Been a while, since I have posted on here. Life has brought about changes, in my life.
This past month, I was semi homeless, as I had no place to officially stay at for long, and in search of a new place to live. Which I ended finding before the 1st of August.
This past Friday, I was terminated from my job of 2 1/2 yrs, and so now, I am in search of a new job.
Now, I have two choices:
Sit down, and cry my eyes out and do nothing else.
Get up, stop feeling sorry myself and become active in looking for new positions and new agency's that I could work with.
Life will always throw big waves at us, and in the end, I am not going to victimize myself nor expect always someone else to come and rescue me, humanly speaking, yet all in all, God has never left me, under either circumstance and as someone told me, this just means a new look in life and new beginnings, so I am going to stick to this.
Ok, well peace to all.
Angel4 Eternity
Monday, August 6, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
There is no room....
There is no room for you. Sorry, but we are full.
Where have I heard these words before? In the bible, of course, when Mary and Joseph were seeking room in an INN as she was about to give birth, and in the end, the only place they could find was a stinking, old barn.
This is the most common story known to most. Each christmas, this story is retold many times. As a kid I would enjoy seeing the drama unfold, in the skits put on by the youth group, and choir. Well, in the end, at times, that message does not really hit home to those that have never experienced that.
So, as of this week, my child and I have been able to encounter the same exact problem, as His parents did, in trying to find a shelter that will take us in, as my landlord, got upset over a carpet stain, and wanted my child and I to live in his basement which is not suited for any human being to live or sleep in. He pretty much was calling us trash and treating us so, even though there were two rooms upstairs for us to use. He then gave me the choice of either that or the door, I chose the door. In the end there were other factors, like the fact that he loved having his 50 something lady over and have rough sex, and enjoyed knowing that everyone could hear them. He did not care that my child overheard their noises and that was not something she needed to hear or even know that they were doing. The funny thing was that, the first question he asked me was if I had a boyfriend, and I was like," NO." He was like good, cause I do not want you bringing men over to have sex and I was like, what like, I am not going around sleeping with just about every guy plus my daughter is with me, and I would never do that, in front of her either; I mean imagine my telling her: " Honey, can you go outside and play while Tom and I have some privacy..." And no, I am in no way, going down that road, and am doing all I can to not fall for that same old trap again, by staying focused on God and my child.
In the end, We have been sleeping in a motel, the first night someone else paid for our room and last night and tonight I was able to pay for another room. MY daughter got scared last night, while we were on the road, and I was trying to figure out what to do, and she started crying cause of the thunder and the lightning. It broke my heart to hear her cry. But all in all, I am not sitting down idly, I have been to the police department, and I have called shelters myself, and up to now, most are already full. The police have done the same. as well. They even told me I could take my ex landlord to court and make him give me my money back! And that I should not pay any utility bills or rent to him anymore.
I have already replied to 5 postings on Craigslist and am waiting to hear back from someone. Am actively searching and am still employed, thank God! Am tired. too. And Scared, but who wouldn't. As any mother, worries, I am worried, yet I am also in survival mode and more importantly, I am doing what I can to provide my child with all she needs more importantly, Love.
Also, I am learning to lean more on God, for His guidance, and am learning that pride takes you no where. I am not wise enough, strong enough, but I will do what I can to find a new home for my child and myself.
Peace to all,
Angel4Eternity
Where have I heard these words before? In the bible, of course, when Mary and Joseph were seeking room in an INN as she was about to give birth, and in the end, the only place they could find was a stinking, old barn.
This is the most common story known to most. Each christmas, this story is retold many times. As a kid I would enjoy seeing the drama unfold, in the skits put on by the youth group, and choir. Well, in the end, at times, that message does not really hit home to those that have never experienced that.
So, as of this week, my child and I have been able to encounter the same exact problem, as His parents did, in trying to find a shelter that will take us in, as my landlord, got upset over a carpet stain, and wanted my child and I to live in his basement which is not suited for any human being to live or sleep in. He pretty much was calling us trash and treating us so, even though there were two rooms upstairs for us to use. He then gave me the choice of either that or the door, I chose the door. In the end there were other factors, like the fact that he loved having his 50 something lady over and have rough sex, and enjoyed knowing that everyone could hear them. He did not care that my child overheard their noises and that was not something she needed to hear or even know that they were doing. The funny thing was that, the first question he asked me was if I had a boyfriend, and I was like," NO." He was like good, cause I do not want you bringing men over to have sex and I was like, what like, I am not going around sleeping with just about every guy plus my daughter is with me, and I would never do that, in front of her either; I mean imagine my telling her: " Honey, can you go outside and play while Tom and I have some privacy..." And no, I am in no way, going down that road, and am doing all I can to not fall for that same old trap again, by staying focused on God and my child.
In the end, We have been sleeping in a motel, the first night someone else paid for our room and last night and tonight I was able to pay for another room. MY daughter got scared last night, while we were on the road, and I was trying to figure out what to do, and she started crying cause of the thunder and the lightning. It broke my heart to hear her cry. But all in all, I am not sitting down idly, I have been to the police department, and I have called shelters myself, and up to now, most are already full. The police have done the same. as well. They even told me I could take my ex landlord to court and make him give me my money back! And that I should not pay any utility bills or rent to him anymore.
I have already replied to 5 postings on Craigslist and am waiting to hear back from someone. Am actively searching and am still employed, thank God! Am tired. too. And Scared, but who wouldn't. As any mother, worries, I am worried, yet I am also in survival mode and more importantly, I am doing what I can to provide my child with all she needs more importantly, Love.
Also, I am learning to lean more on God, for His guidance, and am learning that pride takes you no where. I am not wise enough, strong enough, but I will do what I can to find a new home for my child and myself.
Peace to all,
Angel4Eternity
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Fear
Fear has paralyzed me;
it makes my heart turn cold.
Fear stops me;
from moving onward and seems to push me back!
Fear grabs me from behind and does not let go
so easily.
Fear puts doubt in my heart and mind;
making me make poor choices.
Fear makes me tumble and fall;
yet I keep on getting back on my feet.
Even though, it might seem, that
it keeps on paralyzing me and crushing me;
I am not going to give up; Even if my faith falters
a bit, its not that I doubt God, its more that I keep
on relying on my own strengths which is not much.
I have come to the conclusion that fear is part of living and
taking risks, so I have decided to do just that.
Except not on my own, but relying on God, to give me
what I need to get up from the floor and back on my feet,
as I continue to face trials ad tribulations as I continue to seek Him.
Fear is real, and is part of everyone's life, but we cannot let fear paralyze us, or we will miss out on living.
it makes my heart turn cold.
Fear stops me;
from moving onward and seems to push me back!
Fear grabs me from behind and does not let go
so easily.
Fear puts doubt in my heart and mind;
making me make poor choices.
Fear makes me tumble and fall;
yet I keep on getting back on my feet.
Even though, it might seem, that
it keeps on paralyzing me and crushing me;
I am not going to give up; Even if my faith falters
a bit, its not that I doubt God, its more that I keep
on relying on my own strengths which is not much.
I have come to the conclusion that fear is part of living and
taking risks, so I have decided to do just that.
Except not on my own, but relying on God, to give me
what I need to get up from the floor and back on my feet,
as I continue to face trials ad tribulations as I continue to seek Him.
Fear is real, and is part of everyone's life, but we cannot let fear paralyze us, or we will miss out on living.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Totally Losing my Mind!
Who said, I cannot get angry, mad or upset? Who can tell me in my face, that I am not allowed to feel or have any type of negative emotion? WEll, guess, what ?
I am just as every other human being in this world, and its no different that my life, be full of highs and lows, and at this time I am in between. It seems, that I have to start accepting several things, that up to now, I have not been able to do, and or deny. Yet, in the end, its either that or I end up groping around blindly, looking for other ways to not face the truth, but I cannot escape the truth!
This past Monday, a friend had invited another friend of mine to a church event, somewhat close by to my new home. Now, what was not told, or foreseen, was that this event was more directed towards latin people. Now, yes, I am latin myself, wether I like it or not is besides the point! I was conceived and born in El Salvador, yet I came to the states legally. And in the end, I cannot say, I know how hard it is to become a US citizen, since I grew up here and all that, yet, in the end, what I hate about my roots, is the fact that any person sees me on the street, a shopping center, or grocery store, and will assume, that I am just like the rest of Illegals invading and coming to this country, for a better life? And the funny thing, is when I have people come up to me, and start talking in some broken spanish english mixture. I just laugh, in their faces, cause, its ridiculous that I am judged by the color of my skin and or general appearance. Then, once I start talking, they do a double take, or even jump in surprise and look at me, as if I were some alien, type person, haha!
