invitation, or simply did not care about it. I did my best to hold myself together. We had plenty of food to feed anyone that came through that door, after an hour and a half later and many requests to just pack everything and go home, my baby girl finally came and told me," At least I have you here, Mom. So lets eat."
We got a piece of cake and drink and sat down. I looked at her, and then like a fountain it all came out. I just broke down and cried and said," I'm sorry baby. I am so sorry." To which my now 11 yr old baby girl, got up and wrapped her arms around me, and held me and said," Its ok Mom, you tried."
Just as she was comforting me, alas, what did I see coming through that door, two people?
Why, yes indeed, my best friend and another friend, both walked in and saw that terrible scene and rushed over to comfort the both of us, and persuaded us to stay a bit longer, so we did.
Today, everyone kept on asking," How was the party?" : I just wanted to yell," Why do you care??? Why do you even care!!!!!"
I punched a friend of mine i his tummy, to vent. I tried figuring out what did I do wrong?
Yet, my daughter at least appreciated my efforts and was just glad that she and i were together for her birthday.
and now to continue looking for a new home.
Angel 4 Eternity
Friday, April 20, 2012
Open Invitation
Open Invitation to anyone within the Fairfax County/ City Area in the state of VA that reads this:
Requirement for any whom want to attend:
Bring a dish of food to share with others: Any family dish that kids and adults can
both enjoy!
Nothing else besides a good heart, and willingness to have some fun and
enjoy meeting new people.
Spread this around to those whom would not mind coming to an 11 yr old party....
I wanted this year to be memorable for her and me as its the first time
we are together in 3 years to celebrate her birthday.
So, I humbly ask that anyone whom lives within this church, no matter what religion,
or beliefs you might have, if you have the time please come out, and I will be so grateful.
And yes, this is crazy, but if Jesus Loves us all no matter where we come from, then I am willing to
embrace anyone willing to come out to my daughters party.
God bless you.
Sincerely,
Angel 4 Eternity
As follows:
Has anyone heard that story in the Bible of a rich man inviting his friends to a big party he was throwing for free, with plenty of food and drink, yet none of his friends came?
In the end He sent His Servants to find anyone on the streets, alleys ect...those that were despised and rejected to come and eat in His feast.
Well, I had planned a surprise part for my only child at this time, and I invited key people whom she has come to know ect...in the end, most if not all have politely declined, and only a few or so people have committed to showing up.
My baby girl found out, and is very upset that she told me to go ahead and cancel her party.
I am heartbrokened to say the least but then I decided, even if this might sound or seem crazy what the hec, maybe something good will come out of this:
So, the party is to be at 4:30pm, at the following location:
Jubilee Christian Center in the Gym
4650 Shirley Gate Road Fairfax, VA 22030
(703) 383-1170
He Is- Providential; Accountability: A Hedge of Protection
God isn't mentioned in the book of Esther, but his fingerprints are everywhere. Who but God could give a king insomnia, ensure that the section of the chronicles recording Mordecai's intercession for the king was read and bring to light the evil that Haman had planned? God is providential, coordinating events ahead of time and intervening for his people.
You may not realize God's at work, but he's busy behind the scenes, working in your life. Look for him in the people you meet and the places you go. Your providential God will make things happen for your good and his glory (see Romans 8:28-30).
..............................................
Friend to Friend
A certain expert guide lived in the deserts of Arabia. He was known for his tracking skills and never lost his way. The secret of his success could be found in the fact that he carried with him a homing pigeon with a very fine cord attached to one of its legs. When he had doubts as to which path to take, he threw the bird into the air. The pigeon quickly strained at the cord to fly in the direction of home, leading the guide accurately to his goal. Because of this unique practice, he was known as "the dove man."
We always need connections to those who will point us in the right direction. We will take the wrong path or make a wrong turn and there will be times when we have no idea which way to go or how to get home. We must then turn to God and to those who hold us accountable.
Accountability is often seen as confining, a relationship straight jacket that limits freedom of expression and hinders those who "march to the beat of a different drummer." Actually, the opposite is true. Accountability frees us to grow and change and is an important part of every relationship.
When I married into the Southerland family, I didn't know that tent camping was part of the deal. I might have reconsidered (just kidding). I decided I could learn to camp and maybe even enjoy it! My first trip to Lake Greason in the foothills of the Ozarks was quite an experience. It did not take me long to learn the daily routine. Each morning, Dan's mom would prepare a huge breakfast. The kids then did dishes while mom changed into her swim suit, donned her sun glasses, grabbed a towel and headed for the lake. On the shore, she grabbed an inner tube, positioned her towel in just the right spot over the tube, turned around and sat down. She would then float blissfully for hours.
There was a slight problem with this plan. Lake Greason had a current that carried mom down the lake, around the bend and into the path of ski boats. Several times a day, someone would have to swim after her and pull her back to the safety of the shore, where she would profusely thank them and go right back to floating. Finally, one of the kids came up with a great idea. We grabbed a ski rope, tied one end to mom's inner tube and the other end to a wooden stake driven securely into the ground. She could then float until the rope ran out and someone "reeled her in." What a perfect picture of accountability – giving someone who loves you the permission to "reel you in" when they see you headed in a dangerous direction. When we willingly make ourselves accountable to others, we are creating a hedge of protection that ultimately yields boundaries, parameters or behavioral lines that should not be crossed.
Honestly, most of us have experienced very little accountability in life because at the heart of being accountable to someone is the willingness to be submissive to them. We have abused the concept of submission. It was never intended to be demeaning and does not involve slavery in any form. Submission is protection and an intentional willingness to consider first the desires and wishes of another before our own. God places others in our lives to see things that we cannot see, to encourage and build up, to correct, love and protect, but still, we tend to view accountability as a crutch and submission as a weakness. Submission is harnessed strength, a controlled strength that is born out of obedience to God's command. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His father. He willingly laid down His desires and dreams, His plans and hopes in total submission. Out of that total surrender came the most powerful life ever lived. When we willingly submit ourselves to God and choose to make ourselves accountable to others, we will experience a freedom and power we have never known before.
Let's Pray
Father, I come to You today, submitting myself to You. Thank You for the protection, direction and power that comes from that submission. Forgive me when I have stood silent while someone I loved made dangerous decisions. Give me the courage to confront in love. Give me the wisdom to receive correction and to be accountable to others. Thank You for Your love that never condemns but always stands ready to keep me from making mistakes. And when I do fall, thank You for being there to pick me up and walk with me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Now It's Your Turn
Read Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are wounds of a friend." What does this verse mean to you? How does this verse relate to accountability?
Name two people in your life to whom you are accountable.
Are they willing to tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear?
Are they godly people who will constantly point you to Christ?
Who is accountable to you?
Are you willing to step between that person and the wrong choices?
Can you confront in love for the sole purpose of restoration?
.......................................................
I wanted to share these two devotionals on here. Simply see it as a guide that may help you define your own life and your own beliefs and moral grounds.
As I have said before, I am no one to judge anyone from their past or present. I am just like everyone else, facing constant trials, fighting to survive and make meet ends, to provide for my child, and believe me at time I find myself lost, walking around in circles trying to do all on my own, and going nowhere. My faith is still there but somehow I end up forgetting how to talk to Him, and go my own way.
Each morning as I awake, I wonder, what will this day bring, at times I get so caught up in worry, that I miss seeing the beauty of God's work as the birds arise and sing, leaves rustle against the gentle breeze and the warmth of the sun, tickling your skin; Even seeing a squirrel dart across so daringly, and managing to escape death!
We miss so much going on around us, as we occupy our minds with things that do matter, but blind our eyes, to just stop for one minute and look at our surroundings.
Enjoy each minute and second that you can, acknowledge those around you, and be thankful for each day, you awake in bed, still breathing.
Angel 4 Eternity
You may not realize God's at work, but he's busy behind the scenes, working in your life. Look for him in the people you meet and the places you go. Your providential God will make things happen for your good and his glory (see Romans 8:28-30).
..............................................
