My day was the usual, work, dropping my kid off at school, picking her up after I got off work and then home we are.
She relayed her day to me during the ride home and impressed me by doing her math homework in the car, and finishing it by the time we got home. Unknown to her and my own person, there was a little surprise awaiting to be found. During the morning rush of getting out of the house and getting in the car, etc, had ended in my losing a sandal.
NOw, up until we got home, I had thought that somewhere in the back, with all the junk that I have in the back seat of my car, it would be hidden there, to be found. So, my daughter and I were working out a plan on how we would tackle this issue, once we got home.
As I took a turn and started pulling into my parking spot, something caught my eye. It was lying on the ground, and it almost was unnoticeable as it had the same color as the asphalt that makes up the road. Take a wild guess at what the object was?
Yes, indeed! what had been lost was found right where it had fallen out during our morning rush! My daughter cracked up and I was turning red, blue, purple and who knows what else. I casually slowed the car and put it in park. She took one look at me and said," I am not picking it up, you are!'
So, I slowly opened the door, and looked around, no one was in sight, but of course what about the lady who hides behind her curtain window, or the man tending his dog, I almost wanted to just leave the sandal there, and avoid any type of embarrassment. Of course in the end, I reluctantly, bended over and picked up the forgotten object. Our treasure hunt was over! I decided to act casual about it, and not make any type of scene. I walked slowly to the front door and then with a rush, unlocked the door and ran inside!
By the time my lovely angel got inside she was rolling on the floor, laughing and pointing her finger at me! I could not help but join in her laughter! It felt great being able to share this embarrassing moment with her. She is not going to let me go so easily.
I changed clothed, and finished washing some dishes and putting them away. She wanted to watch her favorite show,"Ghost Whisperer," on Netflix. Right now, she is downstairs in our room, chilling and I am in the sun room writing this new post.
The new guy in my life, whom I will name,"R", is outside taking care of his plants and tending to them, making sure they do not die. He is a good man. Hmm I should change the title.
Well, we ended not going to church on Easter sunday and stayed home to just relax and rest. For some reason I have been feeling overly tired these days. I was not feeling too guilty until a friend of mine asked why I had not gone to church?
In the end, just because one does not go to church, will it mean that God is going to punish me, and get mad at me. I mean He knows and He sees everything, and I mean everything! So, I think its more between Him and me, not anyone else's business, right?
I got to talk to R last night about my moms almost unannounced arrival this coming Thursday It was the hardest thing, not so much telling him that she was coming, more so, telling the whole story behind why I did not want her here. I felt guilty and was afraid that R would see me as an ungrateful child, or mean person, and I had to suppress the urge to crying and not being able to talk.
In the end, I got through with what I had wanted to say, or at least half of it. Afterwards I felt so raw and so exposed, I felt my heart would not be able to go on. He was very understanding and supportive, and he valued what I had to say, and thanked me and even tried suggesting another solution to this problem.
No one had really ever done such thing, that I was just moved, touched and shocked all in one. Yet, it helped, keep my head clear, once he helped me see the options that existed and what I could do to manage everything.
I am not one to say, that I am an expert in reading a man's eyes, yet during this time, as I looked and searched his eyes, he looked into mine with a look, that made me feel safe and secure. It seemed as if in secret, he was providing the comfort I needed without needing to touch my hand or hug me. I was blushing hard, and my body started feeling really hot, I felt in a rush to get out of there, and I needed to cool off, so went and took a quick shower, and right then and there, wave after wave of fresh tears came, along with an ache in my heart, of what is lost and of what I will never be able to recover in regards to my relationship with my adopted mother. I cried for the both of us. For our loss. For her pain, as well as mine, for the hurt, the fights and arguments. It was as if I came to realize that a part of me was dead, yet I was much more alive.
I am not sure what to tell her when I see her, except,"Hi..." I know what I can come to expect from her. Mainly, once she realized my current living arrangement with a divorced man who is a father to a sweet, cute, six year old boy.
She will have several options in regards to what she will say or think. Yet in the end, I am not going to try and get her to see things my way. and just let God be the one to deal with her.