Yes, I know english, I can read, write, and speak and have full understanding of it! Then, to see them turn pink, red, purple and blue, just makes my day....But I get frustrated, and I am more americanized than who knows what. Anyway, this event was directed towards those whom have come seeking a better life, and all that, and in the end, I will never forget one thing my mom always told us," Never go to any latin event, at any church, cause you will not be able to get any food!"
Well, we were informed that food was going to be served from 12 noon-3pm...After getting lost ect..we made it there before 2pm...Got that before 2pm!!!!
So, once my daugas hter and I saw them, we were like,:" oh no!", and as we were waiting for my friend this red car pulled up and three latin guys were ogling at the both of us, as if they have never seen a woman and her child before!!! I got so pissed, I almost ran and kicked their car! So they pull up, and this guy gets out and hands me a card, and was talking but I ignored him and made damn sure he did not look or touch my kid! I gave him the stare and he ran to the car, and as they pulled away I got the stupid card, and ripped it in front of their faces!!!
Yeah, I was mad as hell! I wanted to make them scream in pain and bleed ....I know, that is not what someone like myself should say or think, but hey, I am allowed to do so, yet, in the end, I did not go through with my thoughts. Even then, I prayed and asked God to forgive my actions, and my thoughts and words, and I cooled down later on....In the end, as we got to the tables, we could see people eating and no food! All they had was a plate of sushi!!!!
I have never been to any church event in which they run out food! I was like really!!!
I was more mad at the people there than anything else. but not my friend, mind you she was innocent of all this, I love her to death, and I am not mad at her at all, she had no idea, what we were walking into, so I am not holding her to blame in all this.
I am mad at myself for not asking more questions. and am just mad at those three jerks that almost made me do something stupid!!!!!
Btw, God has gotten mad before and even now, so, just saying.
Ok, well peace out!
I am just as every other human being in this world, and its no different that my life, be full of highs and lows, and at this time I am in between. It seems, that I have to start accepting several things, that up to now, I have not been able to do, and or deny. Yet, in the end, its either that or I end up groping around blindly, looking for other ways to not face the truth, but I cannot escape the truth!
This past Monday, a friend had invited another friend of mine to a church event, somewhat close by to my new home. Now, what was not told, or foreseen, was that this event was more directed towards latin people. Now, yes, I am latin myself, wether I like it or not is besides the point! I was conceived and born in El Salvador, yet I came to the states legally. And in the end, I cannot say, I know how hard it is to become a US citizen, since I grew up here and all that, yet, in the end, what I hate about my roots, is the fact that any person sees me on the street, a shopping center, or grocery store, and will assume, that I am just like the rest of Illegals invading and coming to this country, for a better life? And the funny thing, is when I have people come up to me, and start talking in some broken spanish english mixture. I just laugh, in their faces, cause, its ridiculous that I am judged by the color of my skin and or general appearance. Then, once I start talking, they do a double take, or even jump in surprise and look at me, as if I were some alien, type person, haha!
Yes, I know english, I can read, write, and speak and have full understanding of it! Then, to see them turn pink, red, purple and blue, just makes my day....But I get frustrated, and I am more americanized than who knows what. Anyway, this event was directed towards those whom have come seeking a better life, and all that, and in the end, I will never forget one thing my mom always told us," Never go to any latin event, at any church, cause you will not be able to get any food!"
Well, we were informed that food was going to be served from 12 noon-3pm...After getting lost ect..we made it there before 2pm...Got that before 2pm!!!!
So, once my daugas hter and I saw them, we were like,:" oh no!", and as we were waiting for my friend this red car pulled up and three latin guys were ogling at the both of us, as if they have never seen a woman and her child before!!! I got so pissed, I almost ran and kicked their car! So they pull up, and this guy gets out and hands me a card, and was talking but I ignored him and made damn sure he did not look or touch my kid! I gave him the stare and he ran to the car, and as they pulled away I got the stupid card, and ripped it in front of their faces!!!
Yeah, I was mad as hell! I wanted to make them scream in pain and bleed ....I know, that is not what someone like myself should say or think, but hey, I am allowed to do so, yet, in the end, I did not go through with my thoughts. Even then, I prayed and asked God to forgive my actions, and my thoughts and words, and I cooled down later on....In the end, as we got to the tables, we could see people eating and no food! All they had was a plate of sushi!!!!
I have never been to any church event in which they run out food! I was like really!!!
I was more mad at the people there than anything else. but not my friend, mind you she was innocent of all this, I love her to death, and I am not mad at her at all, she had no idea, what we were walking into, so I am not holding her to blame in all this.
I am mad at myself for not asking more questions. and am just mad at those three jerks that almost made me do something stupid!!!!!
Btw, God has gotten mad before and even now, so, just saying.
Ok, well peace out!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Screw up!
Have you ever done something, that afterwards, gets you thinking,
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
Monday, May 14, 2012
Learning about Forgiveness
Good day to all:
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Its Official: Moved in to New Home
As of yesterday, my daughter and I have settled into our new home!
I am pretty tired and beat up, after helping carry heavy furniture up a flight of stairs, ect..but all in all, the results of all this, has been more than I have ever dreamed of!
From all the times I have had to move from place to place, this last move has been the hardest of all. Why, you may ask, well, first off, its more to do with the fact that I ended falling for," R", in a way, I did not expect, and in the end the outcome of that, did not play as I would have wanted to some extent, yet, there is some hope in the near future, of him and I trying to see more of each other, now that I am no longer living within his home.
I could not say goodbye, so I ended, saying farewell via email. Now since "R", has had a painful and nasty divorce, his demeanor, is that of someone not worthy of anything or anyone, and in the end, as I told him, whom am I to judge him. I never asked what happened, nor why; I decided its best to leave that as it was, and made sure he never felt as if I were judging him in any way. To say the least my email was full of compliments, men, need to hear, and receive, and I did so, that he could see that no matter how broken his own heart has pulled him down, he still has so much to give of himself.
So, I cried, and was upset and crabby the last few days, knowing the day was near, and in the end, I am glad he was not in a rush to getting rid of my child and me, and let me sleep in, as he knew I was dead tired. I will never forget all he did for me, and maybe other things he never thought I would notice, I did. He is a great man full of many flaws as any other human being.
My daughter is happy that we moved out, cause she said I was driving her crazy and acting like a teenager in love. So, even if its true, would this be Love? Who knows, maybe yes, or maybe not.
In the end, now to move onwards in regards to our new home. The major changes are as follows:
Two large living rooms, dining room, basement is huge and empty. An office downstairs, along with guest bathroom. Garage is for two vehicles. Large, massive backyard. and a good neighborhood.
My daughter, once I have her changed from her current school, will be taking the bus to and from school. Now, its up to me to make friends with a stay at home mom next door, and see if she is willing to help me out with letting Andy stay with her before and after school, as it will be taking me at least an hour to get home.
Traffic is heavy in this area, mainly the afternoon. I am still a bit tired, but am hopeful, to seeing more of "R", in the near future.
Ok, well, that is all for now.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
I am pretty tired and beat up, after helping carry heavy furniture up a flight of stairs, ect..but all in all, the results of all this, has been more than I have ever dreamed of!
From all the times I have had to move from place to place, this last move has been the hardest of all. Why, you may ask, well, first off, its more to do with the fact that I ended falling for," R", in a way, I did not expect, and in the end the outcome of that, did not play as I would have wanted to some extent, yet, there is some hope in the near future, of him and I trying to see more of each other, now that I am no longer living within his home.
I could not say goodbye, so I ended, saying farewell via email. Now since "R", has had a painful and nasty divorce, his demeanor, is that of someone not worthy of anything or anyone, and in the end, as I told him, whom am I to judge him. I never asked what happened, nor why; I decided its best to leave that as it was, and made sure he never felt as if I were judging him in any way. To say the least my email was full of compliments, men, need to hear, and receive, and I did so, that he could see that no matter how broken his own heart has pulled him down, he still has so much to give of himself.
So, I cried, and was upset and crabby the last few days, knowing the day was near, and in the end, I am glad he was not in a rush to getting rid of my child and me, and let me sleep in, as he knew I was dead tired. I will never forget all he did for me, and maybe other things he never thought I would notice, I did. He is a great man full of many flaws as any other human being.
My daughter is happy that we moved out, cause she said I was driving her crazy and acting like a teenager in love. So, even if its true, would this be Love? Who knows, maybe yes, or maybe not.
In the end, now to move onwards in regards to our new home. The major changes are as follows:
- We are now living in a master bedroom in an upscale family home.
- Large private walk in closet, and I mean huge!
- A tub like jacuzzi, white, and large to hold two people.
- A separate Shower.
- The toilet is within its own little room. ( I love this)
- Two sinks, and two under cupboards to store our things in.
- The room is large enough that we each have our beds in different spaces, and with alot of space in between.
- No longer living in a basement.
- 6 large windows to let sunlight in!
