Who said, I cannot get angry, mad or upset? Who can tell me in my face, that I am not allowed to feel or have any type of negative emotion? WEll, guess, what ?
I am just as every other human being in this world, and its no different that my life, be full of highs and lows, and at this time I am in between. It seems, that I have to start accepting several things, that up to now, I have not been able to do, and or deny. Yet, in the end, its either that or I end up groping around blindly, looking for other ways to not face the truth, but I cannot escape the truth!
This past Monday, a friend had invited another friend of mine to a church event, somewhat close by to my new home. Now, what was not told, or foreseen, was that this event was more directed towards latin people. Now, yes, I am latin myself, wether I like it or not is besides the point! I was conceived and born in El Salvador, yet I came to the states legally. And in the end, I cannot say, I know how hard it is to become a US citizen, since I grew up here and all that, yet, in the end, what I hate about my roots, is the fact that any person sees me on the street, a shopping center, or grocery store, and will assume, that I am just like the rest of Illegals invading and coming to this country, for a better life? And the funny thing, is when I have people come up to me, and start talking in some broken spanish english mixture. I just laugh, in their faces, cause, its ridiculous that I am judged by the color of my skin and or general appearance. Then, once I start talking, they do a double take, or even jump in surprise and look at me, as if I were some alien, type person, haha!
Yes, I know english, I can read, write, and speak and have full understanding of it! Then, to see them turn pink, red, purple and blue, just makes my day....But I get frustrated, and I am more americanized than who knows what. Anyway, this event was directed towards those whom have come seeking a better life, and all that, and in the end, I will never forget one thing my mom always told us," Never go to any latin event, at any church, cause you will not be able to get any food!"
Well, we were informed that food was going to be served from 12 noon-3pm...After getting lost ect..we made it there before 2pm...Got that before 2pm!!!!
So, once my daugas hter and I saw them, we were like,:" oh no!", and as we were waiting for my friend this red car pulled up and three latin guys were ogling at the both of us, as if they have never seen a woman and her child before!!! I got so pissed, I almost ran and kicked their car! So they pull up, and this guy gets out and hands me a card, and was talking but I ignored him and made damn sure he did not look or touch my kid! I gave him the stare and he ran to the car, and as they pulled away I got the stupid card, and ripped it in front of their faces!!!
Yeah, I was mad as hell! I wanted to make them scream in pain and bleed ....I know, that is not what someone like myself should say or think, but hey, I am allowed to do so, yet, in the end, I did not go through with my thoughts. Even then, I prayed and asked God to forgive my actions, and my thoughts and words, and I cooled down later on....In the end, as we got to the tables, we could see people eating and no food! All they had was a plate of sushi!!!!
I have never been to any church event in which they run out food! I was like really!!!
I was more mad at the people there than anything else. but not my friend, mind you she was innocent of all this, I love her to death, and I am not mad at her at all, she had no idea, what we were walking into, so I am not holding her to blame in all this.
I am mad at myself for not asking more questions. and am just mad at those three jerks that almost made me do something stupid!!!!!
Btw, God has gotten mad before and even now, so, just saying.
Ok, well peace out!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Screw up!
Have you ever done something, that afterwards, gets you thinking,
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
"What in the world was I thinking or doing?"
Well, I will not get into too much details, and just say that, as a buddy of mine has told
me repeatedly, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in regards to my trying to build up one.
And, funny thing, is that, its very true, and I just did something a few weeks back, in which the outcome could have been a big nasty, negative outcome, or at least I thought.
To my surprise and shock, the outcome, was not as bad, as expected and it even left room for me to hope, even a tad bit, that, finally, I have found one single man, whom has
shown some interest in getting to know me more, than he already does, and under the circumstances, he and I met, ended putting the both of us, under his home....I was his tenant, if it had not been for that proximity, we were sort of put under, without either really, expecting anything to come out of it; well, turns out, more came out of it, mainly from my end, yet he has said, he is willing to give me a chance, he has given no one else, because what he already knows about me, and has seen of my character and person, has caught him off guard and he likes it.