The good thing is that she is going to be with my brother for most of her time here before going back on the 26th of May. I am relieved to not having to be around her as much. I will confess, the part that hurts the most is the fact that she is willing to come and help my brother out, but has never offered me any help, only conditions that I must accomplish before she gives me some sort of help. He, my brother has always been her favorite, and even my daughter became a favorite, somehow I am there but not quite there.
Am I alone in this? Am I losing my mind? Is this being selfish? Am I guilty of feeling what I feel?
Well, Spring is a new season full of new beginnings for everyone. I love being able to go outside and to look at how the trees bloom and how the birds are working hard to find the perfect spot for their nest. I wonder, how do they know they have found the perfect spot? God surely looks after them. Just as He looks after them the more He will do for those that simply accept Him and Love Him.
Some might say," Love is in the air.." I believe it is, and if Love has come to find me this time, I pray that it stays and never leaves, that it may grow and grow and allow my life to be full of new experiences and new beginnings not just for my child and myself but for this man whom has somehow managed to capture my heart and my soul, pulling me towards his own, with his own hurts and his own life experiences and his son.
I have come to love that boy, and I love him too, yet, I do not want to rush anything and am willing to wait, and see, if he and I can get passed our nerves and work up into trusting each other, and feeling comfortable enough to move onward, I suppose.
I am so afraid of screwing things up, and I have been reading every article or blog that talks about what men want or are looking for in their mate, or future wife. Dating tips, relationship building strategies, and so on. I might be going a bit overboard with all this, yet I believe if anything, this will be my first potential opportunity to love a man, and give him my all, and not hold anything back from him. Its as if my heart just wants to explode and cover him, and his son with the love I have held all this time within me. Its just there waiting to come out.
One thing, I have not mentioned before was this; before finding this home and R. I had been looking at other homes in which families lived, or single mothers lived in, yet each \place I checked with kept on turning my daughter and I away. It got to a point in which I was getting desperate. I was losing my head and then I remember praying: " God, please, please help me find a place, the right place in which you would want us to reside in, that is safe, and provides a loving environment. If possible, and it be a man, that he may be divorced or simply be a single father, with one or two young kids. And if it is a divorced man, that he be the one you have for me. I am willing to live with a man that has a home large enough for my child and me, and that he be willing to take us in. "
A few days later, I saw a posting that specifically mentioned, that this person was looking for a single person, and was also opened to taking in a single mother with one child. I could not believe my eyes! I got excited and replied and soon after, he replied and in the end, we came, and we met, and I was impressed and humbled.
And so here we are, and he and I are getting a chance to know each other in many ways, since really, living under the same roof, its kind of hard not to run into each other. Mainly, we do so in the kitchen or front yard. Each time we do, I cannot help but smile, and my heart jumps and my hands sweat, and he seems to get jittery too, but up to now neither he nor I have said much about liking each other etc...I have simply stayed put. Yet, my daughter has observed him looking out the window, in the morning when we are heading out, and I started doing the same thing lately. Whenever I know he is outside and we are inside, I take a quick peak from time to time outside. Most of the times I have caught on to him, but he has not been able to catch me, unless my daughter pulls the curtains wide opened, and then he blushes. I feel as if we were a pair of crazy teenagers.
If anything, this man is a true gentleman, which is something you cannot see around as before. He is a man of heart and pure gold, not financially, just in how he acts and how he opens doors, offers help, even when not asked, and does thoughtful things from time to time.
No man has ever looked at me as he does, Now, see here, God has loved me before any man has ever loved me and He has told me that it did not matter if I have never been loved by a man because indeed His love is greater.
I know now, that I cannot expect a man to love me as God does, nor for a man to be perfect ect...
I am also not into jewelry as most women are, nor do I want men wasting money on buying me expensive things like perfume, make up or just anything. I prefer a man simply give me of his time, pays attention and lets me talk things out with him. And a man that lets me cook for him. I love cooking, I enjoy it, and I do not mind washing dishes and putting them away. I think if anything R, is the first man to see me for who I am, in a way no other man has seen me, ever.... Man wise. I have a few guys at church that are interested in me, but I am not keen into doing anything more then just being friends with them because I consider them too young for me. They are between 6-10 years younger than me. R is 8 years older than me, which is not bad. I think. I cannot wait to see what else comes my way at this time before Summer comes in full.
OK, I am going to stop writing now.
have a good evening or morning to all.
Angel 4 Eternity
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