My daughter, keeps on arguing that I am getting too old, and if indeed I want to marry, that I need to hurry up and get into the game. I smile and tell her, that its not that easy for me to just go on out and get some guy to marry me, without getting to know him first.
The only thing, that holds me back is when she starts sharing her worst fears, such as:
Your husband will not love me.
Your children will not respect me.
You will not want me anymore.
He will never let you love me.
Once you have another baby, you will push me away.
I am not going to be good enough for you.
Admiringly, as she states these facts, my heart cries out for her to realize, that I would never do such things, less abandon her. Sadly, our forced separation has probably, made her feel, as if I really would abandon her.
I keep on reassuring her that by no means will I ever marry a man whom cannot love her and accept her as she is, along with my own person.
That God has promised me a husband, yet I have no idea what he will look like or who he is and that she can pray as well, asking God for specific things she would like to have in a Step dad.
As she never met her own father, she normally does not like discussing him much, but in the end, I know she yearns to have a fatherly figure in her life at this time. She has told me so, plus she wants siblings.
In the end, I have come to realize, that she has ended becoming a victim herself, in the midst of this on going battle I have had with my adoptive parents. And my dad has manipulated her and brought her into the middle of things, to make me submit to his wishes.
She has been exposed to both verbal, and mental abuse, from my father towards my mother, and my own self.
She has seen my father hit me, since she was a babe, and would come to my defense by the time she could walk. I have overlooked her own pain and fears, by dwelling in my own pain and grief, and not that I do not care for her, its more that I was so blinded, I never thought to think, this could be affecting her but it has.
Each time we have some type of argument, she tends to raise her voice, throw things at me, and has even gotten around to hitting me, punching me and enjoying the fact that I cower and fear her. She is very strong.
She is now resorting to name calling as well, and I have told her that just because her grandad did such things did not mean they were right, less gave her any right over me.
I have asked her why she does these things, and she says, that she does not know, but that she thinks its the only way to make her point come across at me.
Yet I know, the truth is right there, in her eyes, and heart, are memories, that she has forgotten or hidden, of dark times, in which she was caught in the midst of arguments against her mother.
In the end, she loves me as I love her, and we have our sweet moments together. Yet, things get bad, when that time comes around each month, and both she and I are on edge.
Its tough, but I have told her that I will do whatever I must to help her overcome her own traumas and to deal with anger in better ways.
My love for her exceeds anything she might say or think of me, because I cannot stop loving her.
I hope she can reach a place in which she allows God to heal her wounds.
In time.
Angel 4 Eternity
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