Now, my screwup came sort of after a conversation we held about where he stands, andwhere I stand, and what to look forward to or not, in which he opened up a tad bit more, in sharing the pain he has harbored in his heart, after his own divorce. I just wish, I could open his heart and rid him of all pain and hurt, but that is impossible for me to do, but something God can do.
So, in the end, a few weeks after I came out of my box, i started second guessing my intentions and my words towards him and my insecurities popped up and i started sounding more like a whining, baby, and I started allowing all that negative stuff come out of me, and I ended nagging him and crying to him in an indirect way, which he ignored, and then hence his approach, made me think he was mad and upset at me, but how can a man become upset, when a woman, has given him encouraging words and possitve compliments of his own person, in order to help him see, just how valuable he is, in spite of his own screwups?
Yet, as my buddy said, " I get hung up on my emotions too fast..."
I wonder if my buddy, can truly see the condition of my heart...anyways...I am unsure how to proceed and only hope that when I see him this week, I do not end up screwing up some more.....ugh....
Monday, May 14, 2012
Learning about Forgiveness
Good day to all:
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
I do not have internet access at my new home at this time and have been unable to post as much as I would like.
Today, I would like to talk about forgiveness. As a mother of a pre teen child, believe me, I am already awed by how much a mother is able to forgive her child/children, and at the same time wonder, why we as kids and even grown adults tend to do or say things that will only cause our mother's hurt and pain.
Yet, the act of forgiving ones offenses, takes alot of gut. You know how there are times, you end up saying something that ends up hurting someone you love or care about, and you immediately go and apologize to them? What about the times, you do or say something to someone whom you dislike, or feel that they have offended you in the past? I confess, having done so, up to this day, and admit to feeling good to a certain point before guilt starts settling into my heart, and I feel convicted of my wrong doing.
I am not sure how I am viewed by those closest to me, but I do have one friend, whom I love dearly, and hold in high standards, and I know that just as I am as much prone to making mistakes and or saying or doing crazy things or hurtful things, I cannot expect her to live a perfect, holier life than I, nor do I think she would expect the same from me.
Some offenses, are easier to forget and let go of, but what about those wounds, we all have had inflicted at different periods of our lifetime, that have left a deep, gashing wound, whom no one else but you see and feel, besides God of course.
I admit, that I am still struggling with forgiving certain things my adopted father has done, or said about me, to others, or to my adopted mother, yet overall, the hatred and bitterness I had in my heart at one point has diminished in ways, I could not have conceived of ever doing. Yet, there are still some sour spots, in which, I even challenge God in saying," how am I supposed to forgive him this offense or this and this?" I am not You! I am just a mere, human being, with many faults and defects, yet You still are telling me to forive and let go! How can this be!
Believe me, I have had some interesting arguments with God about injustices, and overall things that I have had difficulty in letting go of. But in the end, I owe it to myself, a chance to live, free of all shame, guilt and fear. I cannot and do not want my past to continue holding me back, into becoming the woman I am meant to be, the mother I am meant to be, the future wife I will be some day ( hopefully), and I have come so far in these past 4 years, and even now as my daughter and I have our daily arguments about boys, sex, and relationships, I still am striving to make sure, she can be knowledgeable enough to make the right decisions on her own, whenever she cannot rely on me to give her any answer to some question that might come up.
My main issue in letting go has been towards my adopted father, whom in the end, I still love in some way, but he and I are never going to have that daughter father relationship most have.
Yet I am willing to work on forgiving every little things, in order to get my life together and face whatever comes my way, with a resilience to fight the good fight, and never give up!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Its Official: Moved in to New Home
As of yesterday, my daughter and I have settled into our new home!
I am pretty tired and beat up, after helping carry heavy furniture up a flight of stairs, ect..but all in all, the results of all this, has been more than I have ever dreamed of!