April 19, 2012
Accountability: A Hedge of ProtectionMary Southerland
Today's TruthRomans 12:5b "…and each member belongs to all the others."Accountability: A Hedge of ProtectionMary Southerland
Friend to Friend
A certain expert guide lived in the deserts of Arabia. He was known for his tracking skills and never lost his way. The secret of his success could be found in the fact that he carried with him a homing pigeon with a very fine cord attached to one of its legs. When he had doubts as to which path to take, he threw the bird into the air. The pigeon quickly strained at the cord to fly in the direction of home, leading the guide accurately to his goal. Because of this unique practice, he was known as "the dove man."
We always need connections to those who will point us in the right direction. We will take the wrong path or make a wrong turn and there will be times when we have no idea which way to go or how to get home. We must then turn to God and to those who hold us accountable.
Accountability is often seen as confining, a relationship straight jacket that limits freedom of expression and hinders those who "march to the beat of a different drummer." Actually, the opposite is true. Accountability frees us to grow and change and is an important part of every relationship.
When I married into the Southerland family, I didn't know that tent camping was part of the deal. I might have reconsidered (just kidding). I decided I could learn to camp and maybe even enjoy it! My first trip to Lake Greason in the foothills of the Ozarks was quite an experience. It did not take me long to learn the daily routine. Each morning, Dan's mom would prepare a huge breakfast. The kids then did dishes while mom changed into her swim suit, donned her sun glasses, grabbed a towel and headed for the lake. On the shore, she grabbed an inner tube, positioned her towel in just the right spot over the tube, turned around and sat down. She would then float blissfully for hours.
There was a slight problem with this plan. Lake Greason had a current that carried mom down the lake, around the bend and into the path of ski boats. Several times a day, someone would have to swim after her and pull her back to the safety of the shore, where she would profusely thank them and go right back to floating. Finally, one of the kids came up with a great idea. We grabbed a ski rope, tied one end to mom's inner tube and the other end to a wooden stake driven securely into the ground. She could then float until the rope ran out and someone "reeled her in." What a perfect picture of accountability – giving someone who loves you the permission to "reel you in" when they see you headed in a dangerous direction. When we willingly make ourselves accountable to others, we are creating a hedge of protection that ultimately yields boundaries, parameters or behavioral lines that should not be crossed.
Honestly, most of us have experienced very little accountability in life because at the heart of being accountable to someone is the willingness to be submissive to them. We have abused the concept of submission. It was never intended to be demeaning and does not involve slavery in any form. Submission is protection and an intentional willingness to consider first the desires and wishes of another before our own. God places others in our lives to see things that we cannot see, to encourage and build up, to correct, love and protect, but still, we tend to view accountability as a crutch and submission as a weakness. Submission is harnessed strength, a controlled strength that is born out of obedience to God's command. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His father. He willingly laid down His desires and dreams, His plans and hopes in total submission. Out of that total surrender came the most powerful life ever lived. When we willingly submit ourselves to God and choose to make ourselves accountable to others, we will experience a freedom and power we have never known before.
Let's Pray
Father, I come to You today, submitting myself to You. Thank You for the protection, direction and power that comes from that submission. Forgive me when I have stood silent while someone I loved made dangerous decisions. Give me the courage to confront in love. Give me the wisdom to receive correction and to be accountable to others. Thank You for Your love that never condemns but always stands ready to keep me from making mistakes. And when I do fall, thank You for being there to pick me up and walk with me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Now It's Your Turn
Read Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are wounds of a friend." What does this verse mean to you? How does this verse relate to accountability?
Name two people in your life to whom you are accountable.
Are they willing to tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear?
Are they godly people who will constantly point you to Christ?
Who is accountable to you?
Are you willing to step between that person and the wrong choices?
Can you confront in love for the sole purpose of restoration?
.......................................................
I wanted to share these two devotionals on here. Simply see it as a guide that may help you define your own life and your own beliefs and moral grounds.
As I have said before, I am no one to judge anyone from their past or present. I am just like everyone else, facing constant trials, fighting to survive and make meet ends, to provide for my child, and believe me at time I find myself lost, walking around in circles trying to do all on my own, and going nowhere. My faith is still there but somehow I end up forgetting how to talk to Him, and go my own way.
Each morning as I awake, I wonder, what will this day bring, at times I get so caught up in worry, that I miss seeing the beauty of God's work as the birds arise and sing, leaves rustle against the gentle breeze and the warmth of the sun, tickling your skin; Even seeing a squirrel dart across so daringly, and managing to escape death!
We miss so much going on around us, as we occupy our minds with things that do matter, but blind our eyes, to just stop for one minute and look at our surroundings.
Enjoy each minute and second that you can, acknowledge those around you, and be thankful for each day, you awake in bed, still breathing.
Angel 4 Eternity
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Surprise Party!
My baby girl is turning 11 yrs old this coming monday!!!!
I cannot believe just how much time has gone by since that day, in which,
she came into this world, as a tiny, pink, reddish, skin colored baby, with no clue of what life would be like for her.
She hates it when I get all teary eyed retelling her how the first thing I saw of her was her cute, roundish, pink butt cheeks and a bruise right above!
She has threatened to do something if I share this with any of her boyfriends! Hah! Well, the doctor pretty much grabbed her around her midwaist and lifted her up, and all I could see were those, cute, pinkish butt cheeks, and I wanted to bend over and pinch each one! But also in the back of my mind I remember saying," how in the world did this big baby come out of my body, let alone live in it for 9 whole months!"
Then when she was streched out, I could not believe how long she was, and every little thing was perfect!
Not that her birth was exciting or anything special for anyone else, except God and myself.
From the first time I held her to breastfeeding her, that was scary in itself! Yet, all in all, her birth came at a time in which my life was just plain dull, and lacking any type of hope.
But one look into her deep, brown eyes, I knew that I could never live without her, less, leave her be, and this love was birthed in my heart, that overcame me, I never knew anyone could have so much love to give to such a little babe.
And to say," She is mine..." is just an honor I do not deserve.
Yes, I had her in me for 9 months, but God placed her there, and saw her as she grew and matured before coming out.
She saved my life. and now she is talking about boys, and sex and marriage!
I love her so much, yet I know that I cannot fully keep her from the evil abounding in this world. But I can prepare her for the horrors she will hear about or see in her own life time.
I want her to be an independent young woman, who is bold and courageous to stand up to her adversaries when they come, to not let any storm hold her back, nor let any man rob her of her innocence less break her hurt and self esteem.
That she may be able to comfort, and help those in need, and that she may show compassion and love without expecting anything in return.
I hope to accomplish this before my time comes. That she may grow and become a part of society, in which she is neither full of herself less, denies herself. but that she can contribute her qualities, and skills in helping those that are lost within this world.
Happy birthday baby girl!
Angel 4 Eternity
I cannot believe just how much time has gone by since that day, in which,
she came into this world, as a tiny, pink, reddish, skin colored baby, with no clue of what life would be like for her.
She hates it when I get all teary eyed retelling her how the first thing I saw of her was her cute, roundish, pink butt cheeks and a bruise right above!
She has threatened to do something if I share this with any of her boyfriends! Hah! Well, the doctor pretty much grabbed her around her midwaist and lifted her up, and all I could see were those, cute, pinkish butt cheeks, and I wanted to bend over and pinch each one! But also in the back of my mind I remember saying," how in the world did this big baby come out of my body, let alone live in it for 9 whole months!"
Then when she was streched out, I could not believe how long she was, and every little thing was perfect!
Not that her birth was exciting or anything special for anyone else, except God and myself.
From the first time I held her to breastfeeding her, that was scary in itself! Yet, all in all, her birth came at a time in which my life was just plain dull, and lacking any type of hope.
But one look into her deep, brown eyes, I knew that I could never live without her, less, leave her be, and this love was birthed in my heart, that overcame me, I never knew anyone could have so much love to give to such a little babe.
And to say," She is mine..." is just an honor I do not deserve.
Yes, I had her in me for 9 months, but God placed her there, and saw her as she grew and matured before coming out.
She saved my life. and now she is talking about boys, and sex and marriage!