- We are in charge of the heater/AC, as we have the houses main monitor in our room!
Two large living rooms, dining room, basement is huge and empty. An office downstairs, along with guest bathroom. Garage is for two vehicles. Large, massive backyard. and a good neighborhood.
My daughter, once I have her changed from her current school, will be taking the bus to and from school. Now, its up to me to make friends with a stay at home mom next door, and see if she is willing to help me out with letting Andy stay with her before and after school, as it will be taking me at least an hour to get home.
Traffic is heavy in this area, mainly the afternoon. I am still a bit tired, but am hopeful, to seeing more of "R", in the near future.
Ok, well, that is all for now.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Are we able to find love again?
For those whom have been abused sexually or raped in any way or form,
I imagine some if not most, wonder, if Love, truly exists?
I mean for all we have been through and or some might be going through,
love might seem like a very foreign concept to some, to others, like myself, at one point I associated love with pain.
Others might think Love exists but somehow cannot come our way, because we have been tainted or vilified in some way. And believe me, I was there, many a time, in which I simply thought, I am just not good enough to find love, or be loved, and I would never do much to find out if this thing called love existed or not.
These past 4 years, I have been on the road to healing from all my pain and old and new wounds. You know, If I were to count each heart break, each hurt and each wound inflicted directly or indirectly towards my person, I should truly be dead by now but am very much alive. If you were to look at all your inner wounds and find yourself breathing, that means that somehow within you, an important part of your heart is hidden within.
Love does exist, I am sure of that now, but for those whom have never been abused in any way or form, it is hard for you to see why we either hate, or fear Love in itself, and tend to push you away, or just build a fortress around ourselves, thinking the only way to stay safe, is if Love is kept at some distance from us.
Yet, what was done to me, and you, was not an act of love nor does it represent love in any way, it was simply an act of defilement, in which the person doing what they did was acting upon their own selfish desires, and whom used the word love to make it seem as if what was being done, was indeed normal or not so bad as it might have seemed, yet that is a big, fat lie!
The whole thing about those whom have either been abuses sexually or raped, an image is created within us, and we tend to marginalize ourselves, because we feel too exposed and rather be alone than with anyone, be it family or friend.
I admit upfront, that if someone were to ask me how to find Love or even start a relationship with anyone, I am the last person you should ask as I have no clue, but am starting to learn at this time.
And I do believe, that once we allow ourselves to heal, Love, can be found, in the right form, and at the right time, but we must deal with our demons, first, before being able to see Love for what it truly is.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
I imagine some if not most, wonder, if Love, truly exists?
I mean for all we have been through and or some might be going through,
love might seem like a very foreign concept to some, to others, like myself, at one point I associated love with pain.
Others might think Love exists but somehow cannot come our way, because we have been tainted or vilified in some way. And believe me, I was there, many a time, in which I simply thought, I am just not good enough to find love, or be loved, and I would never do much to find out if this thing called love existed or not.
These past 4 years, I have been on the road to healing from all my pain and old and new wounds. You know, If I were to count each heart break, each hurt and each wound inflicted directly or indirectly towards my person, I should truly be dead by now but am very much alive. If you were to look at all your inner wounds and find yourself breathing, that means that somehow within you, an important part of your heart is hidden within.
Love does exist, I am sure of that now, but for those whom have never been abused in any way or form, it is hard for you to see why we either hate, or fear Love in itself, and tend to push you away, or just build a fortress around ourselves, thinking the only way to stay safe, is if Love is kept at some distance from us.
Yet, what was done to me, and you, was not an act of love nor does it represent love in any way, it was simply an act of defilement, in which the person doing what they did was acting upon their own selfish desires, and whom used the word love to make it seem as if what was being done, was indeed normal or not so bad as it might have seemed, yet that is a big, fat lie!
The whole thing about those whom have either been abuses sexually or raped, an image is created within us, and we tend to marginalize ourselves, because we feel too exposed and rather be alone than with anyone, be it family or friend.
I admit upfront, that if someone were to ask me how to find Love or even start a relationship with anyone, I am the last person you should ask as I have no clue, but am starting to learn at this time.
And I do believe, that once we allow ourselves to heal, Love, can be found, in the right form, and at the right time, but we must deal with our demons, first, before being able to see Love for what it truly is.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Count your blessings....
At times, we get so wound up with stress and worrying,
that by the end of each day, instead of looking at what we have,
we tend to view what we lack.
that does not make it any better, nor does it help reduce your stress.
What's more, it simply makes your day end on a bad note, and you
get grumpy with your loved ones, and at times tend to shun people out.
At least I am guilty of doing this often, and once I realize why I am
so down, I start remembering to thank God for the things I do have and not
so much in regards to materials things, more to do with those around you.
The ones that constantly love you and care for you in one way or another and give you a reason to smile or laugh.
Laughter does everyone some good. At times I laugh for no reason, but it feels good and makes me forget about the troubles surrounding my life, and remind me to not take life so lightly.
The best is when you step outside your home, and look at the sky and stare at the clouds, as they pass by, and or stars if by night, and take in nature as it is, in its own pace.
You see the birds working hard to get food for their babies, and insects crawling here and there. EAch flower that comes out of the ground, and the leaves of the tree; if for one minute, you stand still and take it all in, believe me, it helps you feel much better and realize that there is Someone out there taking care of the birds, squirrels, ect,,,and more so taking care of us.
We might not see Him or Feel Him or HEar Him, but He is there.
Take a minute of your day, and go outside, and just take in whatever surroundings might be close to your home.
Peace,
Angel 4 Eternity
that by the end of each day, instead of looking at what we have,
we tend to view what we lack.
that does not make it any better, nor does it help reduce your stress.
What's more, it simply makes your day end on a bad note, and you
get grumpy with your loved ones, and at times tend to shun people out.
At least I am guilty of doing this often, and once I realize why I am
so down, I start remembering to thank God for the things I do have and not
so much in regards to materials things, more to do with those around you.
The ones that constantly love you and care for you in one way or another and give you a reason to smile or laugh.
Laughter does everyone some good. At times I laugh for no reason, but it feels good and makes me forget about the troubles surrounding my life, and remind me to not take life so lightly.
The best is when you step outside your home, and look at the sky and stare at the clouds, as they pass by, and or stars if by night, and take in nature as it is, in its own pace.
You see the birds working hard to get food for their babies, and insects crawling here and there. EAch flower that comes out of the ground, and the leaves of the tree; if for one minute, you stand still and take it all in, believe me, it helps you feel much better and realize that there is Someone out there taking care of the birds, squirrels, ect,,,and more so taking care of us.
We might not see Him or Feel Him or HEar Him, but He is there.
Take a minute of your day, and go outside, and just take in whatever surroundings might be close to your home.
Peace,
Angel 4 Eternity
Friday, April 27, 2012
Solution to problem
Well, after much searching and losing my mind about having to leave this place I have called home for at least two months now and worrying about not finding a place, great news!
I met a guy, who has offered to let me and my daughter stay in the master bedroom in his big and I mean huge house!
And we reached an agreement in order for me to pay him half the price for what he is currently asking for at this time.
We will be moving on the 12th of May to his home....and moving from one county to the next...
All in all I am happy that I have found a place, but am sad of having to leave R's place....
I surely am crazy aren't I ?
Angel 4 Eternity
I met a guy, who has offered to let me and my daughter stay in the master bedroom in his big and I mean huge house!
And we reached an agreement in order for me to pay him half the price for what he is currently asking for at this time.
We will be moving on the 12th of May to his home....and moving from one county to the next...
All in all I am happy that I have found a place, but am sad of having to leave R's place....
I surely am crazy aren't I ?
Angel 4 Eternity
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I have a new blog
That has more to do with my being a mother and my lovely daughter,
if anyone is interested in reading about our interactions and mother-daughter bonding ;)
Angel 4 Eternity
if anyone is interested in reading about our interactions and mother-daughter bonding ;)
Angel 4 Eternity
Learning to forgive.
At times, I wonder, what if I had a second chance to go back and change
certain events, decisions, and or choices, I've made along my road, that had
a negative effect on my life overall. If I did, what would I change?
Is there really a way, in which we can truly exert total control over our mind, soul,
spirit, and body, without losing our minds?
Each hateful thing that has left my mouth, hurtful thing, offensive thing, disgusting thing,
to take it all back, would truly require my life to be exposed to all.
What if our lives were posted on facebook, and everyone could see, all our bad moments verses
the good ones?
Like the time you took a dollar each day from your mom's purse, or the time you sprayed some perfume on
yourself after being told, not to? Yes, these might seem insignificant to some degree, but what about the secrets,
you rarely disclose to anyone, but those you trust, to not divulge any damaging information about yourself?