From all the times I have had to move from place to place, this last move has been the hardest of all. Why, you may ask, well, first off, its more to do with the fact that I ended falling for," R", in a way, I did not expect, and in the end the outcome of that, did not play as I would have wanted to some extent, yet, there is some hope in the near future, of him and I trying to see more of each other, now that I am no longer living within his home.
I could not say goodbye, so I ended, saying farewell via email. Now since "R", has had a painful and nasty divorce, his demeanor, is that of someone not worthy of anything or anyone, and in the end, as I told him, whom am I to judge him. I never asked what happened, nor why; I decided its best to leave that as it was, and made sure he never felt as if I were judging him in any way. To say the least my email was full of compliments, men, need to hear, and receive, and I did so, that he could see that no matter how broken his own heart has pulled him down, he still has so much to give of himself.
So, I cried, and was upset and crabby the last few days, knowing the day was near, and in the end, I am glad he was not in a rush to getting rid of my child and me, and let me sleep in, as he knew I was dead tired. I will never forget all he did for me, and maybe other things he never thought I would notice, I did. He is a great man full of many flaws as any other human being.
My daughter is happy that we moved out, cause she said I was driving her crazy and acting like a teenager in love. So, even if its true, would this be Love? Who knows, maybe yes, or maybe not.
In the end, now to move onwards in regards to our new home. The major changes are as follows:
Two large living rooms, dining room, basement is huge and empty. An office downstairs, along with guest bathroom. Garage is for two vehicles. Large, massive backyard. and a good neighborhood.
My daughter, once I have her changed from her current school, will be taking the bus to and from school. Now, its up to me to make friends with a stay at home mom next door, and see if she is willing to help me out with letting Andy stay with her before and after school, as it will be taking me at least an hour to get home.
Traffic is heavy in this area, mainly the afternoon. I am still a bit tired, but am hopeful, to seeing more of "R", in the near future.
Ok, well, that is all for now.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
I am pretty tired and beat up, after helping carry heavy furniture up a flight of stairs, ect..but all in all, the results of all this, has been more than I have ever dreamed of!
From all the times I have had to move from place to place, this last move has been the hardest of all. Why, you may ask, well, first off, its more to do with the fact that I ended falling for," R", in a way, I did not expect, and in the end the outcome of that, did not play as I would have wanted to some extent, yet, there is some hope in the near future, of him and I trying to see more of each other, now that I am no longer living within his home.
I could not say goodbye, so I ended, saying farewell via email. Now since "R", has had a painful and nasty divorce, his demeanor, is that of someone not worthy of anything or anyone, and in the end, as I told him, whom am I to judge him. I never asked what happened, nor why; I decided its best to leave that as it was, and made sure he never felt as if I were judging him in any way. To say the least my email was full of compliments, men, need to hear, and receive, and I did so, that he could see that no matter how broken his own heart has pulled him down, he still has so much to give of himself.
So, I cried, and was upset and crabby the last few days, knowing the day was near, and in the end, I am glad he was not in a rush to getting rid of my child and me, and let me sleep in, as he knew I was dead tired. I will never forget all he did for me, and maybe other things he never thought I would notice, I did. He is a great man full of many flaws as any other human being.
My daughter is happy that we moved out, cause she said I was driving her crazy and acting like a teenager in love. So, even if its true, would this be Love? Who knows, maybe yes, or maybe not.
In the end, now to move onwards in regards to our new home. The major changes are as follows:
- We are now living in a master bedroom in an upscale family home.
- Large private walk in closet, and I mean huge!
- A tub like jacuzzi, white, and large to hold two people.
- A separate Shower.
- The toilet is within its own little room. ( I love this)
- Two sinks, and two under cupboards to store our things in.
- The room is large enough that we each have our beds in different spaces, and with alot of space in between.
- No longer living in a basement.
- 6 large windows to let sunlight in!
- We are in charge of the heater/AC, as we have the houses main monitor in our room!
Two large living rooms, dining room, basement is huge and empty. An office downstairs, along with guest bathroom. Garage is for two vehicles. Large, massive backyard. and a good neighborhood.
