Life can sure catch up with you at times. I keep on getting frustrated when something from my past comes up, and either reminds me of a failure, or just gets me going spiral downward.
Worst when it affects my daughter, in the sense, that she wants to help me but can't really, nor can I really open up to her too much at this time and give her a burden to large to bare.
Like I stated before, I ain't perfect, nor am I a saint. I grow tired, sick and weary when things are not going as I want them to, or when I totally screw up. I tend to be hard on myself whenever I make any mistake, no matter how small or large, it is, I get mad at myself.
Yet, God keeps on telling me, that I cannot control my own life, 100%, and its best to let Him be the one in control and I agree! I am not wise, or smart by any human standard; I am who I am, and you either accept me as I am or dump me like others have most of my life.
I have been told to be patient, and I have tried, yet at times I wish to be over with this long path towards healing. I wonder, will I find peace here on earth, Will I find justice, Will I have the family I have always desired?
Answer to them all is yes, if and only if I let go of my heart and put it in Gods hands and let Him do His work in me. But at times my human pride, and selfishness gets in the way I admit. And i want to live more by human standards then Gods own standards for my life. One path will lead to death, while the other, might bring more pain, yet it will also bring me life.
It hurts, to know that the only family you have ever had, sees you as nothing. Or thinks that you somehow imagined a life of misery when it was a life of happiness?????
Behold, I still have certain pain from my past that haunts my present life, but I hope to overcome it so it may not interfere in my immediate future.
At night, in my dreams, memories come flooding, eventually turning into nightmares, full of pain, fear, and anger. I confront my monsters, and I tell them to leave me alone yet when fighting them off alone they come back, but if I am able to pray and call on Jesus, they leave right away.
Most of my dreams consist of my child being killed or hurt and I having to see her dying in my arms, at other times I have been in odd places, where, many people are walking around aimlessly and I see unborn babies torn from their mother's wombs alive, and tossed into large tanks that crush them to death, and their blood runs into these canals that provide some sort of energy?
At other times I am surrounded by people from my church and someone continues popping in and out, as if looking for me, or at me, but am not sure what to make of it, at other times, I am looking and looking for my daughter, and i see her yet never can reach her.
Other times, my mother is with me, and she always has this sad look on her face, yet I do not do much to confort her, is that so wrong? The other night , I saw my mothers mom, whom died, and she is sick, and I am tending to her, and then it seems as if my father, throws her down a staircase, and there she is in my arms and dies, pleading with me to save her daughter.
What do these mean? I wake with a start, my heart pounding, and I hear a cry deep within my soul, and I wonder is it me, or someone else?
I can't sleep more than 3 hours straight and all my life I have always woken up at 3am and am not sure as to why?
Maybe that is the time my dad would come and hurt me?
As I try to live in the present, and let go of my past, it tends to haunt me more, and I really would prefer not dragging this old monster around once I marry to whom GOd has promised me to and have the other children I so desire to have.
So, as you can see, I am as crazy and as human as all of you, but what keeps me going is GOds Love, Forgivcness and Grace.
Blessings.
Angel 4 Eternity
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