Isn't it funny, how in the political world, of reigning Kings, Presidents, Ministers, and all whom are regarded as high authority, play each other out by digging your worst hidden secrets, to blackmail you into playing a part in their plan of dominating certain things, that might cause humanity to become more lost. How do we keep our lives, private, if the
FBI, CIA and all these other government agencies, have means of looking up anything they want, by just entering your Social Security Number, or name?
Imagine, your life being an open book, to all you know, how would you stand before your family, and explain, why, you lied about this occasion and that?
Do you think, you could be forgiven for each wrong doing, you have done or even just thought of against any person?
This past weekend, I was let down by those I had deemed close friends, and as a second family to my daughter and I...
yet, when no one showed up for her party, I felt downright mad, and angry, I wanted to scream at them, to bang my fists against something, and in the end, broke down in tears and wondered, where did I go wrong?
It hurt so much, I almost gave in to just leaving the church all together, but in the end, I knew that I sort of jumped into planning this party too fast, and in the end, some people were apologetic, and I cannot harbor anger within my heart, and have decided to forgive every single person, family whom did not show up.
Yet, if my life is an open book, which literally our lives are not hidden from God, and even for those who deny God yet believe in Aliens, ghosts and such, well whatever you believe, you should believe that Someone or Something can see every little thing you do, in hiding and in secret, and even our governments seem to have an eye on us....in the end, if i were to be put on trial, I would not hesitate to list all my wrongdoings and sins, because man judges by what he sees, God judges by what man cannot see, and its what we have within our hearts.
Angel 4 Eternity
certain events, decisions, and or choices, I've made along my road, that had
a negative effect on my life overall. If I did, what would I change?
Is there really a way, in which we can truly exert total control over our mind, soul,
spirit, and body, without losing our minds?
Each hateful thing that has left my mouth, hurtful thing, offensive thing, disgusting thing,
to take it all back, would truly require my life to be exposed to all.
What if our lives were posted on facebook, and everyone could see, all our bad moments verses
the good ones?
Like the time you took a dollar each day from your mom's purse, or the time you sprayed some perfume on
yourself after being told, not to? Yes, these might seem insignificant to some degree, but what about the secrets,
you rarely disclose to anyone, but those you trust, to not divulge any damaging information about yourself?
Isn't it funny, how in the political world, of reigning Kings, Presidents, Ministers, and all whom are regarded as high authority, play each other out by digging your worst hidden secrets, to blackmail you into playing a part in their plan of dominating certain things, that might cause humanity to become more lost. How do we keep our lives, private, if the
FBI, CIA and all these other government agencies, have means of looking up anything they want, by just entering your Social Security Number, or name?
Imagine, your life being an open book, to all you know, how would you stand before your family, and explain, why, you lied about this occasion and that?
Do you think, you could be forgiven for each wrong doing, you have done or even just thought of against any person?
This past weekend, I was let down by those I had deemed close friends, and as a second family to my daughter and I...
yet, when no one showed up for her party, I felt downright mad, and angry, I wanted to scream at them, to bang my fists against something, and in the end, broke down in tears and wondered, where did I go wrong?
It hurt so much, I almost gave in to just leaving the church all together, but in the end, I knew that I sort of jumped into planning this party too fast, and in the end, some people were apologetic, and I cannot harbor anger within my heart, and have decided to forgive every single person, family whom did not show up.
Yet, if my life is an open book, which literally our lives are not hidden from God, and even for those who deny God yet believe in Aliens, ghosts and such, well whatever you believe, you should believe that Someone or Something can see every little thing you do, in hiding and in secret, and even our governments seem to have an eye on us....in the end, if i were to be put on trial, I would not hesitate to list all my wrongdoings and sins, because man judges by what he sees, God judges by what man cannot see, and its what we have within our hearts.
Angel 4 Eternity
Monday, April 23, 2012
When things do not go your way...
Here we were sitting inside the gym, waiting for our guests to arrive;
mainly silence overcame from time to time, which would be interrupted by the occasional voice
of a very frustrated 10 almost 11 yr old girl. " At what time is everyone supposed to come, Mom?";"Where are they?"
To which I would say, " I am not sure, and they were supposed to be by 4:30pm....or 5pmish..." I refused to look into her eyes, in order to not see the pain, that was so visible; what to do, when after inviting those you thought would come out, did not because they had other things to do, or had totally forgotten about the invitation, or simply did not care about it. I did my best to hold myself together. We had plenty of food to feed anyone that came through that door, after an hour and a half later and many requests to just pack everything and go home, my baby girl finally came and told me," At least I have you here, Mom. So lets eat."
We got a piece of cake and drink and sat down. I looked at her, and then like a fountain it all came out. I just broke down and cried and said," I'm sorry baby. I am so sorry." To which my now 11 yr old baby girl, got up and wrapped her arms around me, and held me and said," Its ok Mom, you tried."
Just as she was comforting me, alas, what did I see coming through that door, two people?
Why, yes indeed, my best friend and another friend, both walked in and saw that terrible scene and rushed over to comfort the both of us, and persuaded us to stay a bit longer, so we did.
Today, everyone kept on asking," How was the party?" : I just wanted to yell," Why do you care??? Why do you even care!!!!!"
I punched a friend of mine i his tummy, to vent. I tried figuring out what did I do wrong?
Yet, my daughter at least appreciated my efforts and was just glad that she and i were together for her birthday.
and now to continue looking for a new home.
Angel 4 Eternity
mainly silence overcame from time to time, which would be interrupted by the occasional voice
of a very frustrated 10 almost 11 yr old girl. " At what time is everyone supposed to come, Mom?";"Where are they?"
To which I would say, " I am not sure, and they were supposed to be by 4:30pm....or 5pmish..." I refused to look into her eyes, in order to not see the pain, that was so visible; what to do, when after inviting those you thought would come out, did not because they had other things to do, or had totally forgotten about the invitation, or simply did not care about it. I did my best to hold myself together. We had plenty of food to feed anyone that came through that door, after an hour and a half later and many requests to just pack everything and go home, my baby girl finally came and told me," At least I have you here, Mom. So lets eat."
We got a piece of cake and drink and sat down. I looked at her, and then like a fountain it all came out. I just broke down and cried and said," I'm sorry baby. I am so sorry." To which my now 11 yr old baby girl, got up and wrapped her arms around me, and held me and said," Its ok Mom, you tried."
Just as she was comforting me, alas, what did I see coming through that door, two people?
Why, yes indeed, my best friend and another friend, both walked in and saw that terrible scene and rushed over to comfort the both of us, and persuaded us to stay a bit longer, so we did.
Today, everyone kept on asking," How was the party?" : I just wanted to yell," Why do you care??? Why do you even care!!!!!"
I punched a friend of mine i his tummy, to vent. I tried figuring out what did I do wrong?
Yet, my daughter at least appreciated my efforts and was just glad that she and i were together for her birthday.
and now to continue looking for a new home.
Angel 4 Eternity
Friday, April 20, 2012
Open Invitation
Open Invitation to anyone within the Fairfax County/ City Area in the state of VA that reads this:
Requirement for any whom want to attend:
Bring a dish of food to share with others: Any family dish that kids and adults can
both enjoy!
Nothing else besides a good heart, and willingness to have some fun and
enjoy meeting new people.
Spread this around to those whom would not mind coming to an 11 yr old party....
I wanted this year to be memorable for her and me as its the first time
we are together in 3 years to celebrate her birthday.
So, I humbly ask that anyone whom lives within this church, no matter what religion,
or beliefs you might have, if you have the time please come out, and I will be so grateful.
And yes, this is crazy, but if Jesus Loves us all no matter where we come from, then I am willing to
embrace anyone willing to come out to my daughters party.
God bless you.
Sincerely,
Angel 4 Eternity
As follows:
Has anyone heard that story in the Bible of a rich man inviting his friends to a big party he was throwing for free, with plenty of food and drink, yet none of his friends came?
In the end He sent His Servants to find anyone on the streets, alleys ect...those that were despised and rejected to come and eat in His feast.
Well, I had planned a surprise part for my only child at this time, and I invited key people whom she has come to know ect...in the end, most if not all have politely declined, and only a few or so people have committed to showing up.
My baby girl found out, and is very upset that she told me to go ahead and cancel her party.
I am heartbrokened to say the least but then I decided, even if this might sound or seem crazy what the hec, maybe something good will come out of this:
So, the party is to be at 4:30pm, at the following location:
Jubilee Christian Center in the Gym
4650 Shirley Gate Road Fairfax, VA 22030
(703) 383-1170
He Is- Providential; Accountability: A Hedge of Protection
God isn't mentioned in the book of Esther, but his fingerprints are everywhere. Who but God could give a king insomnia, ensure that the section of the chronicles recording Mordecai's intercession for the king was read and bring to light the evil that Haman had planned? God is providential, coordinating events ahead of time and intervening for his people.
