Yesterday, during dinner, my daughter was talking about how she wants her wedding dress to look like, her hair to be done, and so on. I kept on wondering, " Why in the world does she want to talk about her wedding, when I have not had my own!"
It was amusing to see how her eyes widened, and sparkled with expectation, from whom she will invite to what we would eat. She already has her list of things that she would want from her future husband, and I have mine sort of, yet it seems she is way ahead of me!
I feel both old and yet content to see just how much growing she has done, and the other half she still needs to catch up on.
I remember at 10, marriage was the last thing on my mind, less any wedding details. Oh, how I yearned to have the exact conversation, with my own adopted mother; to have sat down and shared my dreams and expectations of life, and becoming a mother myself ect...sadly, I never got a chance to do so.
My dreams were crushed too early, and after that, any mention of marriage, love or sex, had me running to my, "safe place".
At 10, I was already more of a tomboy than any other girl in my class, yet once my body started changing, I felt like a little green monster was being born. I hated the attention I was getting and of course after my ex uncle did what he did, I ended feeling more insecure and hateful of my body.
Most girls, are told to love and accept themselves as they are, and not to depend too much on the magazine covers; well, in my case, my dad was clear stating that I had to look like the women on the covers because the way I looked then, was no way for any girl to look like, and if I really wanted to get married, I had to have a sexy, looking image.
I was like, " So what? I don't care, I will never get married." Fast forward to now, at 33 yrs of age, and most of my friends that are in their mid twenties have 2 kids each and more on the way. My daughter lovingly says to me, " Mom, you better hurry up, cause your getting old pretty fast!"
I'm telling you, kids these days. Well, in the end, the fact that she and I are back together again, is the greatest blessing ever, after being torn apart, for 3 years, in which a battle ensued between my adopted parents and I.
In the end, my parents, kept on giving me negative feedback and never allowed me to figure out my true gifts and skills within me. I assumed, that they were always, "right", but they were so wrong.
They never believed I could survive on my own, less, drive a car. In the end, in spite of the pain and stress caused of not being able to protect my child, less love her or hold her, God used these years to draw me closer to Him, and to reveal His truth into my life. And I was reminded of His own sacrifice, in letting His Only Son, come and die for humanity; as well as Abrahams willingless to sacrifice his only son, in order to obeying His command, and being told to not go onward, as God provided an animal to spare Issacs life.
God pretty much was asking that I trust Him, and let go of my baby girl, in order for God to deal with my hurts and wounds, and that in time He would restore all things. It was not easy letting go of her, and once she left, the second time, after seeing her in 2009, for a month, I almost gave up and died.
I felt like a total failure as her mother, as a woman, and as a human being. I was floored down. I felt all the pain ,hurt and anger come at once, and I had no where to turn, except God. Yet, even as He called me, I still did not want to let go, for fear of what He would say to me, after seeing all my ugliness, and yuckiness inside of me. It was a tug of war between satan's lies and tormenting verses Gods Calling of Love.
I struggled to come to terms with my life in whole. I can recount all my sins, and I always have dealt with feeling so unworthy of friendship, love, less, acceptance from anyone on this earth.
I even felt a worse sinner than Paul, the Apostle. Sure I have not killed any human being with my own hands, but I did kill my pooch once ,and revived her. I was dealing with all I had, within me in wrong ways.
I am good at keeping men away from me, if I want and being in control feels good, yet I know that I am no wiser than the wise men to try and control my life and make my own decisions without relying on God's own wisdom.
At times, I have heard a voice telling me, " Jump. Go jump off a bridge. You are nothing to God, no one loves you. Your daughter has all she needs with your parents. Let her be."
But I would not listen or take heed, and God has reminded me that my fight is not against the flesh of men but of the Spiritual Warfare, that exists between demons and angels, God and Satan.
And this is so true.
I am finally independent, and becoming the woman God wants me to be. I am struggling in raising my child, but I seek His guidance in doing so. Even now, if i fail, He lifts me up and I keep on going.
I missed 3 years of my daughters life and from now until she matures and goes off to college, I plan to cherish each second with her.
I could go on and on about the pain and agony that took hold of me, but I believe I have covered most of it.
Please anyone who has been reading my blog, has any thoughts, questions or quotations, please feel free to do so.
I am going to continue onward in my journey towards healing and the best part of it all is knowing that I am not alone in this.
Blessings,
Angel 4 Eternity
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