Well, to be honest, due to my past experiences, with what I thought was, " Love", and all involved, I was one of those rare few that never cared to have a boyfriend during middle school less high school.
I always wondered, " Whats the point in having one, if your too young to get married?" Some might argue this and this is just my own point of view on things. I never was asked out on a date, less had one.
In the end, I might have missed out on a few things, but I was not interested in any of it. Now, my own daughter is going through this phase of wanting to have a boyfriend, like right now!
I have held on to my case stating that its best she wait until she is at least 18 years old if not 25 years of age. She disagrees all together! Yes, I am being protective of her, yet I also know that a day will come in which she might not care what I have to say and sneak behind my back ect..so I have told her, that she knows where I stand, and if she still chooses to have a boyfriend, and go to those parties, that kids hold when their parents are not home, that all she will really find is a bunch of teens, trying to fit in, doing stupid things like:
Drugs
Drinking Liquor, Beer ect..
Smoking
Endugling in Sex( Not Love)
Guys whom are targeting the virgins.
She has been forwarned that even if she were to like a, " Hot guy", does not mean she has to let him touch her in ways that might get her body to respond yet her heart might not be responding to. That she might meet someone who can lure her to bed, and when she starts protesting, he will sweet talk her out of it, or worse not care and just do it.
She will be 11 years old soon, but her body is more of a 15-16 yr old young lady. So, yes, it scares me!
In the end, I cannot protect her 24/7, and that is where my faith in God comes in, for I have to choose to trust that He will keep her safe or help her out if she ever gets in some type of mess.
Well, lately, we have been talking about love, sex, marriage, step parents, step siblings, siblings and having babies.
She is always one step ahead of me, at times, at other times she is so innocent and clueless. Yet, the fact that both she and I can talk about sex, even, in the mildest terms, is very benefitial, and plus, I rather she hear it from me, than kids at school.
Most of our discussions, include, giggling, and laughter overall, yet, having this openess with her, has helped us get closer.
The hardest topic for us to discuss, is more so my dating ritual or world, that rarely exists. As stated, I have never been asked on a date, less gone on a date, with the exception of one, about 2 or 3 weeks ago.
I suppose it could be seen as one, as she was not present, because she chose not to go, even though she had been invited along. I accompanied a man and his 6 yr old boy, to a store and then we went to Pizza Hut.
The man I am referring to, is divorced, and has joint custody of his son. I have come to admire in him, the qualities, I have observed and found within him. Mainly, his love and devotion towards his son. His son is first, and I like that. Plus, well in my case I put God first than my daughter. So, maybe the fact that we both are single parents, with one child, has helped us connect more easily.
With the only exception being, that he has been married once, and I have never been married. Otherwise, his other characteristics, are ones hard to find in most men these days. That day I accompanied him and his son, he opened the door to each place we entered, and would let me go first, along with his son. I had never in my life, had anyone, less a man, insist I go before him. Then, the fact that each time, I am needing something, he is a step ahead of me and offers his aide at times, that I do not think would have merited him helping me, such as filling the jar with sugar. Yet, he pretty much took the bag out of my hands and insisted on pouring the sugar. I was shocked, yet pleasantly surprised. Another time, my daughter had just cut her finger, and he came over to make sure she was fine, and placed his hand over hers and mine, to apply pressure to her wound.
I nearly passed out, by the fact that he just stepped right in and took charge. My heart was beating so loudly, I was sure they could hear it too! The fact that each time I walk over to him, and he is watching tv, he actually pauses the show, and turns to look me right in the eye, and says, " Yes, (my name), What can I do for you?" or else he says," Do you need something, are you ok?" And I just stand there, not sure what I was going to say, and stutter to get the words out.
I have never felt this way before. Yes, I have had a crush here and there on a certain guy, but normally, I never have done much, and or had not dealt with my past as needed to get involved with anyone.
Each time he looks into my eyes, my stomach turns, and I start sweating, heart beats like crazy, and normally, I have never been good at keeping eye contact with anyone, yet, the way he looks at me, draws me towards his own eyes and its like, I am being shown a door to his very soul.
I have met other guys that tend to have this intense stare, that would shake me to the core and make me feel threatened, yet in time, I have learned that is how they are. But this particular guy, does not have that intensity, its more tenderness, of him drawing me out and pretty much, seeing me for who I am, and the fact, that we live under the same roof, not as a couple mind you, more as a way of helping each other out, has kind of made this whole process gradually help me to just be myself, no matter what.
He has seen me at my worst, he has seen me angry, and sad, and worried, and in the end, without my intending to, he ended putting himself on the spot, by making himself vulnerable to me, by sharing some things from his heart. I was touched. Very, and moved. His son, is sweet and loving and cute!
Everything seems to be going just fine, but not really, my daughter being the oldest, is more keen to whom she lets close to me. In the end, I have allowed her to have her say, in regards to whom she prefers I date or marry. Yet, in the end, I finally realized, I cannot allow her to dictate anything, except the fact that the man I end up marrying has to love her and me, and accept her in some way too.
And due to the fact, that we were separated for 3 years, right now, her being away from me, is still some issue. She has told me she fears that I might not want her around, once I do find love. And that if not, once I have more babies, she will be pushed aside. And her fears are very valid. I have tried reassuring her, that in no terms would I allow anyone to push her aside, less would I do something like that.
So, right now she has been acting out towards him, and he is hurt, I know so, yet, he is being very patient with her as well.
He and I hope she can open up to him, and his son, and not judge either of them nor reject them in the long run, but in the end I have told her that if this is the man God has for me, I will pray for God to soften her heart. And that she has every right to ask God to send the right man along into our lives as well.
I sense this guy is the one, but I cannot be for certain and will just relish the time we have had so far and what lays within the near future.
Angel 4 Eternity
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