You may not realize God's at work, but he's busy behind the scenes, working in your life. Look for him in the people you meet and the places you go. Your providential God will make things happen for your good and his glory (see Romans 8:28-30).
..............................................
Friend to Friend
A certain expert guide lived in the deserts of Arabia. He was known for his tracking skills and never lost his way. The secret of his success could be found in the fact that he carried with him a homing pigeon with a very fine cord attached to one of its legs. When he had doubts as to which path to take, he threw the bird into the air. The pigeon quickly strained at the cord to fly in the direction of home, leading the guide accurately to his goal. Because of this unique practice, he was known as "the dove man."
We always need connections to those who will point us in the right direction. We will take the wrong path or make a wrong turn and there will be times when we have no idea which way to go or how to get home. We must then turn to God and to those who hold us accountable.
Accountability is often seen as confining, a relationship straight jacket that limits freedom of expression and hinders those who "march to the beat of a different drummer." Actually, the opposite is true. Accountability frees us to grow and change and is an important part of every relationship.
When I married into the Southerland family, I didn't know that tent camping was part of the deal. I might have reconsidered (just kidding). I decided I could learn to camp and maybe even enjoy it! My first trip to Lake Greason in the foothills of the Ozarks was quite an experience. It did not take me long to learn the daily routine. Each morning, Dan's mom would prepare a huge breakfast. The kids then did dishes while mom changed into her swim suit, donned her sun glasses, grabbed a towel and headed for the lake. On the shore, she grabbed an inner tube, positioned her towel in just the right spot over the tube, turned around and sat down. She would then float blissfully for hours.
There was a slight problem with this plan. Lake Greason had a current that carried mom down the lake, around the bend and into the path of ski boats. Several times a day, someone would have to swim after her and pull her back to the safety of the shore, where she would profusely thank them and go right back to floating. Finally, one of the kids came up with a great idea. We grabbed a ski rope, tied one end to mom's inner tube and the other end to a wooden stake driven securely into the ground. She could then float until the rope ran out and someone "reeled her in." What a perfect picture of accountability – giving someone who loves you the permission to "reel you in" when they see you headed in a dangerous direction. When we willingly make ourselves accountable to others, we are creating a hedge of protection that ultimately yields boundaries, parameters or behavioral lines that should not be crossed.
Honestly, most of us have experienced very little accountability in life because at the heart of being accountable to someone is the willingness to be submissive to them. We have abused the concept of submission. It was never intended to be demeaning and does not involve slavery in any form. Submission is protection and an intentional willingness to consider first the desires and wishes of another before our own. God places others in our lives to see things that we cannot see, to encourage and build up, to correct, love and protect, but still, we tend to view accountability as a crutch and submission as a weakness. Submission is harnessed strength, a controlled strength that is born out of obedience to God's command. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His father. He willingly laid down His desires and dreams, His plans and hopes in total submission. Out of that total surrender came the most powerful life ever lived. When we willingly submit ourselves to God and choose to make ourselves accountable to others, we will experience a freedom and power we have never known before.
Let's Pray
Father, I come to You today, submitting myself to You. Thank You for the protection, direction and power that comes from that submission. Forgive me when I have stood silent while someone I loved made dangerous decisions. Give me the courage to confront in love. Give me the wisdom to receive correction and to be accountable to others. Thank You for Your love that never condemns but always stands ready to keep me from making mistakes. And when I do fall, thank You for being there to pick me up and walk with me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Now It's Your Turn
Read Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are wounds of a friend." What does this verse mean to you? How does this verse relate to accountability?
Name two people in your life to whom you are accountable.
Are they willing to tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear?
Are they godly people who will constantly point you to Christ?
Who is accountable to you?
Are you willing to step between that person and the wrong choices?
Can you confront in love for the sole purpose of restoration?
.......................................................
I wanted to share these two devotionals on here. Simply see it as a guide that may help you define your own life and your own beliefs and moral grounds.
As I have said before, I am no one to judge anyone from their past or present. I am just like everyone else, facing constant trials, fighting to survive and make meet ends, to provide for my child, and believe me at time I find myself lost, walking around in circles trying to do all on my own, and going nowhere. My faith is still there but somehow I end up forgetting how to talk to Him, and go my own way.
Each morning as I awake, I wonder, what will this day bring, at times I get so caught up in worry, that I miss seeing the beauty of God's work as the birds arise and sing, leaves rustle against the gentle breeze and the warmth of the sun, tickling your skin; Even seeing a squirrel dart across so daringly, and managing to escape death!
We miss so much going on around us, as we occupy our minds with things that do matter, but blind our eyes, to just stop for one minute and look at our surroundings.
Enjoy each minute and second that you can, acknowledge those around you, and be thankful for each day, you awake in bed, still breathing.
Angel 4 Eternity
You may not realize God's at work, but he's busy behind the scenes, working in your life. Look for him in the people you meet and the places you go. Your providential God will make things happen for your good and his glory (see Romans 8:28-30).
..............................................
April 19, 2012
Accountability: A Hedge of ProtectionMary Southerland
Today's TruthRomans 12:5b "…and each member belongs to all the others."Accountability: A Hedge of ProtectionMary Southerland
Friend to Friend
A certain expert guide lived in the deserts of Arabia. He was known for his tracking skills and never lost his way. The secret of his success could be found in the fact that he carried with him a homing pigeon with a very fine cord attached to one of its legs. When he had doubts as to which path to take, he threw the bird into the air. The pigeon quickly strained at the cord to fly in the direction of home, leading the guide accurately to his goal. Because of this unique practice, he was known as "the dove man."
We always need connections to those who will point us in the right direction. We will take the wrong path or make a wrong turn and there will be times when we have no idea which way to go or how to get home. We must then turn to God and to those who hold us accountable.
Accountability is often seen as confining, a relationship straight jacket that limits freedom of expression and hinders those who "march to the beat of a different drummer." Actually, the opposite is true. Accountability frees us to grow and change and is an important part of every relationship.
When I married into the Southerland family, I didn't know that tent camping was part of the deal. I might have reconsidered (just kidding). I decided I could learn to camp and maybe even enjoy it! My first trip to Lake Greason in the foothills of the Ozarks was quite an experience. It did not take me long to learn the daily routine. Each morning, Dan's mom would prepare a huge breakfast. The kids then did dishes while mom changed into her swim suit, donned her sun glasses, grabbed a towel and headed for the lake. On the shore, she grabbed an inner tube, positioned her towel in just the right spot over the tube, turned around and sat down. She would then float blissfully for hours.
There was a slight problem with this plan. Lake Greason had a current that carried mom down the lake, around the bend and into the path of ski boats. Several times a day, someone would have to swim after her and pull her back to the safety of the shore, where she would profusely thank them and go right back to floating. Finally, one of the kids came up with a great idea. We grabbed a ski rope, tied one end to mom's inner tube and the other end to a wooden stake driven securely into the ground. She could then float until the rope ran out and someone "reeled her in." What a perfect picture of accountability – giving someone who loves you the permission to "reel you in" when they see you headed in a dangerous direction. When we willingly make ourselves accountable to others, we are creating a hedge of protection that ultimately yields boundaries, parameters or behavioral lines that should not be crossed.
Honestly, most of us have experienced very little accountability in life because at the heart of being accountable to someone is the willingness to be submissive to them. We have abused the concept of submission. It was never intended to be demeaning and does not involve slavery in any form. Submission is protection and an intentional willingness to consider first the desires and wishes of another before our own. God places others in our lives to see things that we cannot see, to encourage and build up, to correct, love and protect, but still, we tend to view accountability as a crutch and submission as a weakness. Submission is harnessed strength, a controlled strength that is born out of obedience to God's command. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His father. He willingly laid down His desires and dreams, His plans and hopes in total submission. Out of that total surrender came the most powerful life ever lived. When we willingly submit ourselves to God and choose to make ourselves accountable to others, we will experience a freedom and power we have never known before.
Let's Pray
Father, I come to You today, submitting myself to You. Thank You for the protection, direction and power that comes from that submission. Forgive me when I have stood silent while someone I loved made dangerous decisions. Give me the courage to confront in love. Give me the wisdom to receive correction and to be accountable to others. Thank You for Your love that never condemns but always stands ready to keep me from making mistakes. And when I do fall, thank You for being there to pick me up and walk with me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Now It's Your Turn
Read Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are wounds of a friend." What does this verse mean to you? How does this verse relate to accountability?
Name two people in your life to whom you are accountable.
Are they willing to tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear?
Are they godly people who will constantly point you to Christ?
Who is accountable to you?
Are you willing to step between that person and the wrong choices?
Can you confront in love for the sole purpose of restoration?
.......................................................
I wanted to share these two devotionals on here. Simply see it as a guide that may help you define your own life and your own beliefs and moral grounds.
