A Mother's Love

Becoming a mother, has been a whole, new experience in so many ways.
Just seeing my baby grow up and mature, and become an independent young girl, makes me wonder, what life would have been, if I had grown up with my real mother.
One thing I do know is this: She loved me, and sacrificed her only love, by giving me a chance to live, and to have what she probably could not give me:

Food and a decent home.

When I found out about my being adopted, I cried, and wondered at that time, if she had hated me so much, or if she had known what a screw up I would become.
I hid all these things in my heart, and I never yearned to seek her out or even demand anything from her.  At that time, I was dealing with other things, I just pushed the thought of her aside.
 As I grew, and became a young woman, once again, I wondered, " Will I meet her?" ; " Do I look like her or my father?" ; " Do I have siblings?"
 Being adopted, is not easy, when your life has not been full of paternal love, or maternal love.
 Yet, during the time, I was allowing my daughter's dad, to have my body, but not my heart, at one point, in which I got so sick, I could have died, I believe, God allowed me to go back to that day, in which she was leaving me behind.
  Some might have a psychological term, or well, in the end, I was at the brink of death.  But it was so real, that I did not want to wake up.
         I could hear distant thunder, and feel a cool breeze on my face.  At first, when I heard a baby crying, I kept on looking and searching for this baby, to comfort her and hold her, and then its as if my own soul and spirit rested within the body of a baby, that then I realized, it was me.
    I was crying as if my life depended on it.  And then, as I could see the clouds passing by, and some form of buildings, people were passing or walking by us, but no one stopped to see why a young girl, and baby were crying.
     Then, I saw her, kneeling over me, crying so hard, her shoulders were shaking and her sobs were so unbearable.  I kept on wanting her to pick me up, that I fought to free myself from the blanket, she had me swaddled in.  I lifted my head, but that was all, and this made me more upset.  Her hair, was jet black and straight.  It shined under the sun's rays and her body looked so frail, and of small built.  She was wearing a light purple colored neck collard, buttoned up shirt, Jean skirt, that were up to her knees and some sandals. 
      It seemed as if an eternity had passed, and then as I tried looking at her face to remember her, she kept on hiding it, behind her beautiful long hair.  As if she preferred I not remember her at all.
       She got up and I tried putting my arms out, to indicate, that I wanted her to carry me.  But she crossed the street, and walked to a corner.  Only once, did she look back, only once her face was visible, but I was unable to see it clearly, and then she was gone.
       I did not understand, I could not bare the thought of losing her.  I was crying in anger, fear, despair, agony and pain, of losing the one person, whom had loved me from the start.
       People would glance at me, but no one picked me up.  I stared at the sky, crying to God, and then rain drops started falling down, as if it was God's way of crying along with me.
      There I was, no more than a month old, laying on the side of a sidewalk, wailing and crying, but no one came for a while.

  My mother, was there, then she was gone.  But I will never forget her tears.  She shed tears for me and her.
   I pray she be alive and well, married off, and with more children.
      One day I hope to see her again.
             Angel 4 Eternity