Besides having been sexually abused, and raped, I have not gotten into detail about the other types of abuses I suffered or witnessed within our family home.
So today I am going to do that. From before the time my brother and I came to be living with this couple, they had had marital problems from the day they got married.
Honestly, their wedding picture is very depressing, my mom looks as if she will faint, and my dad looks so stern and as if he wants to rip her arm off!
My mom states its because she arrived late to the wedding ceremony, being that she went to get her hair done, and the salon was full, and she being of a very quiet nature, did not say anything and was waiting patiently for her turn.
Finally someone saw her and asked what she was in for, and my mom quietly answered," Oh, I am just getting married today, but its ok..." The lady screamed to the others that she would not see anyone else, and worked on my mom's hair.
When she was finally ready, she was an hour late to the church. My dad was livid. The priest had wanted to call off the wedding and so did my mom
s parents. In the end, my mom says when the time came for him to put the ring on her finger, he pinched her hard and dared her to scream and she remained silent.
If that had been me, I would have slapped him and knocked him down and gone out of that church!
During their first year of marriage my mom was working at some bank, and one of her co workers was falling in love with her and she kept on telling the guy that she was married, and for some reason he chose to not believe her.
Well, one day he saw my parents together or something, and then he decided to apologize and dropped some flowers off at their home, while my dad was at work.
Well, he came home and saw the flowers, and almost killed her, from what her sisters have said. She ran, and lived with one of her sisters for a year, and my aunt states that my dad kept coming around begging her to come back to him. Eventually, she did.
So by the time my brother and I were around, they were pretty good at not fighting much in front of us, but would do so at night. I could hear them and at times I would go to my brother and we would cuddle together and he would soothe my fears.
Then he would quietly take me back to my bed, and kiss me goodnight. As I rew up, I noticed how my parents would act in front of family and friends, but at home, they were anything but close.
Each time us kids misbehaved, my mom would send us to our rooms, and tell us," Just wait till your dad comes home."
That was pure agony! There were alot of times, my parents would watch tv and want us to be with them, but I would prefer to be alone, yet my dad would demand I be present. If I refused, he would hit me with his belt, and I always screamed out for my mom, but she would barely say anything, and just wait for him to finish hitting me. After he was done she would come and soothe my trembling body and after a while she would say," Go to your father and ask him to forgive you, for not obeying him." I would look aghast and say,"No, I did nothing wrong, all I want is to be alone, whats wrong with that?" and she would say," We are family, we need to be a family, please go so he can calm down."
Eventually I would go, in spite of not feeling I had done anything to merit his anger, and he would call me," My queen", and pet my head and say," I know you love me and I love you, all I ask is that you listen to me, so this does not happen again." I hated standing in front of him, letting him touch my hair, and talk so sweet and innocent to me.
I preferred being grounded if anything. As I got more into my teen years, and once we moved back to El Salvador, I was able to witness first hand, the abuse my mother had suffered for many years from him.
He would pretty much, treat her as an object, and say hurtful things to lower her morale. He would get upset if there was no rice to eat along with his beans, or if someone moved his pen from one end to the other end of the table. I started feeling as if it was my duty to protect my mother.
He would grab her by her arm at times and shove her, or lock her out of their room or house and let her bang the door like crazy; One night, I was upstairs, in my room, trying to ignore their screams ect..when I heard someone banging a door, I ran and saw him sitting on a stool, completely cool, and with a look I had never seen before, I went to see who was banging the door and it was my mom; she told me to go back to my room, and to not get in between, as we both walked into the kitchen, my dad flew at her and grabbed her by her neck and lifted her off the ground with such rage and hatred, as I stood right behind her, in shock, and I ran and tried prying his hands off her, as my mom tried telling him," Stop, please stop"; as I struggled to get him off her, he took a swing at me and I jumped out of his way, and he looked at me with such red eyes, and said," Try that again, and I will kill you," I got a knife out, and he started laughing and my mom kept on begging me to just go to my room and to not worry that everything would be alright, I finally conceded. But I hid in the study room on the same floor, and after a few minutes she passed by me in tears, and looked at me as if to say," Stay quiet and do not say a thing about this." I was angry, hurt and so pissed, then my dad came following her and saw me, and just took one long look at me, and I dared him with my eyes, to do something to me, I was ready to beat him up however I could.