I love her so much, yet I know that I cannot fully keep her from the evil abounding in this world. But I can prepare her for the horrors she will hear about or see in her own life time.
I want her to be an independent young woman, who is bold and courageous to stand up to her adversaries when they come, to not let any storm hold her back, nor let any man rob her of her innocence less break her hurt and self esteem.
That she may be able to comfort, and help those in need, and that she may show compassion and love without expecting anything in return.
I hope to accomplish this before my time comes. That she may grow and become a part of society, in which she is neither full of herself less, denies herself. but that she can contribute her qualities, and skills in helping those that are lost within this world.
Happy birthday baby girl!
Angel 4 Eternity
Proud of You....
Do you remember the very first time your mom or dad ever uttered those words to you?
How did it make you feel? What emotion came first to mind? Did they ever repeat that phrase throughout your lifetime?
I rarely heard it, most of my childhood years and rest of my life... Eventually those that would tell me were either my teachers, or relatives. Yet, even then, I would never believe them less would I care about what they would say about me.
All my life, my heart ached for the lack of parental love and affection I did not receive at home and I yearned to be the daughter they had always wished for.
I lost faith in them, and myself, and gave up, in hoping that a day would come in which at least one of my parents would utter that phrase to me.
So, when my mom pulled me aside the other day, and told me upfront, how proud she was of my accomplishments ect... I was in total disabelief, yet at the same time, in spite of what my heart had yearned for, all these years, I really did not react much besides thanking her and just being amazed by what God had done.
And also when she commented on this the second time around, I felt as if I had known all along that I was able to do more, and even if she and my dad had never been proud of me, I knew that GOd had always believed in me, and that is more important and valuable to me at this time.
When they gave up on me, He picked me up, when they left me for dead, He brought me back to life, and now, even in the midst of this new storm arising, I know, that God has not abandoned me, and He is slowly taking me out of living a life of contempment and into a life in which I need to realize, that I might never own my own house, yet that does not mean He will let my child and I live without refuge, but that as long as I trust in HIm, He will continue to provide me with a new place to move to.
So far I have gotten one reply back and am expecing to get at least one more reply back by tomorrow in regards to moving into a new place.
I pray it be a place just as good as this last one or even better!
I have been crying and depressed but in the end I am thankful for being alive and that my daughter is recovering as well.
And having her is worth more than having the best car, best home or any other thing, even money!
Angel 4 Eternity
How did it make you feel? What emotion came first to mind? Did they ever repeat that phrase throughout your lifetime?
I rarely heard it, most of my childhood years and rest of my life... Eventually those that would tell me were either my teachers, or relatives. Yet, even then, I would never believe them less would I care about what they would say about me.
All my life, my heart ached for the lack of parental love and affection I did not receive at home and I yearned to be the daughter they had always wished for.
I lost faith in them, and myself, and gave up, in hoping that a day would come in which at least one of my parents would utter that phrase to me.
So, when my mom pulled me aside the other day, and told me upfront, how proud she was of my accomplishments ect... I was in total disabelief, yet at the same time, in spite of what my heart had yearned for, all these years, I really did not react much besides thanking her and just being amazed by what God had done.
And also when she commented on this the second time around, I felt as if I had known all along that I was able to do more, and even if she and my dad had never been proud of me, I knew that GOd had always believed in me, and that is more important and valuable to me at this time.
When they gave up on me, He picked me up, when they left me for dead, He brought me back to life, and now, even in the midst of this new storm arising, I know, that God has not abandoned me, and He is slowly taking me out of living a life of contempment and into a life in which I need to realize, that I might never own my own house, yet that does not mean He will let my child and I live without refuge, but that as long as I trust in HIm, He will continue to provide me with a new place to move to.
So far I have gotten one reply back and am expecing to get at least one more reply back by tomorrow in regards to moving into a new place.
I pray it be a place just as good as this last one or even better!
I have been crying and depressed but in the end I am thankful for being alive and that my daughter is recovering as well.
And having her is worth more than having the best car, best home or any other thing, even money!
Angel 4 Eternity
Help: House Hunting
So, at this time I am in need of a new place to move to that will accept both my daughter and myself.
I can commit to paying from $400-600 dollars in rent, every two weeks, around the time I get paid, meaning, the total amount divided in half. My most ideal payment would be no more than $525 per month.
I need a large room and if possible own bathroom to use. Within my living area which currently is between, 20120 and 20170.
So, far the cheapest places out there are way too far from my job.
Ok, well, I will continue to search and look, and God will somehow provide in the end, as always.
If only, I was getting married, or married....sigh...but maybe being married would not help out really....sigh..
Patience. I need to be patient. Its not easy.
Just needed to vent a bit.
Angel 4 Eternity
I can commit to paying from $400-600 dollars in rent, every two weeks, around the time I get paid, meaning, the total amount divided in half. My most ideal payment would be no more than $525 per month.
I need a large room and if possible own bathroom to use. Within my living area which currently is between, 20120 and 20170.
So, far the cheapest places out there are way too far from my job.
Ok, well, I will continue to search and look, and God will somehow provide in the end, as always.
If only, I was getting married, or married....sigh...but maybe being married would not help out really....sigh..
Patience. I need to be patient. Its not easy.
Just needed to vent a bit.
Angel 4 Eternity
Falling out of Love?
Is there such a thing, as,"Falling out of Love?"
I think there is. I suppose this can be applied to any type of relationship, not just merely a romantic one.
Parents, overall, love their children and so forth. Siblings, depending on age difference love each other alot, or not so much. Friends, relatives and girlfriend and boyfriends, have these falling in and out of love.
I have fallen out of love, many times in my life. More so within my adopted family. Yet, I have noticed, that even when this happens, someone else comes in and starts pouring love into your life. Its up to you if you want it or not. Well, with my current trials and tribulations, I have not fallen out of love with Jesus, but I have withdrawn from His light, by dwelling more on materialistic things that will eventually have no value once I die. And hence, instead of living my life in full, I am holding myself back.
Why? Because I have allowed fear to take over my heart. I mean, I am sure each and every one of you has some type of fear in your life too, right? I am afraid of the following:
Not being a good mother
Not being a good wife
Not being the best example my children can have
Failing everyone I love
Failing myself
Rejection
Never being good enough
Yet, God keeps on drawing me out and contradicts all these fears with His Truth and His Word.
I am far from being a pastor, less missionary, yet my walk in christianity is not solely based on my going to church every sunday or doing good deeds. Its more to do with building my relationship with Christ, and learning to live by faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself constantly, that even when things seem to be going bad, He is with me, each step of the way.
Believe me, I could list so many reasons of why I would not believe in God or any Supreme Being...yet, in the end, I have found so much more in Him, than anything or anyone here on earth.
As men and women, we are meant to need each other to a certain degree, to fill in that gap, of wanting companionship, love, understanding, support, encouragement, ect...And not so much does it have to be a husband or wife, but just about anyone, a parent, relative, sibling and friends. We all have our little support group, and friends we hang out with. We all want to be accepted as we are and not judged. Sadly, there are those whom, either place themselves higher than their counterparts, and want nothing to do with those considered scum or low life people, and then there are those, whom have been hurt too much, and prefer being alone, thinking that is the only way, they will never get hurt.
Jesus, loves us all, no matter what we have done or not done, how we act, and what are thoughts of life are in general. Believe in whatever you believe in, isn't it sad, that at this time, there are still many divisions in a society that is supposedly more adept to survive in these times?
Doesn't it feel good, when a complete stranger, gives you a hand in some way? I believe Angels exist. Some might believe in ghosts or Spirits of the dead living here still.
And then there are those who choose to not believe in anything except themselves.
What makes you a better person? What does a man or woman have to do or have to be considered a desirable person?
I am tired of falling out of love and want to fall in love, over and over again.
Angel 4 Eternity
I think there is. I suppose this can be applied to any type of relationship, not just merely a romantic one.
Parents, overall, love their children and so forth. Siblings, depending on age difference love each other alot, or not so much. Friends, relatives and girlfriend and boyfriends, have these falling in and out of love.