As I have said before, I am no one to judge anyone from their past or present. I am just like everyone else, facing constant trials, fighting to survive and make meet ends, to provide for my child, and believe me at time I find myself lost, walking around in circles trying to do all on my own, and going nowhere. My faith is still there but somehow I end up forgetting how to talk to Him, and go my own way.
Each morning as I awake, I wonder, what will this day bring, at times I get so caught up in worry, that I miss seeing the beauty of God's work as the birds arise and sing, leaves rustle against the gentle breeze and the warmth of the sun, tickling your skin; Even seeing a squirrel dart across so daringly, and managing to escape death!
We miss so much going on around us, as we occupy our minds with things that do matter, but blind our eyes, to just stop for one minute and look at our surroundings.
Enjoy each minute and second that you can, acknowledge those around you, and be thankful for each day, you awake in bed, still breathing.
Angel 4 Eternity
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Surprise Party!
My baby girl is turning 11 yrs old this coming monday!!!!
I cannot believe just how much time has gone by since that day, in which,
she came into this world, as a tiny, pink, reddish, skin colored baby, with no clue of what life would be like for her.
She hates it when I get all teary eyed retelling her how the first thing I saw of her was her cute, roundish, pink butt cheeks and a bruise right above!
She has threatened to do something if I share this with any of her boyfriends! Hah! Well, the doctor pretty much grabbed her around her midwaist and lifted her up, and all I could see were those, cute, pinkish butt cheeks, and I wanted to bend over and pinch each one! But also in the back of my mind I remember saying," how in the world did this big baby come out of my body, let alone live in it for 9 whole months!"
Then when she was streched out, I could not believe how long she was, and every little thing was perfect!
Not that her birth was exciting or anything special for anyone else, except God and myself.
From the first time I held her to breastfeeding her, that was scary in itself! Yet, all in all, her birth came at a time in which my life was just plain dull, and lacking any type of hope.
But one look into her deep, brown eyes, I knew that I could never live without her, less, leave her be, and this love was birthed in my heart, that overcame me, I never knew anyone could have so much love to give to such a little babe.
And to say," She is mine..." is just an honor I do not deserve.
Yes, I had her in me for 9 months, but God placed her there, and saw her as she grew and matured before coming out.
She saved my life. and now she is talking about boys, and sex and marriage!
I love her so much, yet I know that I cannot fully keep her from the evil abounding in this world. But I can prepare her for the horrors she will hear about or see in her own life time.
I want her to be an independent young woman, who is bold and courageous to stand up to her adversaries when they come, to not let any storm hold her back, nor let any man rob her of her innocence less break her hurt and self esteem.
That she may be able to comfort, and help those in need, and that she may show compassion and love without expecting anything in return.
I hope to accomplish this before my time comes. That she may grow and become a part of society, in which she is neither full of herself less, denies herself. but that she can contribute her qualities, and skills in helping those that are lost within this world.
Happy birthday baby girl!
Angel 4 Eternity
I cannot believe just how much time has gone by since that day, in which,
she came into this world, as a tiny, pink, reddish, skin colored baby, with no clue of what life would be like for her.
She hates it when I get all teary eyed retelling her how the first thing I saw of her was her cute, roundish, pink butt cheeks and a bruise right above!
She has threatened to do something if I share this with any of her boyfriends! Hah! Well, the doctor pretty much grabbed her around her midwaist and lifted her up, and all I could see were those, cute, pinkish butt cheeks, and I wanted to bend over and pinch each one! But also in the back of my mind I remember saying," how in the world did this big baby come out of my body, let alone live in it for 9 whole months!"
Then when she was streched out, I could not believe how long she was, and every little thing was perfect!
Not that her birth was exciting or anything special for anyone else, except God and myself.
From the first time I held her to breastfeeding her, that was scary in itself! Yet, all in all, her birth came at a time in which my life was just plain dull, and lacking any type of hope.
But one look into her deep, brown eyes, I knew that I could never live without her, less, leave her be, and this love was birthed in my heart, that overcame me, I never knew anyone could have so much love to give to such a little babe.
And to say," She is mine..." is just an honor I do not deserve.
Yes, I had her in me for 9 months, but God placed her there, and saw her as she grew and matured before coming out.
She saved my life. and now she is talking about boys, and sex and marriage!
I love her so much, yet I know that I cannot fully keep her from the evil abounding in this world. But I can prepare her for the horrors she will hear about or see in her own life time.
I want her to be an independent young woman, who is bold and courageous to stand up to her adversaries when they come, to not let any storm hold her back, nor let any man rob her of her innocence less break her hurt and self esteem.
That she may be able to comfort, and help those in need, and that she may show compassion and love without expecting anything in return.
I hope to accomplish this before my time comes. That she may grow and become a part of society, in which she is neither full of herself less, denies herself. but that she can contribute her qualities, and skills in helping those that are lost within this world.
Happy birthday baby girl!
Angel 4 Eternity
Proud of You....
Do you remember the very first time your mom or dad ever uttered those words to you?
How did it make you feel? What emotion came first to mind? Did they ever repeat that phrase throughout your lifetime?
I rarely heard it, most of my childhood years and rest of my life... Eventually those that would tell me were either my teachers, or relatives. Yet, even then, I would never believe them less would I care about what they would say about me.
All my life, my heart ached for the lack of parental love and affection I did not receive at home and I yearned to be the daughter they had always wished for.
I lost faith in them, and myself, and gave up, in hoping that a day would come in which at least one of my parents would utter that phrase to me.
So, when my mom pulled me aside the other day, and told me upfront, how proud she was of my accomplishments ect... I was in total disabelief, yet at the same time, in spite of what my heart had yearned for, all these years, I really did not react much besides thanking her and just being amazed by what God had done.
And also when she commented on this the second time around, I felt as if I had known all along that I was able to do more, and even if she and my dad had never been proud of me, I knew that GOd had always believed in me, and that is more important and valuable to me at this time.
When they gave up on me, He picked me up, when they left me for dead, He brought me back to life, and now, even in the midst of this new storm arising, I know, that God has not abandoned me, and He is slowly taking me out of living a life of contempment and into a life in which I need to realize, that I might never own my own house, yet that does not mean He will let my child and I live without refuge, but that as long as I trust in HIm, He will continue to provide me with a new place to move to.
So far I have gotten one reply back and am expecing to get at least one more reply back by tomorrow in regards to moving into a new place.
I pray it be a place just as good as this last one or even better!
I have been crying and depressed but in the end I am thankful for being alive and that my daughter is recovering as well.
And having her is worth more than having the best car, best home or any other thing, even money!
Angel 4 Eternity
How did it make you feel? What emotion came first to mind? Did they ever repeat that phrase throughout your lifetime?
I rarely heard it, most of my childhood years and rest of my life... Eventually those that would tell me were either my teachers, or relatives. Yet, even then, I would never believe them less would I care about what they would say about me.
All my life, my heart ached for the lack of parental love and affection I did not receive at home and I yearned to be the daughter they had always wished for.
I lost faith in them, and myself, and gave up, in hoping that a day would come in which at least one of my parents would utter that phrase to me.
So, when my mom pulled me aside the other day, and told me upfront, how proud she was of my accomplishments ect... I was in total disabelief, yet at the same time, in spite of what my heart had yearned for, all these years, I really did not react much besides thanking her and just being amazed by what God had done.
And also when she commented on this the second time around, I felt as if I had known all along that I was able to do more, and even if she and my dad had never been proud of me, I knew that GOd had always believed in me, and that is more important and valuable to me at this time.
When they gave up on me, He picked me up, when they left me for dead, He brought me back to life, and now, even in the midst of this new storm arising, I know, that God has not abandoned me, and He is slowly taking me out of living a life of contempment and into a life in which I need to realize, that I might never own my own house, yet that does not mean He will let my child and I live without refuge, but that as long as I trust in HIm, He will continue to provide me with a new place to move to.
So far I have gotten one reply back and am expecing to get at least one more reply back by tomorrow in regards to moving into a new place.
I pray it be a place just as good as this last one or even better!
I have been crying and depressed but in the end I am thankful for being alive and that my daughter is recovering as well.
And having her is worth more than having the best car, best home or any other thing, even money!
Angel 4 Eternity
Help: House Hunting
So, at this time I am in need of a new place to move to that will accept both my daughter and myself.
I can commit to paying from $400-600 dollars in rent, every two weeks, around the time I get paid, meaning, the total amount divided in half. My most ideal payment would be no more than $525 per month.
I need a large room and if possible own bathroom to use. Within my living area which currently is between, 20120 and 20170.
So, far the cheapest places out there are way too far from my job.
Ok, well, I will continue to search and look, and God will somehow provide in the end, as always.
If only, I was getting married, or married....sigh...but maybe being married would not help out really....sigh..