After that each time, I heard them yelling or just any noise I would run to her rescue, or so I thought and made sure he was not hurting her, and he would laugh and tell her, " Look your scornful daughter is wanting to be your hero, she is so pathetic." I started yelling at him, whenever he wanted to accuse me of something, and I even started cussing which is something I rarely did and even now, I avoid at all cost.
The first time he literally beat me up was when I was 19 yrs old. I had been sitting downstairs, on a sofa chair, and was just watching tv. A cousin of mine had just died in Panama and my dad was going over to his funeral. Well, my mom had given me permission, yes you heard that right, permission to watch tv.
My dad came down half naked, as he normally dresses at home, more so when he gets depressed. Which means he does not take a shower for a week or more, his breath stinks like rotten eggs and he literally looks like a bum living in such a lovely house.
So, I pretty much chose to ignore him, in order to not get anything started. I had the chair near a division in the living room that was near two steps that led to the other living room, and I had made sure my chair was not close to the border in order to not fall on over.
I am a known klutz. Well, all of a sudden, he called out my name, and I was like, " What did I do now?", turned and said," Yes?", he was like, " Move your chair right next to that other table." I replied," Oh you do not have to worry, dad, the chair is not even near the border, so I am safe, but thank you." Which then he replied," I am not asking you, I am ordering you to move that chair now!" I literally was like," Ok, sure I don't see what difference it will make but if it makes you happy I will." Now, I tend to mumble whenever I get nervous, and I was mumbling more to myself to keep myself calm, while my heart was beating like crazy, and I picked up the chair and moved it to where I was told. I had just finished, setting it down, and about to sit down, when, out of nowhere, I felt pain as never before, and my head was being shaken so hard from side to side, as he grabbed me by my hair from both sides and started shaking my head, so hard he pulled me off the sofa. I started screaming and crying, and asking him," Why are you doing this? I obeyed you didn't I? What did I do wrong?"
I kept on screaming, " Stop!" but he started dragging me all over the floor, kicking at me with his feet, and I was trying to get his hands off of my head.
Eventually, I knew if I did not fight back, I would die, so I dug my nails hard into his hands and he would only pull harder, slamming my head on the floor and screaming in rage," I'll show you about respect, you little B***! How dare you cuss at me!!!" and I was like," What are you talking about??? I did not cuss at you!" and he kept on going on and on.
Finally, I got angry at the fact that my mom once again was not coming to my defense, and I was calling out for her as usual; she finally came down and by that time, my head was pounding, my back and sides were aching, and my dad was bleeding from my nails digging into his skin. She just stood by the staircase and was like, " Whats going on?? What did you do?? Please stop, if you hurt her anymore, you will get caught, leave her alone, what did she do this time?"
I pretty much struggled to get up and managed to get to my room and my mom as always, was comforting me and telling me to just accept what he said so he could calm down!!! Really!!!! I was so tired and the next day he was leaving to Panama, and my mom once again told me to apologize for disrespecting and dishonoring my father and going against the 10 commandments!!! I was like Bull!!!!!! I did nothing Wrong!!!!! He hates me!!! He has never loved me!!!! HE owed ME and APOLOGY!!!!!
Yet in the end, as always I submitted to her wishes and went and said, " I'm sorry. but I had to dig my nails in your hands or you would have killed me." He was like," I cannot forgive you, if this plane crashes and I die, that will be it for you. Your life is over!"
After he came back we did not talk for almost 4 months! I did not care really, but my mom was upset....
He always blamed me for blowing up, I was the cause of all his troubles, shame and guilt! I was a trouble maker, and much worse...
And then, as if nothing has ever happened, whenever we had visitors or went to family events, my mom would always caution me by saying, " What goes on within our family stays in the family."
I hated pretending that everything was alright! I got tired of pretending and lying pretty much! I lived a double life as well as they did!
What I hated the most was how she would defend him no matter what!
It hurts, to have been accused of so much, and blamed for most of it, when I never wanted to get beaten up in the first place.
Yet, I am still alive and breathing only because Of God's hand in my life.
This is just part of my life story, there are so many more events, and signs but one thing for sure, I was always on high alert, and never could sleep through the night, even now.
Ok, well this is it for today.
Angel 4 Eternity
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