I have fallen out of love, many times in my life. More so within my adopted family. Yet, I have noticed, that even when this happens, someone else comes in and starts pouring love into your life. Its up to you if you want it or not. Well, with my current trials and tribulations, I have not fallen out of love with Jesus, but I have withdrawn from His light, by dwelling more on materialistic things that will eventually have no value once I die. And hence, instead of living my life in full, I am holding myself back.
Why? Because I have allowed fear to take over my heart. I mean, I am sure each and every one of you has some type of fear in your life too, right? I am afraid of the following:
Not being a good mother
Not being a good wife
Not being the best example my children can have
Failing everyone I love
Failing myself
Rejection
Never being good enough
Yet, God keeps on drawing me out and contradicts all these fears with His Truth and His Word.
I am far from being a pastor, less missionary, yet my walk in christianity is not solely based on my going to church every sunday or doing good deeds. Its more to do with building my relationship with Christ, and learning to live by faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself constantly, that even when things seem to be going bad, He is with me, each step of the way.
Believe me, I could list so many reasons of why I would not believe in God or any Supreme Being...yet, in the end, I have found so much more in Him, than anything or anyone here on earth.
As men and women, we are meant to need each other to a certain degree, to fill in that gap, of wanting companionship, love, understanding, support, encouragement, ect...And not so much does it have to be a husband or wife, but just about anyone, a parent, relative, sibling and friends. We all have our little support group, and friends we hang out with. We all want to be accepted as we are and not judged. Sadly, there are those whom, either place themselves higher than their counterparts, and want nothing to do with those considered scum or low life people, and then there are those, whom have been hurt too much, and prefer being alone, thinking that is the only way, they will never get hurt.
Jesus, loves us all, no matter what we have done or not done, how we act, and what are thoughts of life are in general. Believe in whatever you believe in, isn't it sad, that at this time, there are still many divisions in a society that is supposedly more adept to survive in these times?
Doesn't it feel good, when a complete stranger, gives you a hand in some way? I believe Angels exist. Some might believe in ghosts or Spirits of the dead living here still.
And then there are those who choose to not believe in anything except themselves.
What makes you a better person? What does a man or woman have to do or have to be considered a desirable person?
I am tired of falling out of love and want to fall in love, over and over again.
Angel 4 Eternity
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Faith in the Unseen
I should be relieved and at peace today, yet I find myself,
fending off more negative thoughts and feelings, due to the fact,
that first my daughter got a staph infection on her right foot, and luckily has not
contracted a more severe form of MRSA.
Secondly, my landlord, informed me that I have 60 days to find a new home and move out by the 15th of June of this year.
Thirdly, I got my tax extension accepted, and now and trying to get some documentation needed to finish filing my tax report for federal taxes.
So, yes I am happy my daughter has not gotten worse and is getting better, that I was able to get the extension accepted and that we still have a place to call, " home".
Yet, one more thing, is I have committed to throwing her a surprise party and I feel as if I am not up to going through with it, but I will do it in the end.
Now, in all this, you might be wondering, well, how come, you say you believe in God, yet here you are complaining like anyone else would be, in a situation like this?
God is here with me, and I still believe in Him, yet, at times, He allows my stubborn self, to vent out my frustrations, fears, and failures, and once I am done doing all this, He patiently awaits for me to just turn to Him and plead my case to Him.
I am still as human as any one of you out there. I still have my flaws and commit sins, that I know are wrong, yet I still choose to do.
Yet, all in all, what has kept me going is my faith in the unseen. Yes, I have cried many tears this week, and yes, I feel trapped, yet in the end, I know that once I allow Him to come near me, and open my heart to Him once more, He will hold me and comfort me, and whisper encouraging words to me, and guide me by His hand.
At times, we can become frustrated when things do not go our way, or even when prayers seem to never be answered on time. Yet, I have learned that He will answer in His timing not mine, and in the end, His timing is always perfect, verses our own timing.
I have been crushed many times, by my own foolishness, and in spite of this, He has never stopped loving me less helping me.
Crazy, right? Well, this is just one human beings beliefs and moral standards. I am no better than a criminal, murderer, less any human being that is despised by our society.
Its just my faith that keeps me going.
Angel 4 Eternity
fending off more negative thoughts and feelings, due to the fact,
that first my daughter got a staph infection on her right foot, and luckily has not
contracted a more severe form of MRSA.
Secondly, my landlord, informed me that I have 60 days to find a new home and move out by the 15th of June of this year.
Thirdly, I got my tax extension accepted, and now and trying to get some documentation needed to finish filing my tax report for federal taxes.
So, yes I am happy my daughter has not gotten worse and is getting better, that I was able to get the extension accepted and that we still have a place to call, " home".
Yet, one more thing, is I have committed to throwing her a surprise party and I feel as if I am not up to going through with it, but I will do it in the end.
Now, in all this, you might be wondering, well, how come, you say you believe in God, yet here you are complaining like anyone else would be, in a situation like this?
God is here with me, and I still believe in Him, yet, at times, He allows my stubborn self, to vent out my frustrations, fears, and failures, and once I am done doing all this, He patiently awaits for me to just turn to Him and plead my case to Him.
I am still as human as any one of you out there. I still have my flaws and commit sins, that I know are wrong, yet I still choose to do.
Yet, all in all, what has kept me going is my faith in the unseen. Yes, I have cried many tears this week, and yes, I feel trapped, yet in the end, I know that once I allow Him to come near me, and open my heart to Him once more, He will hold me and comfort me, and whisper encouraging words to me, and guide me by His hand.
At times, we can become frustrated when things do not go our way, or even when prayers seem to never be answered on time. Yet, I have learned that He will answer in His timing not mine, and in the end, His timing is always perfect, verses our own timing.
I have been crushed many times, by my own foolishness, and in spite of this, He has never stopped loving me less helping me.
Crazy, right? Well, this is just one human beings beliefs and moral standards. I am no better than a criminal, murderer, less any human being that is despised by our society.
Its just my faith that keeps me going.
Angel 4 Eternity
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Stuff
Its been a crazy weekend, full of anxiety, anger, frustration, guilt, and worry.
I know, sounds like some type of tornado of negative feelings.
Last week, my baby girl was pushed down by a 2nd grader in school, and she ended spraining her Achilles Tendon, on her right foot. But that is not all she had hurt, it seems a few weeks back, she somehow cut her foot and the cut somehow got a staph infection, or what is called," cellulitis toe."
There was lots or is lots of pus coming out of a tiny hole in one of her toes, and this had been causing her alot pain and discomfort.
She is on antibiotics now, for 10 days. The worst part is washing her affected foot. I do not mind blood, but I cannot stand infections. So each time, I have to try and hold my stomach together.
And on top of this, taxes had to be filed by today, and I ended asking for an extension, and Thank God I was accepted to receive this extension.
Other than that, I was informed by," R", that me and the other guy renting rooms in his home, have to get out by the 15th of June, of this year, due to his family coming from India, and his mom is planning on staying a while. So, I am devasted, and hurt, and deep within my heart, I know that God has His hand in all this, I am to learn something, or He simply is taking me from this place to a better place.
But I will confess, that I am afraid, and I feel lost. In the end, I have the choice to trust Him to provide a new home, for me and my child to move to.
Its not so easy, believe me, but I will do my best to do so.
I have been having more weird dreams....but another day I will talk more about those.
Ok, Night!
Angel 4 Eternity
I know, sounds like some type of tornado of negative feelings.
Last week, my baby girl was pushed down by a 2nd grader in school, and she ended spraining her Achilles Tendon, on her right foot. But that is not all she had hurt, it seems a few weeks back, she somehow cut her foot and the cut somehow got a staph infection, or what is called," cellulitis toe."
There was lots or is lots of pus coming out of a tiny hole in one of her toes, and this had been causing her alot pain and discomfort.
She is on antibiotics now, for 10 days. The worst part is washing her affected foot. I do not mind blood, but I cannot stand infections. So each time, I have to try and hold my stomach together.
