Today, as I sit on the floor of the sun room of this house,
I look back at these past few years, mainly last year and am looking for the accomplishments or goals I was able to finish or reach, at certain given times, and in the end, there is good and bad list of things, yet instead of looking at what I never reached or accomplished I have decided to look at the things I did get done.
The most major accomplishment of this list of mine, is getting my daughter back and having her by my side, as every child and mother should be.
It took me three years, to understand God's plan for my life, and to realize, I did indeed have a reason to live and things to look forward to.
I suppose the hardest part of all this was the fact, that I would have to come face to face with the one person whom at one point, I had allowed to keep me from blooming into the woman I am now and working on.
Just the fact, that I ended planning a trip to Central America on my own, without major assistance, and prepared an emergency escape route ect...was something that I never thought I could ever accomplish. Honestly, I had never seen myself as a person full of capacities and skills, less someone who had at least some type or form of intelligence to plan something this big out!
I had never valued myself as the woman I am now, and had always looked down on myself. And to know that to get to this point I had to come to terms with my past, my faith in God, and being able to forgive the monster whom had come to rob me of my innocence and so much more without looking back.
The day that I was able to pick up that phone and call my parents to let them know, this is it, the time is now. I am as ready as I can be to go on down and get my baby girl to bring her back with me. I knew it was not going to be an easy thing for them to accept less do.
My mom as always questioned every little thing. Even as I listed my accomplishments of learning how to drive at age 31 and getting my first driver's license at age 32, was a big deal! All she said was, " Oh that is nice to know, but what about this and this,ect.." I knew I could never expect her less my dad to say something more than just that.
Heck, even my brother was not as impressed as I thought he'd be or proud of this accomplishment. They all took turns in pointing me towards the negative things, or the lack of what I did not have yet. Pretty much what they wanted me to do in these past 3 years was to get a house of my own, and have ownership of a nice, single family home, paying the mortgage, and wanted me to have a high paying salary job in the legal or medical field.
Well, sorry to disappoint all of you but I never was into the legal system less the medical field, and my job might not be the best, or lack things that they saw lacking but I didn't. Pretty much, they were unhappy that I was living in my first house full of roommates, and that basically I did not own this particular house.
They were not happy with the car I got or so it seemed, that they would have expected me to get something much more reliable or decent? Each thing I threw at them as a positive, would come back as a negative. Sure, it hurt, and I was sorely confused and angry at all of them.
They had persuaded me to wait, some more the last three years, until my baby girl was at least 15 years of age, or more. Pretty much, my dad had this whole plan laid out of how he wanted to finish raising my daughter on his own terms, and make sure I did not ruin her at all.
My motherly skills were not the best, I confess, I had a hard time, being affectionate with my baby but overall, even if I did do a good job expressing my love for her, in their own terms, she has always known that I love her no matter what.
In the end, I was shaky and nervous, but in the end, once I relied on God to give me the inner strength I would need to face my parents again in their own turf, I was able to just go through with it all.
And God even directed me towards the family that had taken care of me as a baby, when my parents were waiting for the adoption papers ect...and in the end, this helped me out, as I was able to tell one of my favorite aunts by just looking into her eyes, and the best part was that she saw and knew right away what I was holding within my heart and took my hand and said, " Honey, I believe you. And that bastard had no right, but it all makes sense now, it does." I wanted to scream and cry out loud but was still dealing with the shame and guilt to some extent, of not having been able to do a thing to stop him from doing what he did to me. So, afterwards I went to my cousin whom I consider more as a sister and told her and she looked at me and said, " Do not be ashamed, you are not guilty and he had no right." They were the only two people I opened up to besides one of my mom's sister, whom picked me up at the airport, she also believed me and cried with me.
I stayed with this family for 3 days and 2 nights. My mom came over the next day with my baby girl, and I was amazed at how tall she was and how grown up she looked, I could barely talk and just grabbed her as if my life depended on it. My mom and I had a long talk, which lead to no where except the fact that my mom told me clearly, she would take my dad's side no matter what I thought, or what I said.
She wanted my dad and I to come to peace with all this, but how, when he could barely look into my eyes and do as she was asking him to do. "Tell her! Tell her! Say, I did not rape you and I never have!", I just kept on daring him to say this in my face, and he could barely look at my eyes, and he would look away. In the end all he said was," There is mental abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse; All these I have done to you, but this last one, sexual abuse, never."
He would avert his eyes and carefully look at my mom, and she kept on waiting for him to say what she needed to hear, but he never did. She never budged and then she and him both started trying to get me to not take Andrea away from them and my dad was like, " Just stay here, live with us, and you will have all you need including Andrea. She and you will be together again." I said no way. All my dad wanted was to blindfold me and manipulate me into becoming what I had been before. But I stood my ground, against his own protest.
The best part was that before I even went there, my parents had been brainwashing my kid telling her that I was not thinking straight and that she could not come to the states until she learned to speak proper english, and this would cause kids to make fun of her, and she would not have her nanny or grandma near her, pretty much they scared her into saying yes, and wanted her to say no.
She was undecided. I pretty much told her that what they had told her were simply lies, to keep her away from me, and I made sure she understood that life would not be easy, and it would be tough, but that as long as we had each other, we could survive.
She finally said yes, and my parents were heart broken of course. I am glad that they did not force her to stay. When we boarded the plane and sat down, I was afraid to look around and she would disappear on me.
Until we actually were in the air, did I finally concede that this was the real deal, and I was getting my baby girl back. It was the best moment of my life, almost even better to when she was born, that in itself is another story.
In the end, I have more ways to go but I was able to go and get my daughter back for good, or until she grows up and goes off to college.
But I would not have been able to accomplish any of this with Gods help. Believe me, He moved walls and mountains so that I could go and come back in one piece.
All these accomplishments, are more to glorify His name and power.
And yes, indeed I did alot myself but even then, I am as human as any of you out there are, and as weak too.
So, I just wanted to share this with you all, and hope you all find what you are looking for in your own lives.
Have a good night sleep!
Angel 4 Eternity
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