My daughter, once I have her changed from her current school, will be taking the bus to and from school. Now, its up to me to make friends with a stay at home mom next door, and see if she is willing to help me out with letting Andy stay with her before and after school, as it will be taking me at least an hour to get home.
Traffic is heavy in this area, mainly the afternoon. I am still a bit tired, but am hopeful, to seeing more of "R", in the near future.
Ok, well, that is all for now.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Are we able to find love again?
For those whom have been abused sexually or raped in any way or form,
I imagine some if not most, wonder, if Love, truly exists?
I mean for all we have been through and or some might be going through,
love might seem like a very foreign concept to some, to others, like myself, at one point I associated love with pain.
Others might think Love exists but somehow cannot come our way, because we have been tainted or vilified in some way. And believe me, I was there, many a time, in which I simply thought, I am just not good enough to find love, or be loved, and I would never do much to find out if this thing called love existed or not.
These past 4 years, I have been on the road to healing from all my pain and old and new wounds. You know, If I were to count each heart break, each hurt and each wound inflicted directly or indirectly towards my person, I should truly be dead by now but am very much alive. If you were to look at all your inner wounds and find yourself breathing, that means that somehow within you, an important part of your heart is hidden within.
Love does exist, I am sure of that now, but for those whom have never been abused in any way or form, it is hard for you to see why we either hate, or fear Love in itself, and tend to push you away, or just build a fortress around ourselves, thinking the only way to stay safe, is if Love is kept at some distance from us.
Yet, what was done to me, and you, was not an act of love nor does it represent love in any way, it was simply an act of defilement, in which the person doing what they did was acting upon their own selfish desires, and whom used the word love to make it seem as if what was being done, was indeed normal or not so bad as it might have seemed, yet that is a big, fat lie!
The whole thing about those whom have either been abuses sexually or raped, an image is created within us, and we tend to marginalize ourselves, because we feel too exposed and rather be alone than with anyone, be it family or friend.
I admit upfront, that if someone were to ask me how to find Love or even start a relationship with anyone, I am the last person you should ask as I have no clue, but am starting to learn at this time.
And I do believe, that once we allow ourselves to heal, Love, can be found, in the right form, and at the right time, but we must deal with our demons, first, before being able to see Love for what it truly is.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
I imagine some if not most, wonder, if Love, truly exists?
I mean for all we have been through and or some might be going through,
love might seem like a very foreign concept to some, to others, like myself, at one point I associated love with pain.
Others might think Love exists but somehow cannot come our way, because we have been tainted or vilified in some way. And believe me, I was there, many a time, in which I simply thought, I am just not good enough to find love, or be loved, and I would never do much to find out if this thing called love existed or not.
These past 4 years, I have been on the road to healing from all my pain and old and new wounds. You know, If I were to count each heart break, each hurt and each wound inflicted directly or indirectly towards my person, I should truly be dead by now but am very much alive. If you were to look at all your inner wounds and find yourself breathing, that means that somehow within you, an important part of your heart is hidden within.
Love does exist, I am sure of that now, but for those whom have never been abused in any way or form, it is hard for you to see why we either hate, or fear Love in itself, and tend to push you away, or just build a fortress around ourselves, thinking the only way to stay safe, is if Love is kept at some distance from us.
Yet, what was done to me, and you, was not an act of love nor does it represent love in any way, it was simply an act of defilement, in which the person doing what they did was acting upon their own selfish desires, and whom used the word love to make it seem as if what was being done, was indeed normal or not so bad as it might have seemed, yet that is a big, fat lie!
The whole thing about those whom have either been abuses sexually or raped, an image is created within us, and we tend to marginalize ourselves, because we feel too exposed and rather be alone than with anyone, be it family or friend.
I admit upfront, that if someone were to ask me how to find Love or even start a relationship with anyone, I am the last person you should ask as I have no clue, but am starting to learn at this time.
And I do believe, that once we allow ourselves to heal, Love, can be found, in the right form, and at the right time, but we must deal with our demons, first, before being able to see Love for what it truly is.
Peace,
Angel4Eternity
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