And on top of this, taxes had to be filed by today, and I ended asking for an extension, and Thank God I was accepted to receive this extension.
Other than that, I was informed by," R", that me and the other guy renting rooms in his home, have to get out by the 15th of June, of this year, due to his family coming from India, and his mom is planning on staying a while. So, I am devasted, and hurt, and deep within my heart, I know that God has His hand in all this, I am to learn something, or He simply is taking me from this place to a better place.
But I will confess, that I am afraid, and I feel lost. In the end, I have the choice to trust Him to provide a new home, for me and my child to move to.
Its not so easy, believe me, but I will do my best to do so.
I have been having more weird dreams....but another day I will talk more about those.
Ok, Night!
Angel 4 Eternity
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Indeed a turnaround!
Just when I thought things were going to become worse, between my mom and myself, things seemed to take a big turnaround in which I found myself in the spotlight!
So, after not being able to locate my mom at the airport, feeling frustrated and angry; lets just say that the next day, I awoke, with a major migraine, tired and feeling very depressed. I went to work as usual, but was not able to concentrate well and ended getting off early.
Got home and rested a bit before going grocery shopping and then to pick my mom up. Well, we said hi, and started talking. Once she was ready to go, we left and picked Andy up, and went to the dollar store as I needed a few more things, before heading home.
She was impressed with R's home, and loved it! Slowly, I let her in on the fact that the sole owner, being male, lived in the house, and that he was indeed a gentleman.
She met him and was very happy to do so. We took her to the bus stop, in which she was boarding a bus to go visit my brother. Well, just as we were saying goodbye, she grabbed me and held me close to her, and said, " Maria, I am proud at how much you have changed and matured, and taken your role as a mother as any mother would. You have come a long, way, and I must say that I am very impressed at how you have managed on your own," I just looked at her, as if I knew all along this day would come, and just smiled at her, and oh the joy and peace that filled my heart, was overwhelming!
And in the end, I did not cry, at all, cause I believe I have shed many tears, in this life time, and I just accepted what she said as true, and said thank you and deep within I thanked God for doing His part in allowing her to see me as a new person.
I am so happy and just full of joy and peace at this time, and I cannot believe this has taken place, oh I am sure more is to come soon.
Enjoy your weekend!
Angel4Eternity
So, after not being able to locate my mom at the airport, feeling frustrated and angry; lets just say that the next day, I awoke, with a major migraine, tired and feeling very depressed. I went to work as usual, but was not able to concentrate well and ended getting off early.
Got home and rested a bit before going grocery shopping and then to pick my mom up. Well, we said hi, and started talking. Once she was ready to go, we left and picked Andy up, and went to the dollar store as I needed a few more things, before heading home.
She was impressed with R's home, and loved it! Slowly, I let her in on the fact that the sole owner, being male, lived in the house, and that he was indeed a gentleman.
She met him and was very happy to do so. We took her to the bus stop, in which she was boarding a bus to go visit my brother. Well, just as we were saying goodbye, she grabbed me and held me close to her, and said, " Maria, I am proud at how much you have changed and matured, and taken your role as a mother as any mother would. You have come a long, way, and I must say that I am very impressed at how you have managed on your own," I just looked at her, as if I knew all along this day would come, and just smiled at her, and oh the joy and peace that filled my heart, was overwhelming!
And in the end, I did not cry, at all, cause I believe I have shed many tears, in this life time, and I just accepted what she said as true, and said thank you and deep within I thanked God for doing His part in allowing her to see me as a new person.
I am so happy and just full of joy and peace at this time, and I cannot believe this has taken place, oh I am sure more is to come soon.
Enjoy your weekend!
Angel4Eternity
Friday, April 13, 2012
Total Disaster!!!
Went to get my mom last night from the airport, since she is not a legal citizen, just a legal resident,she has to go by customs, and that takes between 15 to 25 minutes, so I left 15 minutes after her plane landed in hopes to get her all done and ready to go. I circled around for an hour and did not see her at all, in the end, I was frustrated and tired, as it was late, and headed on home, and then today my dearly father wrote a very loving email stating I never picked her up and that God was with her, He emphasized the word God alot...
Am tired and dead beat today....
Angel 4 Eternity
Am tired and dead beat today....
Angel 4 Eternity
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Misery verses Joy
Oh how it hurts, this turmoil, that comes and goes;
What is this, that has come upon me?
Is it a visit of part of sins?
What dealings have I done, with God or the Devil himself?
Oh, how I wish to be done with it all.
Yet, either I die or live.
What must I do, to overcome this darkness,
I have failed so many in so many ways...
Even if I were to find love on this earth,
Oh what a waste it will be if in the end,
I end my misery.
But what Joy can come out of all this?
I do not know, maybe you do?
I know I must learn, to trust and to love,
yet, once my heart goes, I am at it again.
Oh, this misery has overtaken me, and I am drowning yet again!
No one else is to blame, only myself and my little brain.
For who has not warned me about doing things on time,
or improving.
Now my life has placed others lives in peril.....to some extent, but not too much either.
I want to ask for help, yet at times I feel I ask too much of it.
I need to do this or not at all.
If only i could have the joy and peace needed to overcome this new trial.
So be it, so my faith may not die along with my heart.
What is this, that has come upon me?
Is it a visit of part of sins?
What dealings have I done, with God or the Devil himself?
Oh, how I wish to be done with it all.
Yet, either I die or live.
What must I do, to overcome this darkness,
I have failed so many in so many ways...
Even if I were to find love on this earth,
Oh what a waste it will be if in the end,
I end my misery.
But what Joy can come out of all this?
I do not know, maybe you do?
I know I must learn, to trust and to love,
yet, once my heart goes, I am at it again.
Oh, this misery has overtaken me, and I am drowning yet again!
No one else is to blame, only myself and my little brain.
For who has not warned me about doing things on time,
or improving.
Now my life has placed others lives in peril.....to some extent, but not too much either.
I want to ask for help, yet at times I feel I ask too much of it.
I need to do this or not at all.
If only i could have the joy and peace needed to overcome this new trial.
So be it, so my faith may not die along with my heart.
Falling............
Today is not a good day,
I know I should look at the positive, yet
right now I feel as if walls are falling on me, and
I am not able to escape the doom that is coming along with
my mistakes and screw ups this week.
I want to scream and shout! I want to do something drastic!
Its all my fault, or not? Yes, i am guilty of sin, of making bad choices,
of not being perfect, and letting pride and selfishness take control over my life.
I am pulling away from God, but why?
I feel so close, yet instead of moving forward, I am stuck.
I feel as if I will never accomplish much, but this is not true, to some degree if I let
God control my life!
I just feel like throwing in the towel, once and for all, or not...
Not a good day...just falling and falling and falling.....
I know I should look at the positive, yet
right now I feel as if walls are falling on me, and
I am not able to escape the doom that is coming along with
my mistakes and screw ups this week.
I want to scream and shout! I want to do something drastic!
Its all my fault, or not? Yes, i am guilty of sin, of making bad choices,
of not being perfect, and letting pride and selfishness take control over my life.
I am pulling away from God, but why?
I feel so close, yet instead of moving forward, I am stuck.
I feel as if I will never accomplish much, but this is not true, to some degree if I let
God control my life!
I just feel like throwing in the towel, once and for all, or not...
Not a good day...just falling and falling and falling.....
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Easter and Springtime
Good day to all,
My day was the usual, work, dropping my kid off at school, picking her up after I got off work and then home we are.
She relayed her day to me during the ride home and impressed me by doing her math homework in the car, and finishing it by the time we got home. Unknown to her and my own person, there was a little surprise awaiting to be found. During the morning rush of getting out of the house and getting in the car, etc, had ended in my losing a sandal.
NOw, up until we got home, I had thought that somewhere in the back, with all the junk that I have in the back seat of my car, it would be hidden there, to be found. So, my daughter and I were working out a plan on how we would tackle this issue, once we got home.
As I took a turn and started pulling into my parking spot, something caught my eye. It was lying on the ground, and it almost was unnoticeable as it had the same color as the asphalt that makes up the road. Take a wild guess at what the object was?