Patience. I need to be patient. Its not easy.
Just needed to vent a bit.
Angel 4 Eternity
I can commit to paying from $400-600 dollars in rent, every two weeks, around the time I get paid, meaning, the total amount divided in half. My most ideal payment would be no more than $525 per month.
I need a large room and if possible own bathroom to use. Within my living area which currently is between, 20120 and 20170.
So, far the cheapest places out there are way too far from my job.
Ok, well, I will continue to search and look, and God will somehow provide in the end, as always.
If only, I was getting married, or married....sigh...but maybe being married would not help out really....sigh..
Patience. I need to be patient. Its not easy.
Just needed to vent a bit.
Angel 4 Eternity
Falling out of Love?
Is there such a thing, as,"Falling out of Love?"
I think there is. I suppose this can be applied to any type of relationship, not just merely a romantic one.
Parents, overall, love their children and so forth. Siblings, depending on age difference love each other alot, or not so much. Friends, relatives and girlfriend and boyfriends, have these falling in and out of love.
I have fallen out of love, many times in my life. More so within my adopted family. Yet, I have noticed, that even when this happens, someone else comes in and starts pouring love into your life. Its up to you if you want it or not. Well, with my current trials and tribulations, I have not fallen out of love with Jesus, but I have withdrawn from His light, by dwelling more on materialistic things that will eventually have no value once I die. And hence, instead of living my life in full, I am holding myself back.
Why? Because I have allowed fear to take over my heart. I mean, I am sure each and every one of you has some type of fear in your life too, right? I am afraid of the following:
Not being a good mother
Not being a good wife
Not being the best example my children can have
Failing everyone I love
Failing myself
Rejection
Never being good enough
Yet, God keeps on drawing me out and contradicts all these fears with His Truth and His Word.
I am far from being a pastor, less missionary, yet my walk in christianity is not solely based on my going to church every sunday or doing good deeds. Its more to do with building my relationship with Christ, and learning to live by faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself constantly, that even when things seem to be going bad, He is with me, each step of the way.
Believe me, I could list so many reasons of why I would not believe in God or any Supreme Being...yet, in the end, I have found so much more in Him, than anything or anyone here on earth.
As men and women, we are meant to need each other to a certain degree, to fill in that gap, of wanting companionship, love, understanding, support, encouragement, ect...And not so much does it have to be a husband or wife, but just about anyone, a parent, relative, sibling and friends. We all have our little support group, and friends we hang out with. We all want to be accepted as we are and not judged. Sadly, there are those whom, either place themselves higher than their counterparts, and want nothing to do with those considered scum or low life people, and then there are those, whom have been hurt too much, and prefer being alone, thinking that is the only way, they will never get hurt.
Jesus, loves us all, no matter what we have done or not done, how we act, and what are thoughts of life are in general. Believe in whatever you believe in, isn't it sad, that at this time, there are still many divisions in a society that is supposedly more adept to survive in these times?
Doesn't it feel good, when a complete stranger, gives you a hand in some way? I believe Angels exist. Some might believe in ghosts or Spirits of the dead living here still.
And then there are those who choose to not believe in anything except themselves.
What makes you a better person? What does a man or woman have to do or have to be considered a desirable person?
I am tired of falling out of love and want to fall in love, over and over again.
Angel 4 Eternity
I think there is. I suppose this can be applied to any type of relationship, not just merely a romantic one.
Parents, overall, love their children and so forth. Siblings, depending on age difference love each other alot, or not so much. Friends, relatives and girlfriend and boyfriends, have these falling in and out of love.
I have fallen out of love, many times in my life. More so within my adopted family. Yet, I have noticed, that even when this happens, someone else comes in and starts pouring love into your life. Its up to you if you want it or not. Well, with my current trials and tribulations, I have not fallen out of love with Jesus, but I have withdrawn from His light, by dwelling more on materialistic things that will eventually have no value once I die. And hence, instead of living my life in full, I am holding myself back.
Why? Because I have allowed fear to take over my heart. I mean, I am sure each and every one of you has some type of fear in your life too, right? I am afraid of the following:
Not being a good mother
Not being a good wife
Not being the best example my children can have
Failing everyone I love
Failing myself
Rejection
Never being good enough
Yet, God keeps on drawing me out and contradicts all these fears with His Truth and His Word.
I am far from being a pastor, less missionary, yet my walk in christianity is not solely based on my going to church every sunday or doing good deeds. Its more to do with building my relationship with Christ, and learning to live by faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself constantly, that even when things seem to be going bad, He is with me, each step of the way.
Believe me, I could list so many reasons of why I would not believe in God or any Supreme Being...yet, in the end, I have found so much more in Him, than anything or anyone here on earth.
As men and women, we are meant to need each other to a certain degree, to fill in that gap, of wanting companionship, love, understanding, support, encouragement, ect...And not so much does it have to be a husband or wife, but just about anyone, a parent, relative, sibling and friends. We all have our little support group, and friends we hang out with. We all want to be accepted as we are and not judged. Sadly, there are those whom, either place themselves higher than their counterparts, and want nothing to do with those considered scum or low life people, and then there are those, whom have been hurt too much, and prefer being alone, thinking that is the only way, they will never get hurt.
Jesus, loves us all, no matter what we have done or not done, how we act, and what are thoughts of life are in general. Believe in whatever you believe in, isn't it sad, that at this time, there are still many divisions in a society that is supposedly more adept to survive in these times?
Doesn't it feel good, when a complete stranger, gives you a hand in some way? I believe Angels exist. Some might believe in ghosts or Spirits of the dead living here still.
And then there are those who choose to not believe in anything except themselves.
What makes you a better person? What does a man or woman have to do or have to be considered a desirable person?
I am tired of falling out of love and want to fall in love, over and over again.
Angel 4 Eternity
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Faith in the Unseen
I should be relieved and at peace today, yet I find myself,
fending off more negative thoughts and feelings, due to the fact,
that first my daughter got a staph infection on her right foot, and luckily has not
contracted a more severe form of MRSA.
Secondly, my landlord, informed me that I have 60 days to find a new home and move out by the 15th of June of this year.
Thirdly, I got my tax extension accepted, and now and trying to get some documentation needed to finish filing my tax report for federal taxes.
So, yes I am happy my daughter has not gotten worse and is getting better, that I was able to get the extension accepted and that we still have a place to call, " home".
Yet, one more thing, is I have committed to throwing her a surprise party and I feel as if I am not up to going through with it, but I will do it in the end.
Now, in all this, you might be wondering, well, how come, you say you believe in God, yet here you are complaining like anyone else would be, in a situation like this?
God is here with me, and I still believe in Him, yet, at times, He allows my stubborn self, to vent out my frustrations, fears, and failures, and once I am done doing all this, He patiently awaits for me to just turn to Him and plead my case to Him.
I am still as human as any one of you out there. I still have my flaws and commit sins, that I know are wrong, yet I still choose to do.
Yet, all in all, what has kept me going is my faith in the unseen. Yes, I have cried many tears this week, and yes, I feel trapped, yet in the end, I know that once I allow Him to come near me, and open my heart to Him once more, He will hold me and comfort me, and whisper encouraging words to me, and guide me by His hand.
At times, we can become frustrated when things do not go our way, or even when prayers seem to never be answered on time. Yet, I have learned that He will answer in His timing not mine, and in the end, His timing is always perfect, verses our own timing.
I have been crushed many times, by my own foolishness, and in spite of this, He has never stopped loving me less helping me.
Crazy, right? Well, this is just one human beings beliefs and moral standards. I am no better than a criminal, murderer, less any human being that is despised by our society.
Its just my faith that keeps me going.
Angel 4 Eternity
fending off more negative thoughts and feelings, due to the fact,
that first my daughter got a staph infection on her right foot, and luckily has not
contracted a more severe form of MRSA.
Secondly, my landlord, informed me that I have 60 days to find a new home and move out by the 15th of June of this year.
Thirdly, I got my tax extension accepted, and now and trying to get some documentation needed to finish filing my tax report for federal taxes.
So, yes I am happy my daughter has not gotten worse and is getting better, that I was able to get the extension accepted and that we still have a place to call, " home".
Yet, one more thing, is I have committed to throwing her a surprise party and I feel as if I am not up to going through with it, but I will do it in the end.
Now, in all this, you might be wondering, well, how come, you say you believe in God, yet here you are complaining like anyone else would be, in a situation like this?
God is here with me, and I still believe in Him, yet, at times, He allows my stubborn self, to vent out my frustrations, fears, and failures, and once I am done doing all this, He patiently awaits for me to just turn to Him and plead my case to Him.
I am still as human as any one of you out there. I still have my flaws and commit sins, that I know are wrong, yet I still choose to do.
