Morning to all,
As promised today, I will go back to the year 2000, as this is a very significant point and time within my life. At the time, I was struggling into not giving up on school, and in spite my cutting school at times, I still went most of the time.
By this point, I had many nicknames, such as," Trucutu", and others more like, " Warrior". A few were more demeaning, but by this point I no longer cared what was said nor not about my person, and I pretty much was a tough chic, and any boy tried pulling anything on me, would have it.
From the time I entered 8th grade, and after suffering the worse type of bullying I ever had in my own life, I snapped, and started fighting back against anyone who dared cross my path, be it boy or girl. I started hanging out with kids that came from either poor upbringing, to not so civilized homes, most of which were part of some gang, and hung out to drink and smoke. I thought, " Why should I continue not doing the things I have always been told not to do, what will God do, kill me?"
So I started drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes. I made sure people knew how tough I was. So by the time I was in 11th grade, I would wrestle with my male classmates either for fun or fighting. I had my group of friends, but I never took them home, cause I knew my mom would never approve.
It was interesting that this school, my parents sent me too, was supposedly christian, but most kids were less than that.
And most were having sex, and so on. I started wondering, what if, I let some boy, have me, and actually do it? Will it be as great as everyone states it will be? What will I feel? So I decided to let the boys know, I needed a guy to have sex with me with no strings attached.
And someone got me his best buddy. This guy was not ugly, nor pretty, but in the end he would do. So we met, and we sorta took into getting to know each other, but we never got into falling in love ect...
In the end, I had sex with him like 3 to 4 times within a month and a half. Yet in the end, the only one who benefitted was him. Each time we were in the act, its as if I would leave my body, and hide, my heart was never moved, and I never felt good about it, less did I enjoy it.
Before I conceived my daughter, he actually asked me what I would do if I ever got pregnant. I told him, that in no terms would I abort the baby, due to my own personal belief, and that I would face my family, and take full responsability in raising him or her.
He then told me, that if I did that, that he rather I keep the baby, and he would never bother with him or her. And he knew I would give his son or daughter a better life, plus he knew I did not love him to marry him.
Thank God! So, the last time we saw each other, she was conceived, and I just knew. Well, upon knowing I tried telling him, and could not find him. It turns out that this guy had raped a 12 yr old mentally illed girl whom was about to have his son!!! I was horrified!!! and shocked!!!!
He denied it but that was that. I hid my pregnancy for the first 8 and a half months of gestation. I am 4ft 11 inches tall, and so my having been overweight, helped in hiding it. My mom kept on telling me to lose weight!!! I was like," Yeah, mom I will soon."
It was not easy, going through all the changes, while hiding it from everyone. I got lucky that I only vomited for one whole week, and after that I just ran to the garden if I got nauseas, from the food smell or such.
So when my parents finally found out, they were not happy, as I say," the bomb exploded!"
It was not a pretty situation; my dad wanted to kill me; my mom did not know what to do and my brother was no help at all.
In the end, one of my mom's sister told her that in order to prevent me from having more babies, that they should have me sterilized. I overheard my aunt talking to her doctor, and the doctor wrote a note out stating that I was severely mentally retarded, and had no idea I was having a baby!
I could have said no, and not signed the consent form, yet in the end, due to everything, I decided to sacrifice this gift, in order to redeem myself before God and family.
When the time came, my mom dropped me off at a public hospital. ( take note, public hospitals in a third world country are far worse than here!) and she was like, " Good luck." Well, I was told to undress and get in a gown, and to lay still on this bunk, that was so uncomfortable!, I tried walking around, but was scolded for doing so and told to go back to bed! At this time I did not know of the false statement in regards to my mental health and did not understand why the nurses were treating me like a 5 yr old!
I was in labor for 2 whole days and a half! It hurt! And well, being a public hospital, I did not have any option to receive an epidural, and I had been warned to not scream out, yell or cry. So I did my best in not screaming or causing much noise, and with each contraction, I held my breath, and gripped the side bars as hard as I could.
I had no support from family or friends. It was just me and the old rusted bed, or at least I thought God was too angry to be with me at this time.
I was given the medication to make my contactions stronger, and taken to another room where a girl about 15 yrs of age was crying out for her mommy. The nurses around her bed, were taunting her, saying," When you were with your man you never called out for her, so why do it now?" and other things.
Finally, my turn came, I felt her head, and was rushed to the delivery room, and was told to move to the steel bed, on my own, I almost fell off the table! So the resident doctor, was taking his time, in getting ready, and I got tired of waiting and warned everyone that I was going to push, and out she came, tearing everything she could and was rescued by a nurse!
When she was lifted up from her butt, I was like," wow, she fit inside me!" The relief came, but I was not allowed to hold her for half an hour. Finally they brought her to me, and I was awed at how perfect she was, her round, rosy, cheeks, such big eyes, and she looked whiter than me!
She weighed 5 lbs 9oz and was 23 inches long. I named her Beatrice, but was forced to change her middle name to, " Theresa". She and I both hate that name.
I was sterilized the next day. The pain came afterward, the pain of losing such precious gift. But al does not end bad.
I was imprisoned at home for 8 months before allowed outside. It was horrible.
Well, I will take a break for today.
And will continue tomorrow.
Good day,
Angel 4 Eternity
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