Yes, indeed! what had been lost was found right where it had fallen out during our morning rush! My daughter cracked up and I was turning red, blue, purple and who knows what else. I casually slowed the car and put it in park. She took one look at me and said," I am not picking it up, you are!'
So, I slowly opened the door, and looked around, no one was in sight, but of course what about the lady who hides behind her curtain window, or the man tending his dog, I almost wanted to just leave the sandal there, and avoid any type of embarrassment. Of course in the end, I reluctantly, bended over and picked up the forgotten object. Our treasure hunt was over! I decided to act casual about it, and not make any type of scene. I walked slowly to the front door and then with a rush, unlocked the door and ran inside!
By the time my lovely angel got inside she was rolling on the floor, laughing and pointing her finger at me! I could not help but join in her laughter! It felt great being able to share this embarrassing moment with her. She is not going to let me go so easily.
I changed clothed, and finished washing some dishes and putting them away. She wanted to watch her favorite show,"Ghost Whisperer," on Netflix. Right now, she is downstairs in our room, chilling and I am in the sun room writing this new post.
The new guy in my life, whom I will name,"R", is outside taking care of his plants and tending to them, making sure they do not die. He is a good man. Hmm I should change the title.
Well, we ended not going to church on Easter sunday and stayed home to just relax and rest. For some reason I have been feeling overly tired these days. I was not feeling too guilty until a friend of mine asked why I had not gone to church?
In the end, just because one does not go to church, will it mean that God is going to punish me, and get mad at me. I mean He knows and He sees everything, and I mean everything! So, I think its more between Him and me, not anyone else's business, right?
I got to talk to R last night about my moms almost unannounced arrival this coming Thursday It was the hardest thing, not so much telling him that she was coming, more so, telling the whole story behind why I did not want her here. I felt guilty and was afraid that R would see me as an ungrateful child, or mean person, and I had to suppress the urge to crying and not being able to talk.
In the end, I got through with what I had wanted to say, or at least half of it. Afterwards I felt so raw and so exposed, I felt my heart would not be able to go on. He was very understanding and supportive, and he valued what I had to say, and thanked me and even tried suggesting another solution to this problem.
No one had really ever done such thing, that I was just moved, touched and shocked all in one. Yet, it helped, keep my head clear, once he helped me see the options that existed and what I could do to manage everything.
I am not one to say, that I am an expert in reading a man's eyes, yet during this time, as I looked and searched his eyes, he looked into mine with a look, that made me feel safe and secure. It seemed as if in secret, he was providing the comfort I needed without needing to touch my hand or hug me. I was blushing hard, and my body started feeling really hot, I felt in a rush to get out of there, and I needed to cool off, so went and took a quick shower, and right then and there, wave after wave of fresh tears came, along with an ache in my heart, of what is lost and of what I will never be able to recover in regards to my relationship with my adopted mother. I cried for the both of us. For our loss. For her pain, as well as mine, for the hurt, the fights and arguments. It was as if I came to realize that a part of me was dead, yet I was much more alive.
I am not sure what to tell her when I see her, except,"Hi..." I know what I can come to expect from her. Mainly, once she realized my current living arrangement with a divorced man who is a father to a sweet, cute, six year old boy.
She will have several options in regards to what she will say or think. Yet in the end, I am not going to try and get her to see things my way. and just let God be the one to deal with her.
The good thing is that she is going to be with my brother for most of her time here before going back on the 26th of May. I am relieved to not having to be around her as much. I will confess, the part that hurts the most is the fact that she is willing to come and help my brother out, but has never offered me any help, only conditions that I must accomplish before she gives me some sort of help. He, my brother has always been her favorite, and even my daughter became a favorite, somehow I am there but not quite there.
Am I alone in this? Am I losing my mind? Is this being selfish? Am I guilty of feeling what I feel?
Well, Spring is a new season full of new beginnings for everyone. I love being able to go outside and to look at how the trees bloom and how the birds are working hard to find the perfect spot for their nest. I wonder, how do they know they have found the perfect spot? God surely looks after them. Just as He looks after them the more He will do for those that simply accept Him and Love Him.
Some might say," Love is in the air.." I believe it is, and if Love has come to find me this time, I pray that it stays and never leaves, that it may grow and grow and allow my life to be full of new experiences and new beginnings not just for my child and myself but for this man whom has somehow managed to capture my heart and my soul, pulling me towards his own, with his own hurts and his own life experiences and his son.
I have come to love that boy, and I love him too, yet, I do not want to rush anything and am willing to wait, and see, if he and I can get passed our nerves and work up into trusting each other, and feeling comfortable enough to move onward, I suppose.
I am so afraid of screwing things up, and I have been reading every article or blog that talks about what men want or are looking for in their mate, or future wife. Dating tips, relationship building strategies, and so on. I might be going a bit overboard with all this, yet I believe if anything, this will be my first potential opportunity to love a man, and give him my all, and not hold anything back from him. Its as if my heart just wants to explode and cover him, and his son with the love I have held all this time within me. Its just there waiting to come out.
One thing, I have not mentioned before was this; before finding this home and R. I had been looking at other homes in which families lived, or single mothers lived in, yet each \place I checked with kept on turning my daughter and I away. It got to a point in which I was getting desperate. I was losing my head and then I remember praying: " God, please, please help me find a place, the right place in which you would want us to reside in, that is safe, and provides a loving environment. If possible, and it be a man, that he may be divorced or simply be a single father, with one or two young kids. And if it is a divorced man, that he be the one you have for me. I am willing to live with a man that has a home large enough for my child and me, and that he be willing to take us in. "
A few days later, I saw a posting that specifically mentioned, that this person was looking for a single person, and was also opened to taking in a single mother with one child. I could not believe my eyes! I got excited and replied and soon after, he replied and in the end, we came, and we met, and I was impressed and humbled.
And so here we are, and he and I are getting a chance to know each other in many ways, since really, living under the same roof, its kind of hard not to run into each other. Mainly, we do so in the kitchen or front yard. Each time we do, I cannot help but smile, and my heart jumps and my hands sweat, and he seems to get jittery too, but up to now neither he nor I have said much about liking each other etc...I have simply stayed put. Yet, my daughter has observed him looking out the window, in the morning when we are heading out, and I started doing the same thing lately. Whenever I know he is outside and we are inside, I take a quick peak from time to time outside. Most of the times I have caught on to him, but he has not been able to catch me, unless my daughter pulls the curtains wide opened, and then he blushes. I feel as if we were a pair of crazy teenagers.
If anything, this man is a true gentleman, which is something you cannot see around as before. He is a man of heart and pure gold, not financially, just in how he acts and how he opens doors, offers help, even when not asked, and does thoughtful things from time to time.
No man has ever looked at me as he does, Now, see here, God has loved me before any man has ever loved me and He has told me that it did not matter if I have never been loved by a man because indeed His love is greater.
I know now, that I cannot expect a man to love me as God does, nor for a man to be perfect ect...
I am also not into jewelry as most women are, nor do I want men wasting money on buying me expensive things like perfume, make up or just anything. I prefer a man simply give me of his time, pays attention and lets me talk things out with him. And a man that lets me cook for him. I love cooking, I enjoy it, and I do not mind washing dishes and putting them away. I think if anything R, is the first man to see me for who I am, in a way no other man has seen me, ever.... Man wise. I have a few guys at church that are interested in me, but I am not keen into doing anything more then just being friends with them because I consider them too young for me. They are between 6-10 years younger than me. R is 8 years older than me, which is not bad. I think. I cannot wait to see what else comes my way at this time before Summer comes in full.
OK, I am going to stop writing now.
have a good evening or morning to all.
Angel 4 Eternity
Would you be willing to die for a bad person or good person?
“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8 NIV
Angel 4 Eternity
Angel 4 Eternity
Monday, April 9, 2012
My adopted Mother
Well, it seems that after a while of not hearing from my mom, she kindly sent me an email this past weekend stating that she is coming on over to the states this week, and needs me to pick her up, and provide a place for to sleep in before she heads out to help my older brother with my two little nephews.