Yet, all in all, what has kept me going is my faith in the unseen. Yes, I have cried many tears this week, and yes, I feel trapped, yet in the end, I know that once I allow Him to come near me, and open my heart to Him once more, He will hold me and comfort me, and whisper encouraging words to me, and guide me by His hand.
At times, we can become frustrated when things do not go our way, or even when prayers seem to never be answered on time. Yet, I have learned that He will answer in His timing not mine, and in the end, His timing is always perfect, verses our own timing.
I have been crushed many times, by my own foolishness, and in spite of this, He has never stopped loving me less helping me.
Crazy, right? Well, this is just one human beings beliefs and moral standards. I am no better than a criminal, murderer, less any human being that is despised by our society.
Its just my faith that keeps me going.
Angel 4 Eternity
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Stuff
Its been a crazy weekend, full of anxiety, anger, frustration, guilt, and worry.
I know, sounds like some type of tornado of negative feelings.
Last week, my baby girl was pushed down by a 2nd grader in school, and she ended spraining her Achilles Tendon, on her right foot. But that is not all she had hurt, it seems a few weeks back, she somehow cut her foot and the cut somehow got a staph infection, or what is called," cellulitis toe."
There was lots or is lots of pus coming out of a tiny hole in one of her toes, and this had been causing her alot pain and discomfort.
She is on antibiotics now, for 10 days. The worst part is washing her affected foot. I do not mind blood, but I cannot stand infections. So each time, I have to try and hold my stomach together.
And on top of this, taxes had to be filed by today, and I ended asking for an extension, and Thank God I was accepted to receive this extension.
Other than that, I was informed by," R", that me and the other guy renting rooms in his home, have to get out by the 15th of June, of this year, due to his family coming from India, and his mom is planning on staying a while. So, I am devasted, and hurt, and deep within my heart, I know that God has His hand in all this, I am to learn something, or He simply is taking me from this place to a better place.
But I will confess, that I am afraid, and I feel lost. In the end, I have the choice to trust Him to provide a new home, for me and my child to move to.
Its not so easy, believe me, but I will do my best to do so.
I have been having more weird dreams....but another day I will talk more about those.
Ok, Night!
Angel 4 Eternity
I know, sounds like some type of tornado of negative feelings.
Last week, my baby girl was pushed down by a 2nd grader in school, and she ended spraining her Achilles Tendon, on her right foot. But that is not all she had hurt, it seems a few weeks back, she somehow cut her foot and the cut somehow got a staph infection, or what is called," cellulitis toe."
There was lots or is lots of pus coming out of a tiny hole in one of her toes, and this had been causing her alot pain and discomfort.
She is on antibiotics now, for 10 days. The worst part is washing her affected foot. I do not mind blood, but I cannot stand infections. So each time, I have to try and hold my stomach together.
And on top of this, taxes had to be filed by today, and I ended asking for an extension, and Thank God I was accepted to receive this extension.
Other than that, I was informed by," R", that me and the other guy renting rooms in his home, have to get out by the 15th of June, of this year, due to his family coming from India, and his mom is planning on staying a while. So, I am devasted, and hurt, and deep within my heart, I know that God has His hand in all this, I am to learn something, or He simply is taking me from this place to a better place.
But I will confess, that I am afraid, and I feel lost. In the end, I have the choice to trust Him to provide a new home, for me and my child to move to.
Its not so easy, believe me, but I will do my best to do so.
I have been having more weird dreams....but another day I will talk more about those.
Ok, Night!
Angel 4 Eternity
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Indeed a turnaround!
Just when I thought things were going to become worse, between my mom and myself, things seemed to take a big turnaround in which I found myself in the spotlight!
So, after not being able to locate my mom at the airport, feeling frustrated and angry; lets just say that the next day, I awoke, with a major migraine, tired and feeling very depressed. I went to work as usual, but was not able to concentrate well and ended getting off early.
Got home and rested a bit before going grocery shopping and then to pick my mom up. Well, we said hi, and started talking. Once she was ready to go, we left and picked Andy up, and went to the dollar store as I needed a few more things, before heading home.
She was impressed with R's home, and loved it! Slowly, I let her in on the fact that the sole owner, being male, lived in the house, and that he was indeed a gentleman.
She met him and was very happy to do so. We took her to the bus stop, in which she was boarding a bus to go visit my brother. Well, just as we were saying goodbye, she grabbed me and held me close to her, and said, " Maria, I am proud at how much you have changed and matured, and taken your role as a mother as any mother would. You have come a long, way, and I must say that I am very impressed at how you have managed on your own," I just looked at her, as if I knew all along this day would come, and just smiled at her, and oh the joy and peace that filled my heart, was overwhelming!
And in the end, I did not cry, at all, cause I believe I have shed many tears, in this life time, and I just accepted what she said as true, and said thank you and deep within I thanked God for doing His part in allowing her to see me as a new person.
I am so happy and just full of joy and peace at this time, and I cannot believe this has taken place, oh I am sure more is to come soon.
Enjoy your weekend!
Angel4Eternity
So, after not being able to locate my mom at the airport, feeling frustrated and angry; lets just say that the next day, I awoke, with a major migraine, tired and feeling very depressed. I went to work as usual, but was not able to concentrate well and ended getting off early.
Got home and rested a bit before going grocery shopping and then to pick my mom up. Well, we said hi, and started talking. Once she was ready to go, we left and picked Andy up, and went to the dollar store as I needed a few more things, before heading home.
She was impressed with R's home, and loved it! Slowly, I let her in on the fact that the sole owner, being male, lived in the house, and that he was indeed a gentleman.
She met him and was very happy to do so. We took her to the bus stop, in which she was boarding a bus to go visit my brother. Well, just as we were saying goodbye, she grabbed me and held me close to her, and said, " Maria, I am proud at how much you have changed and matured, and taken your role as a mother as any mother would. You have come a long, way, and I must say that I am very impressed at how you have managed on your own," I just looked at her, as if I knew all along this day would come, and just smiled at her, and oh the joy and peace that filled my heart, was overwhelming!
And in the end, I did not cry, at all, cause I believe I have shed many tears, in this life time, and I just accepted what she said as true, and said thank you and deep within I thanked God for doing His part in allowing her to see me as a new person.
I am so happy and just full of joy and peace at this time, and I cannot believe this has taken place, oh I am sure more is to come soon.
Enjoy your weekend!
Angel4Eternity
Friday, April 13, 2012
Total Disaster!!!
Went to get my mom last night from the airport, since she is not a legal citizen, just a legal resident,she has to go by customs, and that takes between 15 to 25 minutes, so I left 15 minutes after her plane landed in hopes to get her all done and ready to go. I circled around for an hour and did not see her at all, in the end, I was frustrated and tired, as it was late, and headed on home, and then today my dearly father wrote a very loving email stating I never picked her up and that God was with her, He emphasized the word God alot...
Am tired and dead beat today....
Angel 4 Eternity
Am tired and dead beat today....
Angel 4 Eternity
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Misery verses Joy
Oh how it hurts, this turmoil, that comes and goes;
What is this, that has come upon me?
Is it a visit of part of sins?
What dealings have I done, with God or the Devil himself?
Oh, how I wish to be done with it all.
Yet, either I die or live.
What must I do, to overcome this darkness,
I have failed so many in so many ways...
Even if I were to find love on this earth,
Oh what a waste it will be if in the end,
I end my misery.
But what Joy can come out of all this?
I do not know, maybe you do?
I know I must learn, to trust and to love,
yet, once my heart goes, I am at it again.
Oh, this misery has overtaken me, and I am drowning yet again!
No one else is to blame, only myself and my little brain.
For who has not warned me about doing things on time,
or improving.
Now my life has placed others lives in peril.....to some extent, but not too much either.
I want to ask for help, yet at times I feel I ask too much of it.
I need to do this or not at all.
If only i could have the joy and peace needed to overcome this new trial.
So be it, so my faith may not die along with my heart.
What is this, that has come upon me?
Is it a visit of part of sins?
What dealings have I done, with God or the Devil himself?
Oh, how I wish to be done with it all.
Yet, either I die or live.
What must I do, to overcome this darkness,
I have failed so many in so many ways...
Even if I were to find love on this earth,
Oh what a waste it will be if in the end,
I end my misery.
But what Joy can come out of all this?
I do not know, maybe you do?
I know I must learn, to trust and to love,
yet, once my heart goes, I am at it again.
Oh, this misery has overtaken me, and I am drowning yet again!
No one else is to blame, only myself and my little brain.
For who has not warned me about doing things on time,
or improving.
Now my life has placed others lives in peril.....to some extent, but not too much either.
I want to ask for help, yet at times I feel I ask too much of it.
I need to do this or not at all.
If only i could have the joy and peace needed to overcome this new trial.
So be it, so my faith may not die along with my heart.
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