So, sure, I am the only daughter she has had, and in the end, in spite of everything, we have had a few bonding moments, yet, what gets me, is the fact that in spite of her not wanting to accept that her, " Not so faithful husband", did what he did to me, she expects me to continue treating her the same way as before.
Now, even God has been teaching me about forgiving and letting go, and loving your enemies; I am sure some of you have heard of this, and yes, we are to do that, yet saying the words is the easy part, but doing it, is the hardest part!
I am working on doing this, and I have come a long way, yet at this time, I am feeling both betrayed and hurt, that as usual I am the last one to find out about her and my brother's plans. As always, I have to play the dutiful daughter part, as if nothing has ever been amissed. And it hurts!
So, right now, some of you might be thinking, " If this girl, says she is a christian, she might be the fall out type!", so yeah, could be so, but hey, I have stated, that no one can expect me to be the perfect, little, saint, and not have one spot of blemish in my life at this time.
Yet, I have the right to be angry and hurt too! The one thing, I will not do is act upon my anger and hurt, but to seek His peace and direction on how to proceed with this unexpected announcement.
For one, my parents, due to cultural background and religious beliefs, have not been told that I am currently renting a room within a home, in which a divorced man currently is living in to. Why? Well, the fact that I am living with a man, in his house, might not be something most parents would like to hear about their daughter. In the end, its not as if I did it because I already had some type of relationship with the guy, cause we didn't or don't! Yes, living with him, has kind of put both him and me, in a situation, which we both are treading carefully, because yeah, we both are attractive to each othere and we are getting to know almost every detail of each others lives, wether we like it or not!
In the end, I am quite happy, living here, and I do not mind his presence at all. He makes me feel safe and secure.
Yet, I am sure my mother will have a flip about this. I can just see her face, and right about guess what will be crossing her mind! So, the fact that I have witheld this information from them, well, I had my reasons.
And the fact that she will be going to my brother in another state, will bring more drama, in regards to her telling my brother and then begging him to come down on me, by telling me why I should move out immediately!
Yeah, perfect family right?
Well, I shall see how it all plays out in the end, cause I do not want her in my( temporarily) new home neither does her granddaughter! Of course I cannot tell her this because it might kill her!
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Angel 4 Eternity
So, sure, I am the only daughter she has had, and in the end, in spite of everything, we have had a few bonding moments, yet, what gets me, is the fact that in spite of her not wanting to accept that her, " Not so faithful husband", did what he did to me, she expects me to continue treating her the same way as before.
Now, even God has been teaching me about forgiving and letting go, and loving your enemies; I am sure some of you have heard of this, and yes, we are to do that, yet saying the words is the easy part, but doing it, is the hardest part!
I am working on doing this, and I have come a long way, yet at this time, I am feeling both betrayed and hurt, that as usual I am the last one to find out about her and my brother's plans. As always, I have to play the dutiful daughter part, as if nothing has ever been amissed. And it hurts!
So, right now, some of you might be thinking, " If this girl, says she is a christian, she might be the fall out type!", so yeah, could be so, but hey, I have stated, that no one can expect me to be the perfect, little, saint, and not have one spot of blemish in my life at this time.
Yet, I have the right to be angry and hurt too! The one thing, I will not do is act upon my anger and hurt, but to seek His peace and direction on how to proceed with this unexpected announcement.
For one, my parents, due to cultural background and religious beliefs, have not been told that I am currently renting a room within a home, in which a divorced man currently is living in to. Why? Well, the fact that I am living with a man, in his house, might not be something most parents would like to hear about their daughter. In the end, its not as if I did it because I already had some type of relationship with the guy, cause we didn't or don't! Yes, living with him, has kind of put both him and me, in a situation, which we both are treading carefully, because yeah, we both are attractive to each othere and we are getting to know almost every detail of each others lives, wether we like it or not!
In the end, I am quite happy, living here, and I do not mind his presence at all. He makes me feel safe and secure.
Yet, I am sure my mother will have a flip about this. I can just see her face, and right about guess what will be crossing her mind! So, the fact that I have witheld this information from them, well, I had my reasons.
And the fact that she will be going to my brother in another state, will bring more drama, in regards to her telling my brother and then begging him to come down on me, by telling me why I should move out immediately!
Yeah, perfect family right?
Well, I shall see how it all plays out in the end, cause I do not want her in my( temporarily) new home neither does her granddaughter! Of course I cannot tell her this because it might kill her!
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Angel 4 Eternity
Friday, April 6, 2012
Ramblings of an almost 11 yr old Girl
My daughter, keeps on arguing that I am getting too old, and if indeed I want to marry, that I need to hurry up and get into the game. I smile and tell her, that its not that easy for me to just go on out and get some guy to marry me, without getting to know him first.
The only thing, that holds me back is when she starts sharing her worst fears, such as:
Your husband will not love me.
Your children will not respect me.
You will not want me anymore.
He will never let you love me.
Once you have another baby, you will push me away.
I am not going to be good enough for you.
Admiringly, as she states these facts, my heart cries out for her to realize, that I would never do such things, less abandon her. Sadly, our forced separation has probably, made her feel, as if I really would abandon her.
I keep on reassuring her that by no means will I ever marry a man whom cannot love her and accept her as she is, along with my own person.
That God has promised me a husband, yet I have no idea what he will look like or who he is and that she can pray as well, asking God for specific things she would like to have in a Step dad.
As she never met her own father, she normally does not like discussing him much, but in the end, I know she yearns to have a fatherly figure in her life at this time. She has told me so, plus she wants siblings.
In the end, I have come to realize, that she has ended becoming a victim herself, in the midst of this on going battle I have had with my adoptive parents. And my dad has manipulated her and brought her into the middle of things, to make me submit to his wishes.
She has been exposed to both verbal, and mental abuse, from my father towards my mother, and my own self.
She has seen my father hit me, since she was a babe, and would come to my defense by the time she could walk. I have overlooked her own pain and fears, by dwelling in my own pain and grief, and not that I do not care for her, its more that I was so blinded, I never thought to think, this could be affecting her but it has.
Each time we have some type of argument, she tends to raise her voice, throw things at me, and has even gotten around to hitting me, punching me and enjoying the fact that I cower and fear her. She is very strong.
She is now resorting to name calling as well, and I have told her that just because her grandad did such things did not mean they were right, less gave her any right over me.
I have asked her why she does these things, and she says, that she does not know, but that she thinks its the only way to make her point come across at me.
Yet I know, the truth is right there, in her eyes, and heart, are memories, that she has forgotten or hidden, of dark times, in which she was caught in the midst of arguments against her mother.
In the end, she loves me as I love her, and we have our sweet moments together. Yet, things get bad, when that time comes around each month, and both she and I are on edge.
Its tough, but I have told her that I will do whatever I must to help her overcome her own traumas and to deal with anger in better ways.
My love for her exceeds anything she might say or think of me, because I cannot stop loving her.
I hope she can reach a place in which she allows God to heal her wounds.
In time.
Angel 4 Eternity
The only thing, that holds me back is when she starts sharing her worst fears, such as:
Your husband will not love me.
Your children will not respect me.
You will not want me anymore.
He will never let you love me.
Once you have another baby, you will push me away.
I am not going to be good enough for you.
Admiringly, as she states these facts, my heart cries out for her to realize, that I would never do such things, less abandon her. Sadly, our forced separation has probably, made her feel, as if I really would abandon her.
I keep on reassuring her that by no means will I ever marry a man whom cannot love her and accept her as she is, along with my own person.
That God has promised me a husband, yet I have no idea what he will look like or who he is and that she can pray as well, asking God for specific things she would like to have in a Step dad.
As she never met her own father, she normally does not like discussing him much, but in the end, I know she yearns to have a fatherly figure in her life at this time. She has told me so, plus she wants siblings.
In the end, I have come to realize, that she has ended becoming a victim herself, in the midst of this on going battle I have had with my adoptive parents. And my dad has manipulated her and brought her into the middle of things, to make me submit to his wishes.
She has been exposed to both verbal, and mental abuse, from my father towards my mother, and my own self.
She has seen my father hit me, since she was a babe, and would come to my defense by the time she could walk. I have overlooked her own pain and fears, by dwelling in my own pain and grief, and not that I do not care for her, its more that I was so blinded, I never thought to think, this could be affecting her but it has.
Each time we have some type of argument, she tends to raise her voice, throw things at me, and has even gotten around to hitting me, punching me and enjoying the fact that I cower and fear her. She is very strong.
She is now resorting to name calling as well, and I have told her that just because her grandad did such things did not mean they were right, less gave her any right over me.
I have asked her why she does these things, and she says, that she does not know, but that she thinks its the only way to make her point come across at me.
Yet I know, the truth is right there, in her eyes, and heart, are memories, that she has forgotten or hidden, of dark times, in which she was caught in the midst of arguments against her mother.
In the end, she loves me as I love her, and we have our sweet moments together. Yet, things get bad, when that time comes around each month, and both she and I are on edge.
Its tough, but I have told her that I will do whatever I must to help her overcome her own traumas and to deal with anger in better ways.
My love for her exceeds anything she might say or think of me, because I cannot stop loving her.
I hope she can reach a place in which she allows God to heal her wounds.
In time.
Angel 4 Eternity
Celebrating Easter
Easter is upon us, once more, and many people of different cultural backgrounds, and countries are celebrating one main event. The death and resurrection of Jesus, whom is the Son of God.
Now, many have different opinions in regards to if Jesus is indeed real, or if He really existed? Others consider Him, a prophet of some sort, while others simply choose to deny His existence, less have faith on the unseen and unknown.
In the end, I believe, that no matter what I were to say or do, I cannot reach into every person's heart and make them believe forcibaly as a few religious and non religious sects tend to do. I just know that I will continue to respect my neighbor, be it man, woman, child, teenager, and overall, just love you for who you are, and not judge you in regards to your own beliefs or faith.
Now, I am not a preacher less a pastor, pretty much I am growing Christian whom is still on the path of learning and gaining insight on His Kingdom. So, if you were to take a look into my life, and for example:
You catch me smoking a cigarrette, or drinking a cup of wine or a bottle of beer
If you base the assumption on what you see, then you my friend, will be mislead, into thinking," Look at her, she calls herself christian, yet she is doing so and so, yeah right!"
Now, I will not argue this point and just say, to a certain degree, we all judge by what our eyes can see, and its easy to assume that we can come to know more by looking and observing someone verses talking to them.
I have stated in the beginning, that for some reason, anyone that considers themselves Christian, or of any other faith, those surrounding that person, tend to hold this person to higher standards and expects them to live a life of a saint. Well, that perception is so wrong, and way off, because, like it or not, we still continue living as most human beings do.
We are not inmmune to the things of this world, what truly changes in time, is the person's heart, as he or she realizes that its not so much about going to a building called," church", or staying put, while a pastor preaches, in spite of a complaining stomach, nor reading any holy book, that makes a person a christian, its more the relationship you develop one on one with God.
I could list all my sins on here if I liked but in the end, it really would not serve its purpose, as He has forgiven me each time I have confessed to Him directly, with a humbled heart.
So, in the end, during Easter, or " Holy week", many people tend to come on out to any church to check them out, and at times, they find themselves returning to the church they visit, while others simply go to church, to just show off their new clothing, and once Easter is done with, they simply go back to living and rarely going back to church at all.
It happens, I know. No one will ever be a saint, even those considered as saints, have had blunders in their own lives, but its not like we are all going to come on out and say," Oh I did this and this the other day."
As I recall, during my childhood years, Easter was a time in which we would get out of the house and go on a retreat, wthout my dad, so it was one of the few times, I would feel safe.
I enjoyed the retreat, as we would see old friends and make new ones, but more so the food they had for us each day.
We would go to farms and milk cows, pet goats and buy milk! I believe, as a child, we have an easier time accepting things then when we grow older, and mature more.
In the end, Easter, has been turned inside out, and even those who do not believe in God celebrate it, with the Easter bunny and egg hunts. Which is not a bad thing, yet I find it particulary interesting that this goes on, during a festivity that is so focused on a man, who came to earth, and lived among His people, to only rejected, tortured and killed, on behalf of political and religious beliefs.
In the end, I am not here to say to you," Believe!" or "Repent!" less will you see me on the streets hitting people on their heads with a big bible!
This will be the first Easter that my daughter and I will celebrate on our own, without my parents. And I hope to be able to relay the message to her and for her to accept it, or not, but mainly to cherish each moment I have with her before she gets older.
I am not sure I have made any sense, my apologies, just writing down things as they come to mind.
Enjoy this weekend with your loved ones, hold them close, and blessings to all!
Angel 4 Eternity
Now, many have different opinions in regards to if Jesus is indeed real, or if He really existed? Others consider Him, a prophet of some sort, while others simply choose to deny His existence, less have faith on the unseen and unknown.
In the end, I believe, that no matter what I were to say or do, I cannot reach into every person's heart and make them believe forcibaly as a few religious and non religious sects tend to do. I just know that I will continue to respect my neighbor, be it man, woman, child, teenager, and overall, just love you for who you are, and not judge you in regards to your own beliefs or faith.
Now, I am not a preacher less a pastor, pretty much I am growing Christian whom is still on the path of learning and gaining insight on His Kingdom. So, if you were to take a look into my life, and for example:
You catch me smoking a cigarrette, or drinking a cup of wine or a bottle of beer
If you base the assumption on what you see, then you my friend, will be mislead, into thinking," Look at her, she calls herself christian, yet she is doing so and so, yeah right!"
Now, I will not argue this point and just say, to a certain degree, we all judge by what our eyes can see, and its easy to assume that we can come to know more by looking and observing someone verses talking to them.
I have stated in the beginning, that for some reason, anyone that considers themselves Christian, or of any other faith, those surrounding that person, tend to hold this person to higher standards and expects them to live a life of a saint. Well, that perception is so wrong, and way off, because, like it or not, we still continue living as most human beings do.
We are not inmmune to the things of this world, what truly changes in time, is the person's heart, as he or she realizes that its not so much about going to a building called," church", or staying put, while a pastor preaches, in spite of a complaining stomach, nor reading any holy book, that makes a person a christian, its more the relationship you develop one on one with God.
I could list all my sins on here if I liked but in the end, it really would not serve its purpose, as He has forgiven me each time I have confessed to Him directly, with a humbled heart.
So, in the end, during Easter, or " Holy week", many people tend to come on out to any church to check them out, and at times, they find themselves returning to the church they visit, while others simply go to church, to just show off their new clothing, and once Easter is done with, they simply go back to living and rarely going back to church at all.
It happens, I know. No one will ever be a saint, even those considered as saints, have had blunders in their own lives, but its not like we are all going to come on out and say," Oh I did this and this the other day."
As I recall, during my childhood years, Easter was a time in which we would get out of the house and go on a retreat, wthout my dad, so it was one of the few times, I would feel safe.
I enjoyed the retreat, as we would see old friends and make new ones, but more so the food they had for us each day.
We would go to farms and milk cows, pet goats and buy milk! I believe, as a child, we have an easier time accepting things then when we grow older, and mature more.
In the end, Easter, has been turned inside out, and even those who do not believe in God celebrate it, with the Easter bunny and egg hunts. Which is not a bad thing, yet I find it particulary interesting that this goes on, during a festivity that is so focused on a man, who came to earth, and lived among His people, to only rejected, tortured and killed, on behalf of political and religious beliefs.
In the end, I am not here to say to you," Believe!" or "Repent!" less will you see me on the streets hitting people on their heads with a big bible!
This will be the first Easter that my daughter and I will celebrate on our own, without my parents. And I hope to be able to relay the message to her and for her to accept it, or not, but mainly to cherish each moment I have with her before she gets older.
I am not sure I have made any sense, my apologies, just writing down things as they come to mind.
Enjoy this weekend with your loved ones, hold them close, and blessings to all!
Angel 4 Eternity
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